Now

you see me.

Gone the full circle

As sun gets down all's set and done. All words are spoken and be gone.

Dealing cards

This day will be an important one and as always with the important things it will go nearly unnoticed: no greens flashes of light, no burting clouds, no lightning and thunderrolls. I lay out some cards on a kitchen table, looking at them, having some thoughts about them. The highest and most potent magic is the one no one senses.

I was in unease for some months now. Working hard to find any hints or tracks. I followed voices whispering directions too silent to understand them right. Until now - as it always comes out in the end - i'm ready to give in. Which means, i'm too tired even to worry any more. I need that state of conciousness. It's hard to reach because it it beyond the point of total exhaustion. I'd like to get there someday without having tried everything else first, but even that thought is unimportant now. It doesn't anger me, it doesn't make me sad. I'm at ease with it. If this is the way, so be it. Now i'm here and i'm calm and solemn and in the state of knowing, that everything is fine as it is.

My tarot deck is waiting patiently for me now. Perhaps half an hour still. And then there will be a new pattern on the desk, just for my eyes. Defining what will come next, only for me to know and staying in my mind for - say - the next five years. Perhaps i'll share some of it with the empress, but the whole picture will only slowly unfold in the days and months to come, so theres not much to give away, i guess.

And even this is fine. I'm traveling alone most of my paths anyway.

What am i doing here anyway?

I traveled to that place where everything just disturbs me. Shakes my self awareness. Floods my mood with troubling thoughts and feelings. What did i think? Did i think at all? I'm not standing safe at all right now. How could i put myself into a situation like that? Why did i run into a wall of knives when it's obviously a wall of knives? Am i mad?

Full cirle

This year it's been twelve years. So we did the full circle, one time the zodiac. Magic was reset and it had the time it needed to find it's natural ways, set up it's conduits, set up it's new places.
And so we are obliged to meet again this year to finish what we've started. To form the new circle of mages, watchers, angels and demons that will walk the new path of the old crafts.
I met E. I met C. And i'm sure i will met O again, soon. I started those old habits i put aside for a long time that seemed to pass in a blink. I smoke my cigar every day again as i did twelve years ago and haven't done since like that. I found my new companions and i guess so did the others. We are well prepared for closing the circle this year. Ending the round, starting the new.
Be seeing you.

Traveling with E

I left the train and walked to the stairs. I didn't bother much about all the other people standing there or hasting to get the train i just arrived with. I didn't care. I think it was the second time at all i even was in this town and the first time must have been more than thirty years ago because i barely remember anything.

Then i walked down. Calmly sunken in my thoughts. Then i looked up, straight to the opposite staircase that lead down from the other side. I just saw the feet. And a walking stick. And before the face of the person became visible that walked down just exactly opposite of me i recognised him. Or to be more precise: I just knew it's him. There was E.

He saw me just half a second later. We didn't walk faster or stopped. We walked down our stairs. Then we stood in front of each other and allowed ourselves a little smirk. "Ok..." he said. I said "Well. Hello, here i am."

Then we hugged. And we talked. He just started to move again. And as soon as he did, as soon as he traveled to a historically troubled city, we came to the exact same point at the exact same time. We don't knowyet what will be the task that will come out of this but undoubtedy there will be one.

And i'm glad about it, even if we both know that this will not be something easy or fun.

Hat and gloves

I put them out again. My days recently - well for some time now, to be really honest - became increasingly lonely. So it's just appropriate to get into gear again. I feel disconnected to the worlds inhabitants and have to admit to the fact that i for myself am not able to hold contacts up, not to speak of initiating them. With contact i mean real contact, not social programs. Thing is, when noone touches me i am losing contact. And at the moment i'm walking around unnoticed, invisible, untouchable. I think it's me, not the people but knowing this doesn't change anything about the outcome. So i can't avoid anymore realizing that it's getting too cold without hat and gloves. Makes me sad. At least this is something new to experience.

And then

there is this moment in which the fear of moving breaks and the clouds vanish and the sky glows bright and glittering, giving sight to the land before me that i even was afraid to look at. But there it is in all its beauty, suddenly visible in the moment i just took one step forward.
It is the same instant that i realize that i was stuck, walled in, frozen. For nearly one year i must have stood here actually and didn't even know that. I really thought i was moving, but now i see that that just was not true. Not true at all. I held onto a status quo. I wanted a comfortable and safe position to hold on forever. Which is impossible. When i stop moving, everything will fall apart in the end. It's not my nature to settle down and every time i try to i either destroy everything or i nearly do.
Today i nearly did. I should be sorry and apologize, but i apologized and was sorry again and again for a long time now. It won't help. Moving helps. Getting myself on path helps. Letting my fears and my jealousy go helps. Breaking my chains helps.
Even just to begin moving again helps. Helps big time.

Those shadows

haunt me. Again?
I am not entirely myself right now. I'm even jelaous. That's something i admit. And i'm put back. That's something i have to cope with because i can't do anything to change that for good. I tried. Big mistake: It made me even weaker. The alternative is to let go, but that's no option at all of course. She loves me and i love her. Despite all of my troubles with it this does not need to be touched.
But since we know that both, it makes me powerless. I don't have a trade or treat. I just need some little more time. Not much really, only a small fraction more of her time. But thats impossible right now. There's a difference between love and interest. She loves me. But her interests lie somewhere else. Somewhere where she does not want me to be, on something she does not want to share with me.
I liked the freedom in our connection. Now I'm feeling lonely. Perhaps this time of lonelyness is the price to pay for the freedom. I will pay it as long as i can, i don't have a real choice. I just hope that there will come other times again before i'm broke. She told me so. I want to believe her.
Is there something wrong with summers?

Disconnected

Got to face it. I lost trails. Don't know when, it can't have been so long ago but right now i feel unsure. Alone. Alone in the sense of being isolated and disconnected. There are people around me, even people i love and who love me. But i can see on their reactions that i'm not really in tune, that me and my presence don't fit right. That i'm acting off focus.
I don't like me this way: I feel like being a teenager again. Worse, i feel like being that teenager again, that i was: Unsure, the smallest, the nerd, the one without attention. Without the right attention. The one who missed nearly everything that the others long had, hopelessly staying behind for years.
Yes of course, i catched up. More than this, i took over in most regards. Friends wondered how i managed to always end up with the most interesting and beautiful company.
But i'm still carrying this rejected teenager in me, when i get stuck in my fears i fall back to stand stunned in confusion and powerlessness like i was then. How can i come to terms with him? He is so sad and angry, gets frustrated about nothing. I need to reconcile him to find back to myself again.

I yet don't understand much of the concept "time". I can't use it right: If i got it, i don't do much, if i have none, i'd like to write, paint, play music, talk...
I seem to be stunned by this "time". I can't move in it. I can, if it gets short but then i have to hurry. Could anybody teach me how to use this "time"?

Gone fishing

Halloween, Samhain and howewer they call these days, is a time i have no business with. The spirits are running free, all doors are open and every sphere is connected with the human world. It needs to be that way. For balancing reasons i guess, but i am not part of any of these spheres so i can only make assuptions.
Usually i keep a low profile. I am reading, watching this TV, don't walk outside, not to interfere accidentially. This year it's nearly the same, but i got very sweet and inspiring company. I am deeply thankful for that.

Having put my hat on

leads to some issues. Well knows issues, though. But getting used to them doesn't make them less difficult to cope with. One of them is that i can't save time. When a destination needs some weeks to reach, it will take some weeks. Even when i travel half the distance in just two days. Something will stop me, slow me down, need my attention so thoroughly that i will need much more time for the other half. That's quite ok afterwards. I will get there in the end, i will need the time i estimated. But it's an annoying situation that way. If it were otherwise, if i needed some time to get started and then it would become easyer and faster day by day, i would be much happier with it. But, as we know very well by now, this is not about me being happy.

You're in?

Speed is a funny concept. Sometimes you think, everything runs, changes, transcends in no time and it's hard to catch up, hardly having the time to understand what happens anyway.
Otherwise, there are times where the urge to change at least something becomes overwhelming. When days, months or years just seem to go by without giving meaning or progress.
If you look back then, a lot of the times where nothing seemed to happen were those with the most important lessons. And on the other hand the times you ran all around and started all those different projects, met all those people, seemed to love and hate more intensively than ever, didn't create anything sustainable, didn't enhance anything, didn't enlighten you at all (but perhaps a lot of those other people).
Don't underestimate the importance of just gathering. If you're sitting on a train there is no need to think about track and direction. You are on the way to the right destination anyway and trains have this really great advantage that usually you don't have to worry about getting there save and in time. So, there is a lot of time to watch who travels with you. You have a lot of time to read good books, to think about so much things that doesn't have one bit to do with the trains path or destination.
Traveling by train needs some time though. Perhaps you could get there much faster by plane or car, but now that you sit in the coach, you don't need to think about alternate ways. It's senseless to consider, if there would have been a better place to go, the train won't change tracks anyway.
So, my advice for trainrides is: Look who travels with you, have talks, get acquainted, prepare and sharpen your sword, relax, have a coffee and a good meal. If you arrive you will have to work, to fight, to run, to be present. Travel time is preparing and learning. Find out what you have to be capable of when you arrive. Expect the best and prepare for the worst.

One may blame me

One may blame me to be broken, when all that is valid should better be saved. I don't care about, if something matters because what matters now is forgotten tomorrow.
I stopped fighting to drown. It's a lie that you die. I breathed the water right in and travel behind the courtains since then. Under the surface. They don't get far by swimming, because most of the strength, most of the effort, is spent holding the head above the waves.

There's no such thing as a shortcut. Cuts go deep. Always.

Coat on

I'm not sure how long i slept, because i am not too familiar with the concept of time. I just closed my eyes for a moment. Just a brief blink to rest. To forget some burdenous thoughts that come with matter.
It was no replenishing, just a slight timeout. Of course without stopping the time around me - see how tired i was. But i gained enough distance and i can start walking again. Wandering again. You won't notice me though, as you didn't the time before i went to sleep.
So nothing changed. As far as i can see it. I am back and you won't see the difference. As you didn't see any without me walking here for some years - your time.

Two things unusual

First: To post something not relating directly with me.
Second: To link to someone else.
Pauley saw her future (bad word, but it points to the right direction) self.

If

you can't speak with me, i don't know why you think i would read what you write to me.

I won't back down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down

Tom Petty