Ain't that great

when you find out that you wasted years in numbness and fears about the material existence of yourself and those you love? When therefore you worked only for getting out of the shit? And by doing this, losing everything out of the focus, that you're living for, thats fun, thats lovable and that you're lovable for? And by losing this, losing all that you wanted to save by it, losing all that you thought you cared for in the first place?
In a way, it's releasing. It would be sad only, when this revelation wouldn't change anything. But i guess it already did.

Going down

You want to know, how it works? Ok, even when i don't know why you would want to go there, i will tell you.
First, have a bottle of wine. Don't make a celebration out of it. Just drink it.
Then, sit. Sit and slowly let the shadows come. They will sit in the corner, first they will look like cats. After a while, theywill grow bigger. Scarier. Theywill overlay the real world.
Then, you have to stand up and close your eyes: There, in front of you, will be the door. Walk through it an go all the way down, without stopping. If you stop, you will have failed and step out of the door again.
As i said, the last hundred steps will be in darkness. You will hear lots of things, people or worse. You will have to ignore them.
At last, there will be the door. Don't hesitate, just open it and step in. It will be a glaring light, you stand in. Just walk on, you're almost there. If the light becomes coldest an brightest you can stop. You're there. And unfortunately you will not come back, at least without a heavy headache, i guess.

I'll talk with him

He is waiting beneath all this. I step down the staircase and i know that the last hundret steps will be in complete darkness until i reach that door. I avoid it, but every now and then i have to go there, facing the ghosts of those who chose and fell. I never chose, thats why i'm still here. And i can cross the borders in every direction because i never chose. But i don't have a home for the same reason.
Even if i thought i could have it, i don't. I just had an illusion for some days. Or years. Doesn't matter how long. In terms of eons it never mattered.
This time i need to know something, i always thought i already knew. But it dit turn out to be a setup. I want to know how to get out of that trap. Perhaps they don't know how deep i can go to find answers. They will find out, eventually. Come on, ghosts. Lead me to your master.

A kiss on the neck

and a soft touch on the shoulder, I would give all for it.

I'm not interested

in the concept "guilt". I don't search for examples or any other evidence to prove anyone guilty. I think, everything that someone does has its effects - noone intends his actions to generally cause pain, so most of the time, even as unfortune as the effects may be, there is nothing and no one who is to be blamed, anyhow.
I would like you to understand that, perhaps you would understand, why i get angry, everytime you tell me, i only try to put all the guilt on you. I don't, but when guilt is such an important issue for you that someone just has to be guilty and this one has to be determined (what for? we could just solve the problems instead), and i don't accept being guilty, then you automatically think, i blame you instead. But thats your conclusion, and it's wrong. I don't blame me, and i don't blame you! You're not guilty as well, it's just normal, human behavior we discuss here, no one does things wrong or right, we do them different.
And i would like you to stop asking me what i think, when you in fact don't want to hear it. I could sleep better instead of having futile arguments all the night long in my dreams about this issue.

What do you want from me?

The last thing you wanted me to do is to go. I did even that. I don't know how i could prove to you that i don't demand anything from you. I'm not your parents. I don't need you to be other than how you are. Why do you always tell me what i'm thinking? Why do you want everyone to be as you want him? Especially when that is something, that you never would accept from anyone?
First, you wanted me to go. Now, you tell me, i don't talk enough with you. What the heck do you expect?

Tell me something

Let's sit in a park and talk. Or better: You talk. Tell me how your life has been all those years, tell me what you did, what you do now. Tell me what you want to do. Do you have plans? Dreams? Visions? I would like it so much, if you'd share some hours of your life to tell me some years of it. We would sit in the park, we would watch the clouds and drink a bottle of wine. Perhaps, then, we would agree, that we should do this more often. Perhaps once or twice a year.

My memories

are like Ruins, that become withered and grown with green and will fit beautiful into the landcape in some years, telling wanderers from glorious days gone. I can walk by now and then, resting my thoughts of today and smile, when i recognize a detail now and then.
I cannot understand people, who build parking lots on their memories.

Softly whispering in in my ear

when all is in turmoil, when the hand is shaking. When i want to forget everything, when it's all too complicated i need someone who talks to me about trees and clouds and birds. Someone who hums a song into my ear, cleaning out my brain.

Don't let it bring you down,
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

When i close my eyes

i see you. We just sit there, your head leans on mine. We don't need to talk. TIme stands still for us. It is enough to be just where we are and watch the world around us. Do you hear the music? It's the soundtrack of life. A silent piano blues, that drops by. I don't want to wake up. Hell, yes. I know that i'm dreaming. But nevertheless i don't want to wake up. But i will, eventually. And we part, promising each other that we will see us again, that we will find us again. Tomorrow night. Kiss you.

Like the wind

with no goal. Just drifting through time. Going where chance leads me, i'm flowing silent between dark narrow houses, floating around a corner now and then, spreading out into the open desert. Zooming away over mountains and clouds.
I don't know, where i go. I just don't want to stay.

Travel partner

When i travel, i seldomly travel with company. But there were days I often had a partner. We used to walk together, silent and with a fast step, noone could follow us. When we arrived, one checked the inn, the other checked the refreshments so that after minutes the room was booked and the beer stood on the table. I miss those days, when we left for weeks at night.
Today i make those journeys all alone. The streets and roads are very empty today, many of the inns abandoned. Many of the kingdoms are in a desolate state, it even seems to rain more often, as if to point out the weariness. As if it wants to spare me the view of a wide, but dreary landscape.

Tower of dreams

The wooden construction seemed to be stable, but at the same time it looked very much put together completely at random. Built with raw, thick planks it defied the conventions of physics, because it seemed to be endless high. I walked up for hours. I didn't get tired, though. I was not afraid, although the wind disheveled my hair and coat.
I just walked upwards. Step by step, stair by stair, ladder by ladder. Was there an end of this path? It didn't seem so. But it didn't matter either, i wasn't in a haste, i just knew that i had to go on, no matter how long. It was like a meditation. I was calm, firmly and continuosly climbing up and up, with no real goal and no real expectation. The harsh wind filled my ears and did the rest to cut me off from the world. I can walk forever like that. Perfectly at ease.

Hope vol. 2

Hope is beauty,
Personified,
At her feet, the world,
Hypnotized.

A million flashes,
A million smiles,
And on the catwalk,
She flats in style

But in this heart of darkness
Our hope lies lost and torn;
All flame like love is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Pain and glory,
Hand in hand,
A sacrifice,
The highest price;

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper she was gone...
Like when angels fall.

And in this heart of darkness
All hope lies on the floor;
All love like flame is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper, she was gone
Like an angel,
And Angels fall

(Apocalyptica)

it's your life

it's your life
it's your mind
choices that you make my love
it's my heart in your hands
keep it or just let it fall
another stone placed in my wall
(by Milla Jovovich, from It's Your Life)

Strong?

What's strong about running away? I hear it so often, that people break up because they think they can leave their problems with the other one. And it never works, because most of the problems they had with the other one were projections. They just tried to put everything unpleasant and annoying on the others account, what works to get the impression, that all the own failure and all of ones anger is his fault. That makes it easy to leave: who wants to live with such a jerk they make out of the other?
And then people call that "strong"...

Out of sync

There is this world running beside me. Everyone seems to be busy with plans and goals, they are determined to reach a point. A point where they see the meaning of their existence, be it banal or sophisticated. It's interesting, I seem to be completely out of the game right now. It's like standing on the side of a highway, where they drive in fullspeed, concentrate on not letting themselves distract. By someone, who had to leave the race, like me.
I don't have goals at this time. I live into the day. I see the others drive by, i don't try to stop one of them to ask for a lift. Why should I, he wouldn't be able to take me where i wanted to go, when I was in the race.

Grieve

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
(Peter Gabriel)

Anger management

I deleted every post i wrote about the case that upset me yesterday after finding out that noone really understood that i felt hurt by a self-imposing moron. I don't need explanations about how he meant or hadn't meant what he wrote. He lets others do this job, he doesn't go down on my level to answer my personally, so i can stop the discussion at this point, it's senseless to talk with his ground troops.
He always writes stupid things like that, pissing people off, he's a loose cannon and perhaps he will go for one of those schmocks who try to talk me into thinking, i was pissed on by him by my own fault and wonder why i don't seem to agree with it. They will not remember my claims then, but they will rant about being kicked in the back as well when it happens. I won't bother or even react. I can stay away from things like that and i can let them be happy with their self righteous attitude, assuring themselves and each other that they must have been right to prevent themselves from thinking about what i wrote, living in their world of good (them) and evil (everyone else).
I'm not even angry now, just a bit disappointed. It just does not make sense to me to go on with an argument with hysteric people who don't bother to read what i wrote but just answer to their simplified ideas of what i "really" meant.
One more reason for deleting the posts: Theres this person, that starts to troll at every single post i write, making it impossible to have a decent conversation. That's so boring and the times that i found it funny to play with people like her are long over. I'm too old for shit like this.

Coming Back To Life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
(David Gilmour)