Last Time

It's just like the last time
The part where I try to deny
That she's already said goodbye
Time and time again I find that I'm
Lying quiet by her side
Wondering what she's got to hide
This time

I guess I'm just a pastime
Something to keep her occupied
'Til she decides to let it slide
And we both know she'll come back on the fly
And she'll pretend I've got my pride

But I don't understand why every time
I get ripped all up inside
Then I…give it one more try
So let this be the last time
Let this well of mine run dry
So I don't have to watch my cry
This time when she goes I'll be resigned

Let me shut the door behind her
Let me put her from my mind
Let my spirit grow unkind
Let her be the one to find
That I…give it one more try
Try it one more time
This will be the last time
That last time
The last time

(by Joss Whedon)

Numb now

I made it. Encased everything for later. The life as it was ends, life as it will be does not interest me much since it won't be anything I wanted. But it will do. It has to, as always. I made my requests for it, this time i won't accept second best values: If I have to go that way I don't owe anyone anymore. They owe me now. Every single one. I won't be a bargain.

And then I see a darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice,
the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love,
for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive,
for life I won't let go
But sometimes this opposition,
comes rising up in me
This terrible imposition,
comes blacking through my mind

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll find peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And draw the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
That isn't all I see

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness
Will Oldham

What am i doing here?

I' m so sick off all this. Perhaps i should accept that i am arrogant. And ignorant. And that i always look for reasons that the others are guilty for whatever is bad in my life. Then, my life would be so much easier. I could start to act as ignorant hypocrat. How easy my life would be. And how senseless.

Enthusiasm?

All right, i am doing my best to settle everything the best way i can for all. But I certainly won't be showing much enthusiasm in doing so. Be happy that i do it. It's more than enough.

Blame me!

She says I'm one of those, who have to think now ("Ha! Those stupid men!"). About their role and their old fashioned views. About what happens when someone goes this oh-so-great and new path of complete change and enlightenment. And leaves me behind in my dark cave of not knowing anything about how great this new and completely different life ist.
Perhaps she will see in the end, that it is nothing unique, because it's always like this, when you're in love. You think, everything is different and all people who don't share these feelings are antiquated and stick to their habitous way of life while you fly to cloud nine.
Been there. Done that. Yeah, it's great for someone who is in the twenties, finding out that there is more than teenage fancying, that now there can arise this great feeling of depth, of bonding, of wanting to walk side by side with someone. In the thirties, there may be a moment when you remember how great this was and you want it again. But because you know that it's just selfish and irresponsible to just try to get your twenties back it's necessary to find some higher reason. Betrayal and just wanting some change and new adventures can't be reason enough to leave behind the responsibilities that have amassed during the years. But there's a reason why older cultures teach, that in every age you have to learn something, that you cannot learn in any other age.
How i come to think, that this walking-new-paths thing is just an excuse? Because for me, there's totally no difference who is this other one. Or what. See, it's used as the explanation for everything, used to impose yourself over me and used to elevate a darn, simple ego-trip to a revelation that i "can't understand" and so must tragically accept, that i can't be part of this new period of life.
To prevent me from any reasoning, she assumes a superstitious, dogmatic kind of gender related religion-like view of life that i'm "not capable to understand" - sorry, wrong gender.
As if gender has any big role in these issues of love and attraction. I am not the one who says one has to choose, which gender you love and which one automatically has never to be touched again. This is the same artificial restriction, just the other way round.
Sorry, but it seems, the one walking backwards with old fashioned views of what love is about is not me. I guess, when it's necessary to get backpadded for those poor excuses, when it's necessary to convince yourself to be on a holy trip instead just falling in love with someone else, there will be not this permanent change you want to believe in. That's the thing with mock-ups. They will never get solid but vanish one day, leaving you exactly where you were before.
So, in the end your way will just repeat itself. You will repeat yourself. What reason do you want to pretend next time? Better think about it soon, because the rerun will loose it's taste much faster.

Not funny

I guess one of the reasons why people do not talk to each other about their issues and differences but instead try to dominate the others, hurt them and get hurt by them is, that they most often begin to forget to solve the problem over their wish to win a fight. Could be that this is a bad case of falling back into their Cro Magnon consciousness. But it is more than failing. It is runnig back into the caves. It is forgetting the difference.

I do not easily talk

about feelings. About anger. About what and whom i love and hate. I don't like straightness in the terms of telling what i think. Because in subjects of love and hate it is not important for me what i think but what i feel.
What i think is something I can spread and discuss. What I feel is nothing i like to discuss. I don't want to analyze my feelings, I want to feel them. They are true for me as the feelings of everyone else are true for them. Noone will hear much of an answer from me, who tells me what she or he fells. I just believe it and I won't do any kind of analizing.
Lots of people make the mistake to believe that I am not open or that I hide my feelings. Be assured: I don't. Talking is just not the medium for showing my state of mood. It is everything else instead, so if you just stop focussing on my words you will understand me perfectly. Because I never hide my feelings.

Furious Angels

Like a sentence of death,
I got no options left,
I've got nothing to show now.

I'm down on the ground,
I've got seconds to live,
and you can't go now.

'Cause love, like invisible bullet shot me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.
They will bring back to me.

You're a dirty needle,
you're in my blood and there's no cure in me.
I wanna run, like the blood from a wound
to a place you can't see me.
'Cause love, like a blow to the head has left me stunned
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.

You're a cold piece of steel between my ribs
and there's no saving me.
And I can't get up,
from this wet crimson bed that you made for me.
That you made for me!
'Cause love like a knife in the back has cut me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding,
and if you go, angels will run to defend me, to defend me.

'Cause I can't get up, I'm as cold as a stone,
I can feel the life fade from me.
I'm down on the ground, I've got second to live,
and what's that waits for me, oh that waits for me!
'Cause like a sentence of death, left me stunned,
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling,
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me
(Rob Dougan)

You did the trick

I am walking in those ruins. But i am walking now. Not standing, staring at the place that for so long was this cheerful, inspiring home of my heart, so utterly and thoroughly destructed, shredded into smallest ribbles to make sure there will be no chance to rebuild it. Or to build something better out of it. My heart was the only part of me with a home for all those years. Now, i took it back, relentlessly, because what i give to someone will never be claimed back, whatsoever.
Thank you for realizing that there is no sense in leaving it in the dust, when somebody drops it. I will take it with me as i wander forth now and let it heal. We talked about it, that time has no meaning in matters that are not connected to material things. Or bodies.

The art of magic

is that it does not show. Too easy they will find delusions of grandeur in your words, if you expose yourself too easyly. No. Some things got to happen in secret. And the greatest deeds will better never be connected with the person, the actor himself. If you want to be a magician this may be your first lesson: Acting like a magician means just being aware of the things you are responsible for. Not talking about them all the time.

Enter at your own risk

Next year is on the doorstep. All right, i can't hold it back, so come in already. But don't think you will get anything from me. You may expect a lot from me, but i won't deliver this time. See, we all have our problems. Your predecessor fooled me, so it's up to you to prove, that it is worth to invest my time for your crap. Be seeing you.

What they don't tell you

There is no promise of a paradise in life. The only reward you may expect is to know that you've done the right thing. Only in movies a hero saves the day because he just has nothing else to do. Normal people just live their lives and when they become heroes they will be ripped out of their live and thrown into the new plot. There is only the choice to lose or to try to stick to your ideals. If you have nothing but your conscience it is your conscience you should trust. Then, perhaps, you will succeed in not losing yourself. But you may do so,perhaps, by losing your life.

Sweet child o'mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

(Guns'n'Roses)

It's just the smoke

I'm fine. Thanks. Don't worry about me, I will get along. It's ok, I'm quite comfortable with my situation. Please don't stop here: Nothing to see. Its just smoke, there never was a life here.

Free to wonder, free to roam

The sky is wide open, i would fly if i were you. So use your chance, use your luck and use your wings. You may be aware that your wings are not able to carry you. Physically it is impossible. But it is the faith, the freedom and the magical upwash that is your will to fly and your belief that you can do it, that will carry you into the air and to far places. I for myself will stay on the ground and walk. I will travel the slow, winding path that leads to a next spring. My curiosity is not big enough to feel an urge and I won't have the power to fly for some time, but it's ok. I don't care. Much.

When I am tired

everything becomes heavy and weary to do and move. I get slow and dumb. Sleep feels like falling into a deep black hole. Waking up like hitting the ground.

At this point

I visited my past yesterday. It didn't change much what makes me somewhat confident, because i seem to change faster than my environment. Everything was on the same places, walking by on the same streets, restaurants and shops filled with nameless people showed me, that i am for sure a stranger there for the people, but not for the city. It seemed to greet me in a quiet, knowing way.

The World is Stone

Stone, the world is stone
It's no trick of the light
It's hard on the soul

Stone, the world is stone
Cold to the touch
And hard on the soul
In the grey of the streets
In the neon unknown
I look for a sign
That I'm not on my own
That I'm not here alone

As the still of the night
And the choke of the air
And the winner's delight
And the loser's despair
Closes in left and right
I would love not to care

Stone, the world is stone
From a faraway look
Without stars in my eyes
Through the halls of the rich
And the flats of the poor
Wherever I go

There's no warmth anymore
There's no love anymore

So I turn on my heels
I'm declining the fall
I've had all I can take
With my back to the wall
Tell the world I'm not in
I'm not taking the call

Stone, the world is stone
But I saw it once
With the stars in my eyes
When each colour rang out
In a thunderous chrome
It's no trick of the light
I can't find my way home
In a world of stone

(Michel Berger, Luc Plamondon and Tim Rice)

Tired

Is it the month thats tiring me? I feel like drifting, floating. Not belonging anywhere. People fill places where i should be but i am not able to state a claim. If they not want me to be there, why should i force it? I need to be needed, otherwise there is no sense in even trying. I am exhausted, burned out, i'm falling in no specific direction. These days come an go, sure. But they come more often and they stay longer everytime. The space in between, when i am able to produce something, when i feel connected (well.. feeling loved is out of the list, since that is something i barely remember) are so hard to reach that when i do, i don't find the power to care for it.