it's your life

it's your life
it's your mind
choices that you make my love
it's my heart in your hands
keep it or just let it fall
another stone placed in my wall
(by Milla Jovovich, from It's Your Life)

Strong?

What's strong about running away? I hear it so often, that people break up because they think they can leave their problems with the other one. And it never works, because most of the problems they had with the other one were projections. They just tried to put everything unpleasant and annoying on the others account, what works to get the impression, that all the own failure and all of ones anger is his fault. That makes it easy to leave: who wants to live with such a jerk they make out of the other?
And then people call that "strong"...

Out of sync

There is this world running beside me. Everyone seems to be busy with plans and goals, they are determined to reach a point. A point where they see the meaning of their existence, be it banal or sophisticated. It's interesting, I seem to be completely out of the game right now. It's like standing on the side of a highway, where they drive in fullspeed, concentrate on not letting themselves distract. By someone, who had to leave the race, like me.
I don't have goals at this time. I live into the day. I see the others drive by, i don't try to stop one of them to ask for a lift. Why should I, he wouldn't be able to take me where i wanted to go, when I was in the race.

Grieve

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
(Peter Gabriel)

Anger management

I deleted every post i wrote about the case that upset me yesterday after finding out that noone really understood that i felt hurt by a self-imposing moron. I don't need explanations about how he meant or hadn't meant what he wrote. He lets others do this job, he doesn't go down on my level to answer my personally, so i can stop the discussion at this point, it's senseless to talk with his ground troops.
He always writes stupid things like that, pissing people off, he's a loose cannon and perhaps he will go for one of those schmocks who try to talk me into thinking, i was pissed on by him by my own fault and wonder why i don't seem to agree with it. They will not remember my claims then, but they will rant about being kicked in the back as well when it happens. I won't bother or even react. I can stay away from things like that and i can let them be happy with their self righteous attitude, assuring themselves and each other that they must have been right to prevent themselves from thinking about what i wrote, living in their world of good (them) and evil (everyone else).
I'm not even angry now, just a bit disappointed. It just does not make sense to me to go on with an argument with hysteric people who don't bother to read what i wrote but just answer to their simplified ideas of what i "really" meant.
One more reason for deleting the posts: Theres this person, that starts to troll at every single post i write, making it impossible to have a decent conversation. That's so boring and the times that i found it funny to play with people like her are long over. I'm too old for shit like this.

Coming Back To Life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
(David Gilmour)

Last Time

It's just like the last time
The part where I try to deny
That she's already said goodbye
Time and time again I find that I'm
Lying quiet by her side
Wondering what she's got to hide
This time

I guess I'm just a pastime
Something to keep her occupied
'Til she decides to let it slide
And we both know she'll come back on the fly
And she'll pretend I've got my pride

But I don't understand why every time
I get ripped all up inside
Then I…give it one more try
So let this be the last time
Let this well of mine run dry
So I don't have to watch my cry
This time when she goes I'll be resigned

Let me shut the door behind her
Let me put her from my mind
Let my spirit grow unkind
Let her be the one to find
That I…give it one more try
Try it one more time
This will be the last time
That last time
The last time

(by Joss Whedon)

Numb now

I made it. Encased everything for later. The life as it was ends, life as it will be does not interest me much since it won't be anything I wanted. But it will do. It has to, as always. I made my requests for it, this time i won't accept second best values: If I have to go that way I don't owe anyone anymore. They owe me now. Every single one. I won't be a bargain.

And then I see a darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice,
the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love,
for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive,
for life I won't let go
But sometimes this opposition,
comes rising up in me
This terrible imposition,
comes blacking through my mind

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll find peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And draw the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
That isn't all I see

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness
Will Oldham

What am i doing here?

I' m so sick off all this. Perhaps i should accept that i am arrogant. And ignorant. And that i always look for reasons that the others are guilty for whatever is bad in my life. Then, my life would be so much easier. I could start to act as ignorant hypocrat. How easy my life would be. And how senseless.

Enthusiasm?

All right, i am doing my best to settle everything the best way i can for all. But I certainly won't be showing much enthusiasm in doing so. Be happy that i do it. It's more than enough.

Blame me!

She says I'm one of those, who have to think now ("Ha! Those stupid men!"). About their role and their old fashioned views. About what happens when someone goes this oh-so-great and new path of complete change and enlightenment. And leaves me behind in my dark cave of not knowing anything about how great this new and completely different life ist.
Perhaps she will see in the end, that it is nothing unique, because it's always like this, when you're in love. You think, everything is different and all people who don't share these feelings are antiquated and stick to their habitous way of life while you fly to cloud nine.
Been there. Done that. Yeah, it's great for someone who is in the twenties, finding out that there is more than teenage fancying, that now there can arise this great feeling of depth, of bonding, of wanting to walk side by side with someone. In the thirties, there may be a moment when you remember how great this was and you want it again. But because you know that it's just selfish and irresponsible to just try to get your twenties back it's necessary to find some higher reason. Betrayal and just wanting some change and new adventures can't be reason enough to leave behind the responsibilities that have amassed during the years. But there's a reason why older cultures teach, that in every age you have to learn something, that you cannot learn in any other age.
How i come to think, that this walking-new-paths thing is just an excuse? Because for me, there's totally no difference who is this other one. Or what. See, it's used as the explanation for everything, used to impose yourself over me and used to elevate a darn, simple ego-trip to a revelation that i "can't understand" and so must tragically accept, that i can't be part of this new period of life.
To prevent me from any reasoning, she assumes a superstitious, dogmatic kind of gender related religion-like view of life that i'm "not capable to understand" - sorry, wrong gender.
As if gender has any big role in these issues of love and attraction. I am not the one who says one has to choose, which gender you love and which one automatically has never to be touched again. This is the same artificial restriction, just the other way round.
Sorry, but it seems, the one walking backwards with old fashioned views of what love is about is not me. I guess, when it's necessary to get backpadded for those poor excuses, when it's necessary to convince yourself to be on a holy trip instead just falling in love with someone else, there will be not this permanent change you want to believe in. That's the thing with mock-ups. They will never get solid but vanish one day, leaving you exactly where you were before.
So, in the end your way will just repeat itself. You will repeat yourself. What reason do you want to pretend next time? Better think about it soon, because the rerun will loose it's taste much faster.

Not funny

I guess one of the reasons why people do not talk to each other about their issues and differences but instead try to dominate the others, hurt them and get hurt by them is, that they most often begin to forget to solve the problem over their wish to win a fight. Could be that this is a bad case of falling back into their Cro Magnon consciousness. But it is more than failing. It is runnig back into the caves. It is forgetting the difference.

I do not easily talk

about feelings. About anger. About what and whom i love and hate. I don't like straightness in the terms of telling what i think. Because in subjects of love and hate it is not important for me what i think but what i feel.
What i think is something I can spread and discuss. What I feel is nothing i like to discuss. I don't want to analyze my feelings, I want to feel them. They are true for me as the feelings of everyone else are true for them. Noone will hear much of an answer from me, who tells me what she or he fells. I just believe it and I won't do any kind of analizing.
Lots of people make the mistake to believe that I am not open or that I hide my feelings. Be assured: I don't. Talking is just not the medium for showing my state of mood. It is everything else instead, so if you just stop focussing on my words you will understand me perfectly. Because I never hide my feelings.

Furious Angels

Like a sentence of death,
I got no options left,
I've got nothing to show now.

I'm down on the ground,
I've got seconds to live,
and you can't go now.

'Cause love, like invisible bullet shot me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.
They will bring back to me.

You're a dirty needle,
you're in my blood and there's no cure in me.
I wanna run, like the blood from a wound
to a place you can't see me.
'Cause love, like a blow to the head has left me stunned
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.

You're a cold piece of steel between my ribs
and there's no saving me.
And I can't get up,
from this wet crimson bed that you made for me.
That you made for me!
'Cause love like a knife in the back has cut me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding,
and if you go, angels will run to defend me, to defend me.

'Cause I can't get up, I'm as cold as a stone,
I can feel the life fade from me.
I'm down on the ground, I've got second to live,
and what's that waits for me, oh that waits for me!
'Cause like a sentence of death, left me stunned,
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling,
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me
(Rob Dougan)

You did the trick

I am walking in those ruins. But i am walking now. Not standing, staring at the place that for so long was this cheerful, inspiring home of my heart, so utterly and thoroughly destructed, shredded into smallest ribbles to make sure there will be no chance to rebuild it. Or to build something better out of it. My heart was the only part of me with a home for all those years. Now, i took it back, relentlessly, because what i give to someone will never be claimed back, whatsoever.
Thank you for realizing that there is no sense in leaving it in the dust, when somebody drops it. I will take it with me as i wander forth now and let it heal. We talked about it, that time has no meaning in matters that are not connected to material things. Or bodies.

The art of magic

is that it does not show. Too easy they will find delusions of grandeur in your words, if you expose yourself too easyly. No. Some things got to happen in secret. And the greatest deeds will better never be connected with the person, the actor himself. If you want to be a magician this may be your first lesson: Acting like a magician means just being aware of the things you are responsible for. Not talking about them all the time.

Enter at your own risk

Next year is on the doorstep. All right, i can't hold it back, so come in already. But don't think you will get anything from me. You may expect a lot from me, but i won't deliver this time. See, we all have our problems. Your predecessor fooled me, so it's up to you to prove, that it is worth to invest my time for your crap. Be seeing you.

What they don't tell you

There is no promise of a paradise in life. The only reward you may expect is to know that you've done the right thing. Only in movies a hero saves the day because he just has nothing else to do. Normal people just live their lives and when they become heroes they will be ripped out of their live and thrown into the new plot. There is only the choice to lose or to try to stick to your ideals. If you have nothing but your conscience it is your conscience you should trust. Then, perhaps, you will succeed in not losing yourself. But you may do so,perhaps, by losing your life.

Sweet child o'mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

(Guns'n'Roses)