I will go down with this ship

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Dido, White Flag)

Experience

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

everything's not lost

When I counted up my demons,
Saw there was one for everyday.
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost,
I'llbe counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,
You could feel it all around.
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

Coldplay

The Same Old Sun

Tell me what to do
Now the light in my life is gone from me
Is it always the same
Is the night never ending

Tell me what to do
All the hopes and the dreams went wrong for me
There's a smile on my face
But I'm only pretending

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

The same old sun would shine in the morning
The same bright eyes would welcome me home
And the moon would rise way over my head
And get through the night alone

And the same old sun will shine in the morning
The same bright stars will welcome me home
And the clouds will rise way over my head
I'll get through the night on my own

Tell me what to do
Now there's nobody watching over me
If I seem to be calm
Well it's all an illusion
Tell me what to do
When the fear of the night comes over me
There's a smile on my face
Just to hide the confusion

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

The same old sun would shine in the morning
The same bright eyes would welcome me home
And the moon would rise way over my head
And get through the night alone

And the same old sun will shine in the morning
The same bright stars will welcome me home
And the clouds will rise way over my head
I'll get through the night on my own

Alan Parsons Project

Goals

better don't have some.

Ain't that great

when you find out that you wasted years in numbness and fears about the material existence of yourself and those you love? When therefore you worked only for getting out of the shit? And by doing this, losing everything out of the focus, that you're living for, thats fun, thats lovable and that you're lovable for? And by losing this, losing all that you wanted to save by it, losing all that you thought you cared for in the first place?
In a way, it's releasing. It would be sad only, when this revelation wouldn't change anything. But i guess it already did.

Going down

You want to know, how it works? Ok, even when i don't know why you would want to go there, i will tell you.
First, have a bottle of wine. Don't make a celebration out of it. Just drink it.
Then, sit. Sit and slowly let the shadows come. They will sit in the corner, first they will look like cats. After a while, theywill grow bigger. Scarier. Theywill overlay the real world.
Then, you have to stand up and close your eyes: There, in front of you, will be the door. Walk through it an go all the way down, without stopping. If you stop, you will have failed and step out of the door again.
As i said, the last hundred steps will be in darkness. You will hear lots of things, people or worse. You will have to ignore them.
At last, there will be the door. Don't hesitate, just open it and step in. It will be a glaring light, you stand in. Just walk on, you're almost there. If the light becomes coldest an brightest you can stop. You're there. And unfortunately you will not come back, at least without a heavy headache, i guess.

I'll talk with him

He is waiting beneath all this. I step down the staircase and i know that the last hundret steps will be in complete darkness until i reach that door. I avoid it, but every now and then i have to go there, facing the ghosts of those who chose and fell. I never chose, thats why i'm still here. And i can cross the borders in every direction because i never chose. But i don't have a home for the same reason.
Even if i thought i could have it, i don't. I just had an illusion for some days. Or years. Doesn't matter how long. In terms of eons it never mattered.
This time i need to know something, i always thought i already knew. But it dit turn out to be a setup. I want to know how to get out of that trap. Perhaps they don't know how deep i can go to find answers. They will find out, eventually. Come on, ghosts. Lead me to your master.

A kiss on the neck

and a soft touch on the shoulder, I would give all for it.

I'm not interested

in the concept "guilt". I don't search for examples or any other evidence to prove anyone guilty. I think, everything that someone does has its effects - noone intends his actions to generally cause pain, so most of the time, even as unfortune as the effects may be, there is nothing and no one who is to be blamed, anyhow.
I would like you to understand that, perhaps you would understand, why i get angry, everytime you tell me, i only try to put all the guilt on you. I don't, but when guilt is such an important issue for you that someone just has to be guilty and this one has to be determined (what for? we could just solve the problems instead), and i don't accept being guilty, then you automatically think, i blame you instead. But thats your conclusion, and it's wrong. I don't blame me, and i don't blame you! You're not guilty as well, it's just normal, human behavior we discuss here, no one does things wrong or right, we do them different.
And i would like you to stop asking me what i think, when you in fact don't want to hear it. I could sleep better instead of having futile arguments all the night long in my dreams about this issue.

What do you want from me?

The last thing you wanted me to do is to go. I did even that. I don't know how i could prove to you that i don't demand anything from you. I'm not your parents. I don't need you to be other than how you are. Why do you always tell me what i'm thinking? Why do you want everyone to be as you want him? Especially when that is something, that you never would accept from anyone?
First, you wanted me to go. Now, you tell me, i don't talk enough with you. What the heck do you expect?

Tell me something

Let's sit in a park and talk. Or better: You talk. Tell me how your life has been all those years, tell me what you did, what you do now. Tell me what you want to do. Do you have plans? Dreams? Visions? I would like it so much, if you'd share some hours of your life to tell me some years of it. We would sit in the park, we would watch the clouds and drink a bottle of wine. Perhaps, then, we would agree, that we should do this more often. Perhaps once or twice a year.

My memories

are like Ruins, that become withered and grown with green and will fit beautiful into the landcape in some years, telling wanderers from glorious days gone. I can walk by now and then, resting my thoughts of today and smile, when i recognize a detail now and then.
I cannot understand people, who build parking lots on their memories.

Softly whispering in in my ear

when all is in turmoil, when the hand is shaking. When i want to forget everything, when it's all too complicated i need someone who talks to me about trees and clouds and birds. Someone who hums a song into my ear, cleaning out my brain.

Don't let it bring you down,
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

When i close my eyes

i see you. We just sit there, your head leans on mine. We don't need to talk. TIme stands still for us. It is enough to be just where we are and watch the world around us. Do you hear the music? It's the soundtrack of life. A silent piano blues, that drops by. I don't want to wake up. Hell, yes. I know that i'm dreaming. But nevertheless i don't want to wake up. But i will, eventually. And we part, promising each other that we will see us again, that we will find us again. Tomorrow night. Kiss you.

Like the wind

with no goal. Just drifting through time. Going where chance leads me, i'm flowing silent between dark narrow houses, floating around a corner now and then, spreading out into the open desert. Zooming away over mountains and clouds.
I don't know, where i go. I just don't want to stay.

Travel partner

When i travel, i seldomly travel with company. But there were days I often had a partner. We used to walk together, silent and with a fast step, noone could follow us. When we arrived, one checked the inn, the other checked the refreshments so that after minutes the room was booked and the beer stood on the table. I miss those days, when we left for weeks at night.
Today i make those journeys all alone. The streets and roads are very empty today, many of the inns abandoned. Many of the kingdoms are in a desolate state, it even seems to rain more often, as if to point out the weariness. As if it wants to spare me the view of a wide, but dreary landscape.

Tower of dreams

The wooden construction seemed to be stable, but at the same time it looked very much put together completely at random. Built with raw, thick planks it defied the conventions of physics, because it seemed to be endless high. I walked up for hours. I didn't get tired, though. I was not afraid, although the wind disheveled my hair and coat.
I just walked upwards. Step by step, stair by stair, ladder by ladder. Was there an end of this path? It didn't seem so. But it didn't matter either, i wasn't in a haste, i just knew that i had to go on, no matter how long. It was like a meditation. I was calm, firmly and continuosly climbing up and up, with no real goal and no real expectation. The harsh wind filled my ears and did the rest to cut me off from the world. I can walk forever like that. Perfectly at ease.

Hope vol. 2

Hope is beauty,
Personified,
At her feet, the world,
Hypnotized.

A million flashes,
A million smiles,
And on the catwalk,
She flats in style

But in this heart of darkness
Our hope lies lost and torn;
All flame like love is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Pain and glory,
Hand in hand,
A sacrifice,
The highest price;

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper she was gone...
Like when angels fall.

And in this heart of darkness
All hope lies on the floor;
All love like flame is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper, she was gone
Like an angel,
And Angels fall

(Apocalyptica)

it's your life

it's your life
it's your mind
choices that you make my love
it's my heart in your hands
keep it or just let it fall
another stone placed in my wall
(by Milla Jovovich, from It's Your Life)