Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread

These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

(from Annie Lennox, Why)

It tricked me

I'm not sure how much of the time is spend, how much of the money i earn and how of the work i do belong to my own life. But i can see, it's not much and it's getting lesser every day. Perhaps thats because a vacuum does not hold on and if i don't use my time, money or work for my own life, someone and something else will take the opportunity to rush in.
I feel tricked, though. By my belief in loyalty and friendship. I always thought, that being generous and loyal will be rewarding in the end. But contrary: It seems to result in more and higher demands, not in appreciation. See, i don't need much in exchanche. But i not only get nothing, i get mistrust, which is not fair. It hurts. And i fear i can never explain it, because when i get angry about it, there is not even the slightest sign of understanding about what really angers me.

Those crystal doors

Ivory coloured light promises a home long forgotten. Like a small window up there in the dark, i can remember, that it is a huge portal in real. Real, huh? Well, its the perspective i know. The way back is barred with time. the road is just clear enough to see to take the next step. I guess i could find a lantern, but why bother? I wouldn't see much of interest right now. The Way will still lead me just forward for a while. I never had a sense for time, that's what others mistake for patience. But right now, i'm getting tired of walking this line. Thats a sign, not an emotion.

Bored beyond belief

i put myself in this state of low level flowing, of flatness and greyness. It was necessary, i am overworked and had to take way too much hits and blows this summer to go on like that. But holding still is not recovering. Its just stopping getting worse. It is just preventing to break down completely. It is just holding the state of functioning.
I really would like it to get better. But i don't know how.

All of this past

Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here

The light is beautiful
But I'm darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I?ve tried and I?ve tried
But it?s taking me so long

I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
in time

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs
to me

(Sarah Bettens)

More and more virtual

I'm sleeping in right now. Theres nothing behind these walls that interests me. Theres noone outside myself i care much. It's cleansing. No disturbance and no hassle. The money i earn is reason enough to go to work. Afterwards, i come hoe, and stay there. If the doorbell rings, i open. But as long as it doesn't i won't search for company. I just stay at home and the world stays outside. This is a good placement of us two.

Then i kissed her

There is this parallel live, that went a bit different than i know it. There is a small cellar pub a friend of mine tried to establish a few years ago. This night i dreamt from that place again. Live seemed to have gone on there as well as here. My friend gave the pub to a lady i seem to know well there (but unfortunately never saw here) who has the same problems as he had before: no customers.
Tonight i visited my friends and the pub again, after years. And she was there, beautiful, strong and shiny: Long dark hair, brown eyes and with a deridingly, but warm smile. She was happy to see me and i was astonished by her presence. And so i decided in an instant, that i will follow my heart - dream or not - and did what i felt i had to. She came over to hug me as greeting and i embraced her softly and instead of touching her cheek with mine, i kissed her. And she kissed me. Minutes long. We talked for hours afterwards, holding each others hand (thats fortunately something you can do in dreams within just a few minutes). And then she said something odd: "You know, i don't know you outside of this. I wish i could find you.". Even in a dream, when you take everything as it is, i intantly knew that she knew, that i was dreaming. And i knew, that she was dreaming, too. My answer was: "Well, we should start to look out for each other. I will. Promise." - She smiled, kissed me and we started to share some tears. "I will try, too." she wispered in my ear. And "Please come back soon.".
I woke up. It is six hours later now and i feel like i was there tonight for real. I even can smell her, i know how she felt and i have the sound of her voice in my ear. I don't understand anything of this, was it a dream, another timeline, a kind of parallel universe? Another dimension or realm? Or just a very lively fantasy?
I only know that i had one wonderful kiss tonight, one i will not forget like i forget dreams.

Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

(Snow Patrol)

Yeah, i know

but who saves me, when it comes to it?

Not Going Anywhere

This is why I always wonder
I'm a pond full of regrets
I always try to not remember
rather than forget

This is why I always whisper
When vagabonds are passing by
I tend to keep myself
away from their goodbyes

Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

This is why I always whisper
I'm a river with a spell
I like to hear but not to listen,
I like to say but not to tell

This is why I always wonder
There's nothing new under the sun
I won't go anywhere
so give my love to everyone

Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

Keren Ann - Not Going Anywhere

I thought i'd get hard

but it is quite the contrary. Yes, i was angry, especially last year, and i thought, i would have to be more bitter, more determined, more egoistical and more ruthless in the future. But now, I find myself much more settled, much more centered and willing to let things happen, to let people be themselves, to be able to smile and just turn away, when somebody tries to provoke me.
Funny enough, I realize this much later now. It shows, when I see people, who act or react on me in long-established ways. I begin wondering about them, not finding another way, always starting the same repetitive discussions with all the same arguments. They seem to think, there is something to fight about and I realize, when they talk that way, that they are talking to someone completely different. Someone, who isn't me. If some day in the past I really were the person they are adressing, I am glad that I am someone else, now.

Healing

was fast, this time, compared to the last time. I understood better, what was going on and i think, i did lots of things right, that i did wrong the last time. I'm really fine right now. I got peace in my heart and my mind is at ease. Things are smoothly beginning to flow again, i made some music and got good friends to talk, to chat and to do interesting stuff with. I go out sometimes and i'm planning a vacation. Life is a warm breeze and everything that happened helped me to be myself.

Flatline

my spirit is still sleeping. No inspiration, I'm just hanging around. Waiting for some sun to come out.

Failed to use the day

I should not be alone, i guess. I didn't do anything. I just sat around or tried to make something inspirational. I played some piano but it were just some lame finger exercises. I tried to draw something but it looks like a beginners sketch.
At least, i did some sword practice. Perhaps that was good for my back.

Walking In The Air

We're walking in the air
We're floating in the moonlit sky
The people far below are sleeping as we fly

I'm holding very tight
I'm riding in the midnight blue
I'm finding I can fly so high above with you

Far across the wold
The villages go by like trees
the rivers and the hills
The forest and the streams

Children gaze open mouth
Taken by suprise
Nobody down below believes their eyes

We're surfing in the air
We're swimming in the frozen sky
We're drifting over icy
mountains floating by

Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep
Arousing of a mighty monster from its sleep

We're walking in the air
We're floating in the midnight sky
And everyone who sees us greets us as we fly

(Howard Blake)

About those songs

One habit in this notebook has become, that i put lyrics of those songs into it, that catch my attention. Sometimes just with one line or a single verse. It often relates to my actual mood, but not necessarily to my actual situation in life.

Oh Baby

The cracks in the ground grin up at me
Even the creases in my shoes smile up at me
Thought it would end in tragedy
But I'm swimming around in your glory

O Baby O maybe
I'm the lost and found

Look at the stars they're raining down
Even these jewels want to kiss your crown
Don't be afraid it's just your face
Has that effect on heavens' treasure case

O Baby O maybe
You're a paragon

I haven't felt this way before
Impossible to ask for more
Unanswered prayers that went before
Lie like leaves upon the floor

Hang all the world and universe
When I'm with you they always seem perverse
I'm in a state of weightlessness
When I inhale your angel breath

O Baby O maybe
I'm the lost and found

(Siouxie and the Banshees)

Some things need time

I seem to have spent all march and half of april in another world. Perhaps i still need some more time, because it still is hard to think about what happened and why. Perhaps this is my main fault, i always think that there must be a reason for the things that happen. But sometimes there are just circumstances that you can't fight.
One problem i am gnawling at is still there: I seem to have an issue with expectations. I'm asking myself, why i have the strong urge to deliver. Even when i know, they are too high or even when i know that i'm not able to escape the high pressure of circumstances, that just are against it. I should learn sometimes, that i can't satisfy everyone, and when i try to, that i will dissipate my energy into so many different topics and to so many persons that i will disappoint them all.
Then, at worst, they leave me.
It's my own fault, anyway, because in my urge to cope with the expectations, i'm giving the impression, that i am that great. That i am easily able to deliver. But i'm not. Perhaps, i should say that soon enough, next time.

When I'm good

I seem to be really good. I seem to have developed the ability to swiftly find the right attitude to handle most of the things, events, problems or persons i am surrounded with. I like that, and i'm really happy about the fact, that i am not the only one who sees that. I get a lot of feedback from people, whose thoughts about me are really important to me. I'm especially proud of her answer to my question about us being odd, after me having some very strange, irritating hostile arguments with people, whom i thought to mean well with me. She said, no. We are great. Right, we are.

Breeze

okay, that really was more than a breeze! It didn't get me anywhere high, but those were busy weeks. They helped me out of useless thoughts. Now, i would be happy about something nice just for me.