Now

you see me.

Gone the full circle

As sun gets down all's set and done. All words are spoken and be gone.

Dealing cards

This day will be an important one and as always with the important things it will go nearly unnoticed: no greens flashes of light, no burting clouds, no lightning and thunderrolls. I lay out some cards on a kitchen table, looking at them, having some thoughts about them. The highest and most potent magic is the one no one senses.

I was in unease for some months now. Working hard to find any hints or tracks. I followed voices whispering directions too silent to understand them right. Until now - as it always comes out in the end - i'm ready to give in. Which means, i'm too tired even to worry any more. I need that state of conciousness. It's hard to reach because it it beyond the point of total exhaustion. I'd like to get there someday without having tried everything else first, but even that thought is unimportant now. It doesn't anger me, it doesn't make me sad. I'm at ease with it. If this is the way, so be it. Now i'm here and i'm calm and solemn and in the state of knowing, that everything is fine as it is.

My tarot deck is waiting patiently for me now. Perhaps half an hour still. And then there will be a new pattern on the desk, just for my eyes. Defining what will come next, only for me to know and staying in my mind for - say - the next five years. Perhaps i'll share some of it with the empress, but the whole picture will only slowly unfold in the days and months to come, so theres not much to give away, i guess.

And even this is fine. I'm traveling alone most of my paths anyway.

What am i doing here anyway?

I traveled to that place where everything just disturbs me. Shakes my self awareness. Floods my mood with troubling thoughts and feelings. What did i think? Did i think at all? I'm not standing safe at all right now. How could i put myself into a situation like that? Why did i run into a wall of knives when it's obviously a wall of knives? Am i mad?

Full cirle

This year it's been twelve years. So we did the full circle, one time the zodiac. Magic was reset and it had the time it needed to find it's natural ways, set up it's conduits, set up it's new places.
And so we are obliged to meet again this year to finish what we've started. To form the new circle of mages, watchers, angels and demons that will walk the new path of the old crafts.
I met E. I met C. And i'm sure i will met O again, soon. I started those old habits i put aside for a long time that seemed to pass in a blink. I smoke my cigar every day again as i did twelve years ago and haven't done since like that. I found my new companions and i guess so did the others. We are well prepared for closing the circle this year. Ending the round, starting the new.
Be seeing you.

Traveling with E

I left the train and walked to the stairs. I didn't bother much about all the other people standing there or hasting to get the train i just arrived with. I didn't care. I think it was the second time at all i even was in this town and the first time must have been more than thirty years ago because i barely remember anything.

Then i walked down. Calmly sunken in my thoughts. Then i looked up, straight to the opposite staircase that lead down from the other side. I just saw the feet. And a walking stick. And before the face of the person became visible that walked down just exactly opposite of me i recognised him. Or to be more precise: I just knew it's him. There was E.

He saw me just half a second later. We didn't walk faster or stopped. We walked down our stairs. Then we stood in front of each other and allowed ourselves a little smirk. "Ok..." he said. I said "Well. Hello, here i am."

Then we hugged. And we talked. He just started to move again. And as soon as he did, as soon as he traveled to a historically troubled city, we came to the exact same point at the exact same time. We don't knowyet what will be the task that will come out of this but undoubtedy there will be one.

And i'm glad about it, even if we both know that this will not be something easy or fun.

Hat and gloves

I put them out again. My days recently - well for some time now, to be really honest - became increasingly lonely. So it's just appropriate to get into gear again. I feel disconnected to the worlds inhabitants and have to admit to the fact that i for myself am not able to hold contacts up, not to speak of initiating them. With contact i mean real contact, not social programs. Thing is, when noone touches me i am losing contact. And at the moment i'm walking around unnoticed, invisible, untouchable. I think it's me, not the people but knowing this doesn't change anything about the outcome. So i can't avoid anymore realizing that it's getting too cold without hat and gloves. Makes me sad. At least this is something new to experience.

And then

there is this moment in which the fear of moving breaks and the clouds vanish and the sky glows bright and glittering, giving sight to the land before me that i even was afraid to look at. But there it is in all its beauty, suddenly visible in the moment i just took one step forward.
It is the same instant that i realize that i was stuck, walled in, frozen. For nearly one year i must have stood here actually and didn't even know that. I really thought i was moving, but now i see that that just was not true. Not true at all. I held onto a status quo. I wanted a comfortable and safe position to hold on forever. Which is impossible. When i stop moving, everything will fall apart in the end. It's not my nature to settle down and every time i try to i either destroy everything or i nearly do.
Today i nearly did. I should be sorry and apologize, but i apologized and was sorry again and again for a long time now. It won't help. Moving helps. Getting myself on path helps. Letting my fears and my jealousy go helps. Breaking my chains helps.
Even just to begin moving again helps. Helps big time.