In the end, I'm always me

I live with some reocurring image problems. A lot of people think, I adapt too much to others. That I forget to care for myself, because I focus on those I love. That my acts become too dependent of others. Well, in a certain way, that is true. And in a certain way, this surely has caused heavy problems in the past. The thing is: It's not the whole picture. I would not care that much, if I didn't want it that way. I'm very aware of my specific situation and I am selfish enough to stop caring, if i find out, that i'm just getting utilized. Funny enough, the same people then immediately begin to call me self-righeous, arrogant or egoistical.
In the end, I'm always me.

Today

I really miss her.

Strong

I Know You're Strong
I Know You Belong
I Know You Are Strong
My Beautiful One

(from "Strong" - Reamonn)

This World

is not mine. I feel stranger to it than ever.

As i said before

unconditional is the only way, when it comes to it. But i could have done without it coming so early and so hard.

Crazy for this girl

She rolls the window down
And she
Talks over the sound
Of the cars that pass us by
And I don't know why
But she's changed my mind

Would you look at her
As she looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now

Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life
With you

(Evan & Jaron)

Or for the better

Well, after some more thinking: Conditions are crap. I may have doubts sometimes, about how i may react or feel. After all, all of this thinking is forgotten, when it comes to it. Then, i am... well... unconditional again. And i guess, i really like it better that way.
So, away with all those doubts and thoughts! I would not love my friends, when they would not be exactly as they are.

Unconditional

After some thinking, i come to the conclusion that i do not want to love unconditionally. I have some conditions, for my own sake and sanity: There must be a common base. There must be a verbalized will to hold to the other one. I will not be able to keep together a relation all by myself, letting the other be the one who may doubt and hesitate all the time. Well, i could be able, but i don't want to. I lived through such a model for years - it does not work and did wear me out.
I need to be trusted, but I also want to be able trust my partner. I'm loyal, but i need loyalty. I want a love that stands time. I don't need kicks, either high or low. And if i can offer something, then it's stability: My love never ends.

The greatest thing

The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

What Am I To You?

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

(Norah Jones)

Why I am doing this to me?

Easy answer: Because I love. Love is worth everything, giving up is no option. But I refuse to stick to a preordained path. And all will happen as she said, if she does not change. All she changes is outwardness: Color of hair, arrangement of furniture. Inside she sticks with her habits that will just run in the same circles. If she does not feel the need to break out of this, I will need to break up. Because of love. I told her that i won't put pressure on this, but when i don't do it, she will not stay.

Tired

everything is so foggy and blurred. I'm tired and freezy. All that was warm and near is now far away. This must be the feeling, when you are left alone. I don't want this feeling to stay. I want you to stay.

Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realized my mistake

Yes I know

that when something goes wrong with people, it's not only one who makes all the mistakes. I know, that there are uncertainties that lead to bad misunderstandings when two people just met and try to find each other. I know, that it's not fair, that i seem not to be allowed to make mistakes while i have to accept all the mistakes of the other person. I know all this, but it does not change anything right now.
It just would make me even more uncertain than i am, if i would think about it. I would begin to think about, what it means to me, that the other gives up at the first mistake that i make. Even if it is a big one.

Change me damn it,

And if you can't, and if I can't change, i will make all my mistakes again and again. So, I'm the king of making things worse. But this time, perhaps, after making nearly all the same bunkum, i did before, i won't make the last mistake i did last time. I won't try to fix things i can only break more by trying. This time I will leave everything as it is right now, saving the good times in my heart and just sit back and be silent. The storm in my mind will be gone someday. The wounds will turn to scars that i may hide under a new garment. I will count to three and it will be over. Time heals all those wonders. And after just some more years, there will only be scars there, where the wonders have been.
Too high hopes, too ambitious goals to get happy. Perhaps i should just switch to a normal, uninteresting, safe life. Be happy with watching TV, working the day and turning grey.

I messed it all up

and everything is lost.

Very small

thats how i feel right now. I would like to stop reacting and begin to act. But there ist so much stuff on my agenda that i have to work out that i will not be able to have time for myself for months.

Traveling at safe speed

I try to be aware. It is important to listen to your inner voices now and then. To check the path you're on. Where does it lead you? Are you about to miss a junction? Are there signs which tell you about perils and troubles ahead that you should be prepared for?
I never was extreme, i did never take those pills or smoked so much of that stuff, that i can't smell it anyore without getting sick, as so many people do that i know. I did everything though - but later. When i was sure that i can head in whithout losing myself. I always did well with it and i guess, that this is the reason for myself being that stable. But sometimes, like now, i wish, i could forget all about this and just run off, get totally lost, fall into one of those pits, losing my mind for a while.

Hold your breath and count to ten

And fall apart and start again.

One way street

Everything that you've done in your life
Every experience, every thought, every moment
Has led to this, has led to now
Everything that happens is for a reason
Every success, every defeat, everything
Nothing is an accident.

(from 'All the fun of the fair' - Anthony Stewart Head)