Cellar Door

Need some change quick. The monsters are banging on the trap door again. Don't know why I fall back into those thoughts of self criticism or why I am questioning about what i am doing here every now and then. It never leads to a conclusion and i know that it doesn't help with anything. Perhaps it happens, when things are just not moving. When the wheel's not turning. So, go on, wheel, let's move, let's break on through! I'm so fed up with hanging around.

If you're not the one

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

(D. Bedingfield)

What do you want in live?

"What do you want in live?"
- "to bee free..."
"Simple"
- "No"

And i love you

and i like it
and i feel good
and i won't ask for anything
and you are a great person
and live is full of miracles
and live is full of sun

Forca

It is the passion flowing right on through your veins
And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came
It is the moment you remember you're alive
It is the air you breathe, the element, the fire
It is that flower that you took the time to smell
It is the power that you know you got as well
It is the fear inside that you can overcome
This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

It is the soundtrack of your ever-flowing life
It is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly
It is the beautiful game that you choose to play
When you step out into the world to start your day
You show your face and take it in and scream and pray
You're gonna win it for yourself and us today
It is the gold, the green, the yellow and the grey
The red and sweat and tears, the love you go. Hey!

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

Closer to the sky, closer, way up high, closer to the sky

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

(Nelly Furtado)

Oh. And yes,

I'm still searching for that purpose. My dreams tell me that. I tried to make a visit tonight. But when i stood at the door, i turned back. I know that even in my dreams that would be a bad idea.

Purpose

You should find a purpose in those things that happen. There is one, there should be one. And if you can't see one, you just have to look for it. If you don't find it, it will happen again and again. Or you will just not let it go and have to think about it again and again.
Some things don't seem to ahve a reason, no matter how hard you try to find one. Don't get cynical about it, then. Get creative. Find the good reason. Find the purpose that helps you out of the bad moods. Find the opportunity, that is given to you instead of the punchback. You will find it, we are made like that.

Secret World

One of my all time favourites, especially the live version.

I stood in this sunsheltered place
'Til I could see the face behind the face
All that had gone before had left no trace

Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
All the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

So I watch you wash your hair
Underwater, unaware
And the plane flies through the air
Did you think you didn't have to choose it
That I alone could win or lose it
In all the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

In this house of make believe
Divided in two, like Adam and Eve
You put out and I recieve

{Chorus:}
Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
In all the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

Oh the wheel is turning spinning round and round
And the house is crubling but the stairways stand

With no guilt and no shame, no sorrow or blame
Whatever it is, we are all the same

Making it up in our secret world [x3]
Shaking it up
Breaking it up
Making it up in our secret world

Seeing things that were not there
On a wing on a prayer
In this state of disrepair

[Chorus]

Shh, listen...
(Peter Gabriel)

After all

there is nothing to regret. I am not alone, I have my friends, and i have the ones, that understand me. I have the ones I love, and i have the ones who have loved me. I am truly blessed, and if i sometimes forget that, it will never be for long. In the end, i will always know, that you all will never do me wrong. I will always have faith in you. And if i sometimes haven't, i will remember very soon.

Time

Sometimes i get angry about myself. That i seem to have too much faith in others. But i don't want to change. I want to be treated differently: I want to be handled with some care. Do i make it too easy for them to switch me on when they need me and turn me off when they don't?

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign
 (Lonestar - Norah Jones)

Try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby

And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

(Nelly Furtado)

In the end, I'm always me

I live with some reocurring image problems. A lot of people think, I adapt too much to others. That I forget to care for myself, because I focus on those I love. That my acts become too dependent of others. Well, in a certain way, that is true. And in a certain way, this surely has caused heavy problems in the past. The thing is: It's not the whole picture. I would not care that much, if I didn't want it that way. I'm very aware of my specific situation and I am selfish enough to stop caring, if i find out, that i'm just getting utilized. Funny enough, the same people then immediately begin to call me self-righeous, arrogant or egoistical.
In the end, I'm always me.

Today

I really miss her.

Strong

I Know You're Strong
I Know You Belong
I Know You Are Strong
My Beautiful One

(from "Strong" - Reamonn)

This World

is not mine. I feel stranger to it than ever.

As i said before

unconditional is the only way, when it comes to it. But i could have done without it coming so early and so hard.

Crazy for this girl

She rolls the window down
And she
Talks over the sound
Of the cars that pass us by
And I don't know why
But she's changed my mind

Would you look at her
As she looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now

Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life
With you

(Evan & Jaron)

Or for the better

Well, after some more thinking: Conditions are crap. I may have doubts sometimes, about how i may react or feel. After all, all of this thinking is forgotten, when it comes to it. Then, i am... well... unconditional again. And i guess, i really like it better that way.
So, away with all those doubts and thoughts! I would not love my friends, when they would not be exactly as they are.

Unconditional

After some thinking, i come to the conclusion that i do not want to love unconditionally. I have some conditions, for my own sake and sanity: There must be a common base. There must be a verbalized will to hold to the other one. I will not be able to keep together a relation all by myself, letting the other be the one who may doubt and hesitate all the time. Well, i could be able, but i don't want to. I lived through such a model for years - it does not work and did wear me out.
I need to be trusted, but I also want to be able trust my partner. I'm loyal, but i need loyalty. I want a love that stands time. I don't need kicks, either high or low. And if i can offer something, then it's stability: My love never ends.

The greatest thing

The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

What Am I To You?

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

(Norah Jones)

Why I am doing this to me?

Easy answer: Because I love. Love is worth everything, giving up is no option. But I refuse to stick to a preordained path. And all will happen as she said, if she does not change. All she changes is outwardness: Color of hair, arrangement of furniture. Inside she sticks with her habits that will just run in the same circles. If she does not feel the need to break out of this, I will need to break up. Because of love. I told her that i won't put pressure on this, but when i don't do it, she will not stay.

Tired

everything is so foggy and blurred. I'm tired and freezy. All that was warm and near is now far away. This must be the feeling, when you are left alone. I don't want this feeling to stay. I want you to stay.

Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realized my mistake

Yes I know

that when something goes wrong with people, it's not only one who makes all the mistakes. I know, that there are uncertainties that lead to bad misunderstandings when two people just met and try to find each other. I know, that it's not fair, that i seem not to be allowed to make mistakes while i have to accept all the mistakes of the other person. I know all this, but it does not change anything right now.
It just would make me even more uncertain than i am, if i would think about it. I would begin to think about, what it means to me, that the other gives up at the first mistake that i make. Even if it is a big one.

Change me damn it,

And if you can't, and if I can't change, i will make all my mistakes again and again. So, I'm the king of making things worse. But this time, perhaps, after making nearly all the same bunkum, i did before, i won't make the last mistake i did last time. I won't try to fix things i can only break more by trying. This time I will leave everything as it is right now, saving the good times in my heart and just sit back and be silent. The storm in my mind will be gone someday. The wounds will turn to scars that i may hide under a new garment. I will count to three and it will be over. Time heals all those wonders. And after just some more years, there will only be scars there, where the wonders have been.
Too high hopes, too ambitious goals to get happy. Perhaps i should just switch to a normal, uninteresting, safe life. Be happy with watching TV, working the day and turning grey.

I messed it all up

and everything is lost.

Very small

thats how i feel right now. I would like to stop reacting and begin to act. But there ist so much stuff on my agenda that i have to work out that i will not be able to have time for myself for months.

Traveling at safe speed

I try to be aware. It is important to listen to your inner voices now and then. To check the path you're on. Where does it lead you? Are you about to miss a junction? Are there signs which tell you about perils and troubles ahead that you should be prepared for?
I never was extreme, i did never take those pills or smoked so much of that stuff, that i can't smell it anyore without getting sick, as so many people do that i know. I did everything though - but later. When i was sure that i can head in whithout losing myself. I always did well with it and i guess, that this is the reason for myself being that stable. But sometimes, like now, i wish, i could forget all about this and just run off, get totally lost, fall into one of those pits, losing my mind for a while.

Hold your breath and count to ten

And fall apart and start again.

One way street

Everything that you've done in your life
Every experience, every thought, every moment
Has led to this, has led to now
Everything that happens is for a reason
Every success, every defeat, everything
Nothing is an accident.

(from 'All the fun of the fair' - Anthony Stewart Head)

Can't tell

What is it that i try to be open to everyone, but can't find out what's really behind all this mess i'm always getting myself in? I am good in saving people. Really good. It's some family thing, i found out the last days. I was save in my family, and it was like paradise, my childhood. But now, i feel like cast out, like thrown out of eden, and i remember how it was when everyone cared. But it's gone for bad, theres no family left, only individuals.
Kind of funny, as i think of it, my affinity to the phantom stranger is fitting like a glove. He did not choose sides, when there was war, and now he doesn't belong to anyone. Even if there are people who like him, he is a stranger to them. Am i a stranger? Only for caring?

Where an when

It seems we stood and talked like this, before
We looked at each other in the same way then
But I can't remember
where or when

The clothes you're wearing are the clothes you wore
The smile you are smiling you were smiling then
But I can't remember
where or when


Some things that happened
for the first time
Seem to be happening again
And so it seems that
we have met before
And that we laughed before,
also loved before
But who knows where or when

(Rogers and Hart)

Create your world

after a while, the ruins were covered with leafes, with moss and the fine sparkling dew of the morning. It looks beautiful and invites me to visit it now and then. Ha, here must be the place where we laughed out of a kiss because the grass tickled and it wasn't so romantic to make love in the wilderness after all. And that wasthe room we used way to less. Perhaps it would have changed everything...
Ruins are a beautiful thing. I never would flatten the place to build a new castle on the same ground. I would just leave it be and come back to remember the good times now and then.

There it was

I felt it. First it was like back then. But after a while i realized, it was different. It was a feeling of contempt. Of wholeness and of being at ease with everything, even with all that went bad. Nothing was washed away, it wasn't as if nothing happened and everything went to the start, as i assumed it would be and what would be unacceptable for me.
No, everything stays where it is. But my view to it was calm. I don't need to throw anything away to make place for something else to replace it. I liked that idea. I just open the door to new rooms inside me. empty rooms, with white walls and nothing in it but the light shining in through those high windows. With all my experience i can keep and use, i will not rush in. I will move over with very little luggage and i will keep the old place, because the soul has endless space.

I will go down with this ship

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Dido, White Flag)

Experience

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

everything's not lost

When I counted up my demons,
Saw there was one for everyday.
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost,
I'llbe counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,
You could feel it all around.
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

Coldplay

The Same Old Sun

Tell me what to do
Now the light in my life is gone from me
Is it always the same
Is the night never ending

Tell me what to do
All the hopes and the dreams went wrong for me
There's a smile on my face
But I'm only pretending

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

The same old sun would shine in the morning
The same bright eyes would welcome me home
And the moon would rise way over my head
And get through the night alone

And the same old sun will shine in the morning
The same bright stars will welcome me home
And the clouds will rise way over my head
I'll get through the night on my own

Tell me what to do
Now there's nobody watching over me
If I seem to be calm
Well it's all an illusion
Tell me what to do
When the fear of the night comes over me
There's a smile on my face
Just to hide the confusion

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

The same old sun would shine in the morning
The same bright eyes would welcome me home
And the moon would rise way over my head
And get through the night alone

And the same old sun will shine in the morning
The same bright stars will welcome me home
And the clouds will rise way over my head
I'll get through the night on my own

Alan Parsons Project

Goals

better don't have some.

Ain't that great

when you find out that you wasted years in numbness and fears about the material existence of yourself and those you love? When therefore you worked only for getting out of the shit? And by doing this, losing everything out of the focus, that you're living for, thats fun, thats lovable and that you're lovable for? And by losing this, losing all that you wanted to save by it, losing all that you thought you cared for in the first place?
In a way, it's releasing. It would be sad only, when this revelation wouldn't change anything. But i guess it already did.

Going down

You want to know, how it works? Ok, even when i don't know why you would want to go there, i will tell you.
First, have a bottle of wine. Don't make a celebration out of it. Just drink it.
Then, sit. Sit and slowly let the shadows come. They will sit in the corner, first they will look like cats. After a while, theywill grow bigger. Scarier. Theywill overlay the real world.
Then, you have to stand up and close your eyes: There, in front of you, will be the door. Walk through it an go all the way down, without stopping. If you stop, you will have failed and step out of the door again.
As i said, the last hundred steps will be in darkness. You will hear lots of things, people or worse. You will have to ignore them.
At last, there will be the door. Don't hesitate, just open it and step in. It will be a glaring light, you stand in. Just walk on, you're almost there. If the light becomes coldest an brightest you can stop. You're there. And unfortunately you will not come back, at least without a heavy headache, i guess.

I'll talk with him

He is waiting beneath all this. I step down the staircase and i know that the last hundret steps will be in complete darkness until i reach that door. I avoid it, but every now and then i have to go there, facing the ghosts of those who chose and fell. I never chose, thats why i'm still here. And i can cross the borders in every direction because i never chose. But i don't have a home for the same reason.
Even if i thought i could have it, i don't. I just had an illusion for some days. Or years. Doesn't matter how long. In terms of eons it never mattered.
This time i need to know something, i always thought i already knew. But it dit turn out to be a setup. I want to know how to get out of that trap. Perhaps they don't know how deep i can go to find answers. They will find out, eventually. Come on, ghosts. Lead me to your master.

A kiss on the neck

and a soft touch on the shoulder, I would give all for it.

I'm not interested

in the concept "guilt". I don't search for examples or any other evidence to prove anyone guilty. I think, everything that someone does has its effects - noone intends his actions to generally cause pain, so most of the time, even as unfortune as the effects may be, there is nothing and no one who is to be blamed, anyhow.
I would like you to understand that, perhaps you would understand, why i get angry, everytime you tell me, i only try to put all the guilt on you. I don't, but when guilt is such an important issue for you that someone just has to be guilty and this one has to be determined (what for? we could just solve the problems instead), and i don't accept being guilty, then you automatically think, i blame you instead. But thats your conclusion, and it's wrong. I don't blame me, and i don't blame you! You're not guilty as well, it's just normal, human behavior we discuss here, no one does things wrong or right, we do them different.
And i would like you to stop asking me what i think, when you in fact don't want to hear it. I could sleep better instead of having futile arguments all the night long in my dreams about this issue.

What do you want from me?

The last thing you wanted me to do is to go. I did even that. I don't know how i could prove to you that i don't demand anything from you. I'm not your parents. I don't need you to be other than how you are. Why do you always tell me what i'm thinking? Why do you want everyone to be as you want him? Especially when that is something, that you never would accept from anyone?
First, you wanted me to go. Now, you tell me, i don't talk enough with you. What the heck do you expect?

Tell me something

Let's sit in a park and talk. Or better: You talk. Tell me how your life has been all those years, tell me what you did, what you do now. Tell me what you want to do. Do you have plans? Dreams? Visions? I would like it so much, if you'd share some hours of your life to tell me some years of it. We would sit in the park, we would watch the clouds and drink a bottle of wine. Perhaps, then, we would agree, that we should do this more often. Perhaps once or twice a year.

My memories

are like Ruins, that become withered and grown with green and will fit beautiful into the landcape in some years, telling wanderers from glorious days gone. I can walk by now and then, resting my thoughts of today and smile, when i recognize a detail now and then.
I cannot understand people, who build parking lots on their memories.

Softly whispering in in my ear

when all is in turmoil, when the hand is shaking. When i want to forget everything, when it's all too complicated i need someone who talks to me about trees and clouds and birds. Someone who hums a song into my ear, cleaning out my brain.

Don't let it bring you down,
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

When i close my eyes

i see you. We just sit there, your head leans on mine. We don't need to talk. TIme stands still for us. It is enough to be just where we are and watch the world around us. Do you hear the music? It's the soundtrack of life. A silent piano blues, that drops by. I don't want to wake up. Hell, yes. I know that i'm dreaming. But nevertheless i don't want to wake up. But i will, eventually. And we part, promising each other that we will see us again, that we will find us again. Tomorrow night. Kiss you.

Like the wind

with no goal. Just drifting through time. Going where chance leads me, i'm flowing silent between dark narrow houses, floating around a corner now and then, spreading out into the open desert. Zooming away over mountains and clouds.
I don't know, where i go. I just don't want to stay.

Travel partner

When i travel, i seldomly travel with company. But there were days I often had a partner. We used to walk together, silent and with a fast step, noone could follow us. When we arrived, one checked the inn, the other checked the refreshments so that after minutes the room was booked and the beer stood on the table. I miss those days, when we left for weeks at night.
Today i make those journeys all alone. The streets and roads are very empty today, many of the inns abandoned. Many of the kingdoms are in a desolate state, it even seems to rain more often, as if to point out the weariness. As if it wants to spare me the view of a wide, but dreary landscape.

Tower of dreams

The wooden construction seemed to be stable, but at the same time it looked very much put together completely at random. Built with raw, thick planks it defied the conventions of physics, because it seemed to be endless high. I walked up for hours. I didn't get tired, though. I was not afraid, although the wind disheveled my hair and coat.
I just walked upwards. Step by step, stair by stair, ladder by ladder. Was there an end of this path? It didn't seem so. But it didn't matter either, i wasn't in a haste, i just knew that i had to go on, no matter how long. It was like a meditation. I was calm, firmly and continuosly climbing up and up, with no real goal and no real expectation. The harsh wind filled my ears and did the rest to cut me off from the world. I can walk forever like that. Perfectly at ease.

Hope vol. 2

Hope is beauty,
Personified,
At her feet, the world,
Hypnotized.

A million flashes,
A million smiles,
And on the catwalk,
She flats in style

But in this heart of darkness
Our hope lies lost and torn;
All flame like love is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Pain and glory,
Hand in hand,
A sacrifice,
The highest price;

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper she was gone...
Like when angels fall.

And in this heart of darkness
All hope lies on the floor;
All love like flame is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper, she was gone
Like an angel,
And Angels fall

(Apocalyptica)

it's your life

it's your life
it's your mind
choices that you make my love
it's my heart in your hands
keep it or just let it fall
another stone placed in my wall
(by Milla Jovovich, from It's Your Life)

Strong?

What's strong about running away? I hear it so often, that people break up because they think they can leave their problems with the other one. And it never works, because most of the problems they had with the other one were projections. They just tried to put everything unpleasant and annoying on the others account, what works to get the impression, that all the own failure and all of ones anger is his fault. That makes it easy to leave: who wants to live with such a jerk they make out of the other?
And then people call that "strong"...

Out of sync

There is this world running beside me. Everyone seems to be busy with plans and goals, they are determined to reach a point. A point where they see the meaning of their existence, be it banal or sophisticated. It's interesting, I seem to be completely out of the game right now. It's like standing on the side of a highway, where they drive in fullspeed, concentrate on not letting themselves distract. By someone, who had to leave the race, like me.
I don't have goals at this time. I live into the day. I see the others drive by, i don't try to stop one of them to ask for a lift. Why should I, he wouldn't be able to take me where i wanted to go, when I was in the race.

Grieve

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
(Peter Gabriel)

Anger management

I deleted every post i wrote about the case that upset me yesterday after finding out that noone really understood that i felt hurt by a self-imposing moron. I don't need explanations about how he meant or hadn't meant what he wrote. He lets others do this job, he doesn't go down on my level to answer my personally, so i can stop the discussion at this point, it's senseless to talk with his ground troops.
He always writes stupid things like that, pissing people off, he's a loose cannon and perhaps he will go for one of those schmocks who try to talk me into thinking, i was pissed on by him by my own fault and wonder why i don't seem to agree with it. They will not remember my claims then, but they will rant about being kicked in the back as well when it happens. I won't bother or even react. I can stay away from things like that and i can let them be happy with their self righteous attitude, assuring themselves and each other that they must have been right to prevent themselves from thinking about what i wrote, living in their world of good (them) and evil (everyone else).
I'm not even angry now, just a bit disappointed. It just does not make sense to me to go on with an argument with hysteric people who don't bother to read what i wrote but just answer to their simplified ideas of what i "really" meant.
One more reason for deleting the posts: Theres this person, that starts to troll at every single post i write, making it impossible to have a decent conversation. That's so boring and the times that i found it funny to play with people like her are long over. I'm too old for shit like this.

Coming Back To Life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
(David Gilmour)

Last Time

It's just like the last time
The part where I try to deny
That she's already said goodbye
Time and time again I find that I'm
Lying quiet by her side
Wondering what she's got to hide
This time

I guess I'm just a pastime
Something to keep her occupied
'Til she decides to let it slide
And we both know she'll come back on the fly
And she'll pretend I've got my pride

But I don't understand why every time
I get ripped all up inside
Then I…give it one more try
So let this be the last time
Let this well of mine run dry
So I don't have to watch my cry
This time when she goes I'll be resigned

Let me shut the door behind her
Let me put her from my mind
Let my spirit grow unkind
Let her be the one to find
That I…give it one more try
Try it one more time
This will be the last time
That last time
The last time

(by Joss Whedon)

Numb now

I made it. Encased everything for later. The life as it was ends, life as it will be does not interest me much since it won't be anything I wanted. But it will do. It has to, as always. I made my requests for it, this time i won't accept second best values: If I have to go that way I don't owe anyone anymore. They owe me now. Every single one. I won't be a bargain.

And then I see a darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice,
the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love,
for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive,
for life I won't let go
But sometimes this opposition,
comes rising up in me
This terrible imposition,
comes blacking through my mind

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll find peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And draw the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
That isn't all I see

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness
Will Oldham

What am i doing here?

I' m so sick off all this. Perhaps i should accept that i am arrogant. And ignorant. And that i always look for reasons that the others are guilty for whatever is bad in my life. Then, my life would be so much easier. I could start to act as ignorant hypocrat. How easy my life would be. And how senseless.

Enthusiasm?

All right, i am doing my best to settle everything the best way i can for all. But I certainly won't be showing much enthusiasm in doing so. Be happy that i do it. It's more than enough.

Blame me!

She says I'm one of those, who have to think now ("Ha! Those stupid men!"). About their role and their old fashioned views. About what happens when someone goes this oh-so-great and new path of complete change and enlightenment. And leaves me behind in my dark cave of not knowing anything about how great this new and completely different life ist.
Perhaps she will see in the end, that it is nothing unique, because it's always like this, when you're in love. You think, everything is different and all people who don't share these feelings are antiquated and stick to their habitous way of life while you fly to cloud nine.
Been there. Done that. Yeah, it's great for someone who is in the twenties, finding out that there is more than teenage fancying, that now there can arise this great feeling of depth, of bonding, of wanting to walk side by side with someone. In the thirties, there may be a moment when you remember how great this was and you want it again. But because you know that it's just selfish and irresponsible to just try to get your twenties back it's necessary to find some higher reason. Betrayal and just wanting some change and new adventures can't be reason enough to leave behind the responsibilities that have amassed during the years. But there's a reason why older cultures teach, that in every age you have to learn something, that you cannot learn in any other age.
How i come to think, that this walking-new-paths thing is just an excuse? Because for me, there's totally no difference who is this other one. Or what. See, it's used as the explanation for everything, used to impose yourself over me and used to elevate a darn, simple ego-trip to a revelation that i "can't understand" and so must tragically accept, that i can't be part of this new period of life.
To prevent me from any reasoning, she assumes a superstitious, dogmatic kind of gender related religion-like view of life that i'm "not capable to understand" - sorry, wrong gender.
As if gender has any big role in these issues of love and attraction. I am not the one who says one has to choose, which gender you love and which one automatically has never to be touched again. This is the same artificial restriction, just the other way round.
Sorry, but it seems, the one walking backwards with old fashioned views of what love is about is not me. I guess, when it's necessary to get backpadded for those poor excuses, when it's necessary to convince yourself to be on a holy trip instead just falling in love with someone else, there will be not this permanent change you want to believe in. That's the thing with mock-ups. They will never get solid but vanish one day, leaving you exactly where you were before.
So, in the end your way will just repeat itself. You will repeat yourself. What reason do you want to pretend next time? Better think about it soon, because the rerun will loose it's taste much faster.

Not funny

I guess one of the reasons why people do not talk to each other about their issues and differences but instead try to dominate the others, hurt them and get hurt by them is, that they most often begin to forget to solve the problem over their wish to win a fight. Could be that this is a bad case of falling back into their Cro Magnon consciousness. But it is more than failing. It is runnig back into the caves. It is forgetting the difference.

I do not easily talk

about feelings. About anger. About what and whom i love and hate. I don't like straightness in the terms of telling what i think. Because in subjects of love and hate it is not important for me what i think but what i feel.
What i think is something I can spread and discuss. What I feel is nothing i like to discuss. I don't want to analyze my feelings, I want to feel them. They are true for me as the feelings of everyone else are true for them. Noone will hear much of an answer from me, who tells me what she or he fells. I just believe it and I won't do any kind of analizing.
Lots of people make the mistake to believe that I am not open or that I hide my feelings. Be assured: I don't. Talking is just not the medium for showing my state of mood. It is everything else instead, so if you just stop focussing on my words you will understand me perfectly. Because I never hide my feelings.

Furious Angels

Like a sentence of death,
I got no options left,
I've got nothing to show now.

I'm down on the ground,
I've got seconds to live,
and you can't go now.

'Cause love, like invisible bullet shot me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.
They will bring back to me.

You're a dirty needle,
you're in my blood and there's no cure in me.
I wanna run, like the blood from a wound
to a place you can't see me.
'Cause love, like a blow to the head has left me stunned
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.

You're a cold piece of steel between my ribs
and there's no saving me.
And I can't get up,
from this wet crimson bed that you made for me.
That you made for me!
'Cause love like a knife in the back has cut me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding,
and if you go, angels will run to defend me, to defend me.

'Cause I can't get up, I'm as cold as a stone,
I can feel the life fade from me.
I'm down on the ground, I've got second to live,
and what's that waits for me, oh that waits for me!
'Cause like a sentence of death, left me stunned,
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling,
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me
(Rob Dougan)

You did the trick

I am walking in those ruins. But i am walking now. Not standing, staring at the place that for so long was this cheerful, inspiring home of my heart, so utterly and thoroughly destructed, shredded into smallest ribbles to make sure there will be no chance to rebuild it. Or to build something better out of it. My heart was the only part of me with a home for all those years. Now, i took it back, relentlessly, because what i give to someone will never be claimed back, whatsoever.
Thank you for realizing that there is no sense in leaving it in the dust, when somebody drops it. I will take it with me as i wander forth now and let it heal. We talked about it, that time has no meaning in matters that are not connected to material things. Or bodies.

The art of magic

is that it does not show. Too easy they will find delusions of grandeur in your words, if you expose yourself too easyly. No. Some things got to happen in secret. And the greatest deeds will better never be connected with the person, the actor himself. If you want to be a magician this may be your first lesson: Acting like a magician means just being aware of the things you are responsible for. Not talking about them all the time.

Enter at your own risk

Next year is on the doorstep. All right, i can't hold it back, so come in already. But don't think you will get anything from me. You may expect a lot from me, but i won't deliver this time. See, we all have our problems. Your predecessor fooled me, so it's up to you to prove, that it is worth to invest my time for your crap. Be seeing you.

What they don't tell you

There is no promise of a paradise in life. The only reward you may expect is to know that you've done the right thing. Only in movies a hero saves the day because he just has nothing else to do. Normal people just live their lives and when they become heroes they will be ripped out of their live and thrown into the new plot. There is only the choice to lose or to try to stick to your ideals. If you have nothing but your conscience it is your conscience you should trust. Then, perhaps, you will succeed in not losing yourself. But you may do so,perhaps, by losing your life.

Sweet child o'mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

(Guns'n'Roses)

It's just the smoke

I'm fine. Thanks. Don't worry about me, I will get along. It's ok, I'm quite comfortable with my situation. Please don't stop here: Nothing to see. Its just smoke, there never was a life here.

Free to wonder, free to roam

The sky is wide open, i would fly if i were you. So use your chance, use your luck and use your wings. You may be aware that your wings are not able to carry you. Physically it is impossible. But it is the faith, the freedom and the magical upwash that is your will to fly and your belief that you can do it, that will carry you into the air and to far places. I for myself will stay on the ground and walk. I will travel the slow, winding path that leads to a next spring. My curiosity is not big enough to feel an urge and I won't have the power to fly for some time, but it's ok. I don't care. Much.

When I am tired

everything becomes heavy and weary to do and move. I get slow and dumb. Sleep feels like falling into a deep black hole. Waking up like hitting the ground.

At this point

I visited my past yesterday. It didn't change much what makes me somewhat confident, because i seem to change faster than my environment. Everything was on the same places, walking by on the same streets, restaurants and shops filled with nameless people showed me, that i am for sure a stranger there for the people, but not for the city. It seemed to greet me in a quiet, knowing way.

The World is Stone

Stone, the world is stone
It's no trick of the light
It's hard on the soul

Stone, the world is stone
Cold to the touch
And hard on the soul
In the grey of the streets
In the neon unknown
I look for a sign
That I'm not on my own
That I'm not here alone

As the still of the night
And the choke of the air
And the winner's delight
And the loser's despair
Closes in left and right
I would love not to care

Stone, the world is stone
From a faraway look
Without stars in my eyes
Through the halls of the rich
And the flats of the poor
Wherever I go

There's no warmth anymore
There's no love anymore

So I turn on my heels
I'm declining the fall
I've had all I can take
With my back to the wall
Tell the world I'm not in
I'm not taking the call

Stone, the world is stone
But I saw it once
With the stars in my eyes
When each colour rang out
In a thunderous chrome
It's no trick of the light
I can't find my way home
In a world of stone

(Michel Berger, Luc Plamondon and Tim Rice)

Tired

Is it the month thats tiring me? I feel like drifting, floating. Not belonging anywhere. People fill places where i should be but i am not able to state a claim. If they not want me to be there, why should i force it? I need to be needed, otherwise there is no sense in even trying. I am exhausted, burned out, i'm falling in no specific direction. These days come an go, sure. But they come more often and they stay longer everytime. The space in between, when i am able to produce something, when i feel connected (well.. feeling loved is out of the list, since that is something i barely remember) are so hard to reach that when i do, i don't find the power to care for it.

10 things I hate about you

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry

I hate it that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don ' t hate you
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even any at all.
(The whole script here)

Getting disconnected

Working with magic makes you able to control your environment. You will do so, at the beginning. After some time you will find that there is always a price to pay. Are you ready to pay it? I tell you one of those prices: It is getting disconnected from everything exciting. You begin to avoid surprises, because they don't fit into an image of someone having everything under control. Sure you have, but then, isn't this only so because you have more distance to things? This distance will be a gap someday, the people around you cannot cross anymore to reach you. So please take care to save yourself the ability to wonder, to get surprised, to get angry and in rage. It will help you to remain connected.

Don't give me songs

Give me something to sing about
I need something to sing about

Life's a song you don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse

Still, my friends
don't know why I ignore
The million things or more
I should be dancing for

All the joy
life sends
Family
and friends
All the twists
and bends
knowing that
it ends
Well, that depends
On if they let you go
On if they know enough to know
that when you've bowed
You leave the crowd

There was no pain
No fear, no doubt
Till they pulled me out of heaven

So that's my refrain
I live in hell
'Cause I've been expelled from heaven
I think I was in heaven

So give me something to sing about
Please give me something...

(from "Life's a show" out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Ep 6-07)

Did i say sparks?

I'm out of them, now. Whew, this was fast. Perhaps it's been the mistake in the first place to search for grace.
Hey! Isn't freedom great? I don't know. Humans use their freedom like they use the rest of their environment: Without any respect or responsibility. They are so gifted and they abuse it, rape it, fuck around with it and say "Hey! You are so dumb to give it to us! Look, we can waste you with it, now! And we do, because we are free to do it!". Gettin' kicked and trampled by all those free people who do this just because they can does not make much sense to me either. I am not too sure, who will win in the end: my patience or their freedom. Either way, it won't be very pleasant for 'em. But then, they will complain, how wrong everything went and if they only had known. Hey! I told you! It was you who does not listen!

Sparks and small lights

If you see one, go for it. Why should you look for hope, relief, forgiveness if you are not ready to commit into it when you finally seem to find it? Don't try to determine, if it's a trick. if it is, it will show soon enough, if it's not, you would have passed the moment. It will be harder to find another chance than to deal with a disappointment. If you had some trouble already, some more is no big deal really. Knowing that you missed the turning of the tide can make you abandon all further hope. Don't do that.

If you are suicidal

don't try to speak with me: I could understand your point.
Am i burned out? Yet?

Forgetting who i am...

i'm not sure, if all these crap happens because i lost myself in a life, i'm not really fitting into. I hoped for more flexibility, more possibilities to participate in change, in the flow of things and my life seemed to give me all the tools i needed for it. But now i sit here wondering why i can't move at all. As soon as i try to everything seems to implode, to barr me from my goal. What was my goal again? I thought i knew it, i seem to have forgotten it in the mists of being a civilized human.

Too sunny to feel bad

Blue sky and bright sun in autumn. If you feel depressed or sick or tired, go outside. For a walk or a short trip. I do.

Fix me a lobotomy, then!

"What else, for christ sake!" - Problem is, there are still some working areas in my life. Still a few friends and people who care for me. So there are plenty possibilities for some more new disappointments and crappy developments. I know, that sounds like a selffulfilling prophecy. But i just don't know how to handle all this. There are friends - well former friends - of mine, telling everyone they meet that they don't like me and what kind of asshole i am. I don't even know, what made them angry about me in the first place (I asked, of course, but the answer was that they don't have grudges against me and everything is ok), and i don't know, why they feel the urge, that everyone should know that i'm a bad person.
I don't want to think about all this, really. Those former friends are not my concern anymore, i can live with that, really. My only point here is, that i lost friends, i did not want to lose, but hey, in time it will pass into oblivion. No, what really pisses me off is the amount of all those different but concurrent events, that hack into my life from all directions that really wears me out at the time. I am losing every grip to steadiness. It paralizes me. And i thought, last year was atrocious...

can't sleep

I'm sitting at the screen, klicking the same websites again and again and can't just go to bed and sleep. I know that i will be tired tomorrow but it's just... no, i don't know what it is. I just could stand up and turn the computer off. But i don't do it. What am i waiting for? Can't say until its here, i guess. Same yesterday. Same tomorrow, i think.

Don't trust written words

they are cheating you, because you will read what you want to read. You don't hear a voice, when you read, so what do you know about the intentions of the author? Nothing - you don't know if he is thoughtful or hateful, if he wants to just cheer you up or smack you down. A written conversation lacks everything a conversation is good for: the compassion and the communication of feelings that you hear and see when you talk with someone face to face.

Ruby Tuesday

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Jagger/Richards

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr George Carey

"At times like these there is nothing we can say that can stem the waves of grief, regret and reproach.
Our first duty is to express our love and our deep, deep sympathy to Holly and Jessica's parents, and to watch and weep with them in these dark days.
In the midst of this tragedy, we can only take our hurt and grief at this bewildering tragedy and place it in God's hands, remembering the words of Psalm 23; Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for thou art with me' remembering that God's unconquerable love, shown to us in Jesus, surrounds Holly and Jessica and their parents. Pray for them."
There is this feeling sometimes, that you may do whatever possible and try to make the stand for humanity and hope and then, you just can't stop thinking, that all this hope is worth just as much as crossing the deep waters with a spoon as paddle. Wrong instrument for an even unreachable goal.
Of course, what matters is, not to let loose in the long term. But it is so tiresome. Sometimes i think of me as a manufacturing defective: I am not half as deteminded and faithful as the kindred ones.

Windmills of Your Mind

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnaval balloon
Like a carousell that's turning
Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it's own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle your head
Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking allong the shore,
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circle that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Words and music by Alan Bergman and Michel Jean Legrand

One day in paradise

Yesterday i had one day in paradise. Caused by a heavy migraine i just did not want to think, to listen or see anything at all. I switched off the radio, closed the window and remained in my bed. Awake, but without any deeper thought i held this status of complete disconnection from anything important for one whole day.
And even if my head tried to implode with every move or noise, it was a great relaxing and comforting experience: nothing to do, nothing to think about, just letting the time pass and not even noticing it. Unaware of the world outside, unconscious for any responsibility, floating in a limbo of ignorance i came back to this world and felt: this is what we lost. This was our life in eden, a life we abandoned in exchange for consciousness and development. But sometimes, if we are in heavy pain, we may go back for a short time. I am just not sure why: It could be either a heavenly grace to sustain times of agony, or a mean curse - a bad sardonic lesson because when its over, the burden of life outside of paradise has to be taken again. And then you realize that this self-determined life may be worse than the greatest physical pain.
I can understand these People, who would like just to get back into their pod, dreaming a happy life, chewing on a imaginary steak and humming "Mmh, ignorance is bliss!". They would love to live in the lies of an comfortable hell and kill for it. I have an idea now, why.

Summer Rain

I especially like the hours before the rain starts. it is like a small symphony. First it gets dark from the east and for a moment everything gets calm and quiet. Just one bird doesn't care and goes on singing as if he knows that he got his chance for a solo right now. Then the wind comes up. Slow at first, and warm, because it just moves the heated air. Time is of no matter, there will be no announcements of the schedule. But sooner or later the best part of the overture will follow: breezes of cooled, fresh air, coming in like unknown guests from far away, teasing you with feelings of anticipation because you know that they are foreboding an upcoming change.
and then you hear it: The first far roaring of thunder and i lean back. Nature will run a change now. I can't and i surely will not do anything about it. The rain and thunderstorm does it's work and i got a break, watching nature doing it's stuff uncontrolled and unimpressed.

So fed up
Just leave me alone for a while. I won't take sides. Never ever. I don't know why they always try to find a suitable drawer in which they want to sort me in. I don't care, ok? I don't have grudges, and, if i had them, that would not mean, that i take the other side. So if you could - at least for a while - leave me alone and let me walk my paths for myself?

More clouds
I got this story of a war of mages for a long time now. I tried to write it down, together with friends we managed to create half a book now but the story leads somewhere else and i believe the only way to get out is to start completely new all by myself. Perhaps this book gets finished someday, but it won't match my intention nevertheless. Could be the reason for my clouded mind as soon as i sit down to go on writing.

The dear (fictional) colleagues
Buffy Summers: Does it ever get easy?
Rupert Giles: You mean life?
Buffy Summers: Yeah, does it ever get easy?
Rupert Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy Summers: Lie to me.
Rupert Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true.
The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats,
and we always defeat them and save the day.
No one ever dies... and everyone lives happily ever after.
Buffy Summers: Liar.

Broaden your options
If you don't know if your decision will be right, especially if there seem to be only few options, try to find more options. How? First: Find the goal behind the goal. You think your goal is to have a career and the decision would be to invest really all of your time into your job? Then what's the reason for it? What is it you want to reach (it can't be that you really just want more work)? Do you want to prove your dad that you can make it high up in business? Do you reach for independecy, do you want to have the responsibility for what you do most of your lifetime?
When you found out what really is triggering you, you will see that there might pop up options and possible was to this goal (or to cope with this reason) that didn't make it to your mind yet. Once the fixation to a "one and only way" is gone you might find out that there are alternate realities in which your goal behind the goal can be reached as well and much more easier, or faster.
The other way to broaden your choices is just to wait a little more and in this time, to communicate with as much people as possible about your wishes and where you want to go. Just give it a shot, i won't tell you what happens, but be assured: If there is no unpassable deadline and you are unsure, there is nothing working better for you than a certain time in wich you talk about what you want.