Fresh air

theres a light breeze coming up. Yes, i'm still sad and angry about what happened. Sad, because i am sure, that everything would have become better because it actually already went like that. Angry, because all that happened instead seemed so unnecessary. After all, i felt betrayed. Not by a person, but perhaps by fate and hopes.
But i'm about to collect my belongings and prepare to travel on. It feels like that, and it feels ok.

note to self

You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world

You'd better hope and pray
That you wake one day
In your own world

Time is running

in my head and heart it's still March, and i know that it is ridiculous to stick with that. And I'd like to go on. But something in me tells me, i can't because it is not finished yet. Not finished properly, it's not yet as it should be. My thoughts are coming back to this day again and again, asking and doubting and trying to get it, so that i could find a solution how to handle it, how to cope with it. Right now i'm getting more and more impatient, i really want to move on. I just can't find a direction.

El Condor Pasa

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

(Paul Simon)

Floating around

focusing on family and job. Ignoring some other needs, sometimes quite successfully, sometimes by force. Waiting for the winds of change. As long as nothing happens it does not get worse, so I'm quite calm those days. My cards don't let me know anything: They tell me to wait and play The Hanged Man. The Wheel shows up in the near future. Nice, but this card has a special meaning for me. It says, "You'll never know, what will happen!", so i won't even think about guessing.
I will just try to have a good time, hanging around.

Cellar Door

Need some change quick. The monsters are banging on the trap door again. Don't know why I fall back into those thoughts of self criticism or why I am questioning about what i am doing here every now and then. It never leads to a conclusion and i know that it doesn't help with anything. Perhaps it happens, when things are just not moving. When the wheel's not turning. So, go on, wheel, let's move, let's break on through! I'm so fed up with hanging around.

If you're not the one

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

(D. Bedingfield)

What do you want in live?

"What do you want in live?"
- "to bee free..."
"Simple"
- "No"

And i love you

and i like it
and i feel good
and i won't ask for anything
and you are a great person
and live is full of miracles
and live is full of sun

Forca

It is the passion flowing right on through your veins
And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came
It is the moment you remember you're alive
It is the air you breathe, the element, the fire
It is that flower that you took the time to smell
It is the power that you know you got as well
It is the fear inside that you can overcome
This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

It is the soundtrack of your ever-flowing life
It is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly
It is the beautiful game that you choose to play
When you step out into the world to start your day
You show your face and take it in and scream and pray
You're gonna win it for yourself and us today
It is the gold, the green, the yellow and the grey
The red and sweat and tears, the love you go. Hey!

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

Closer to the sky, closer, way up high, closer to the sky

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

(Nelly Furtado)

Oh. And yes,

I'm still searching for that purpose. My dreams tell me that. I tried to make a visit tonight. But when i stood at the door, i turned back. I know that even in my dreams that would be a bad idea.

Purpose

You should find a purpose in those things that happen. There is one, there should be one. And if you can't see one, you just have to look for it. If you don't find it, it will happen again and again. Or you will just not let it go and have to think about it again and again.
Some things don't seem to ahve a reason, no matter how hard you try to find one. Don't get cynical about it, then. Get creative. Find the good reason. Find the purpose that helps you out of the bad moods. Find the opportunity, that is given to you instead of the punchback. You will find it, we are made like that.

Secret World

One of my all time favourites, especially the live version.

I stood in this sunsheltered place
'Til I could see the face behind the face
All that had gone before had left no trace

Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
All the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

So I watch you wash your hair
Underwater, unaware
And the plane flies through the air
Did you think you didn't have to choose it
That I alone could win or lose it
In all the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

In this house of make believe
Divided in two, like Adam and Eve
You put out and I recieve

{Chorus:}
Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
In all the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

Oh the wheel is turning spinning round and round
And the house is crubling but the stairways stand

With no guilt and no shame, no sorrow or blame
Whatever it is, we are all the same

Making it up in our secret world [x3]
Shaking it up
Breaking it up
Making it up in our secret world

Seeing things that were not there
On a wing on a prayer
In this state of disrepair

[Chorus]

Shh, listen...
(Peter Gabriel)

After all

there is nothing to regret. I am not alone, I have my friends, and i have the ones, that understand me. I have the ones I love, and i have the ones who have loved me. I am truly blessed, and if i sometimes forget that, it will never be for long. In the end, i will always know, that you all will never do me wrong. I will always have faith in you. And if i sometimes haven't, i will remember very soon.

Time

Sometimes i get angry about myself. That i seem to have too much faith in others. But i don't want to change. I want to be treated differently: I want to be handled with some care. Do i make it too easy for them to switch me on when they need me and turn me off when they don't?

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign
 (Lonestar - Norah Jones)

Try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby

And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

(Nelly Furtado)

In the end, I'm always me

I live with some reocurring image problems. A lot of people think, I adapt too much to others. That I forget to care for myself, because I focus on those I love. That my acts become too dependent of others. Well, in a certain way, that is true. And in a certain way, this surely has caused heavy problems in the past. The thing is: It's not the whole picture. I would not care that much, if I didn't want it that way. I'm very aware of my specific situation and I am selfish enough to stop caring, if i find out, that i'm just getting utilized. Funny enough, the same people then immediately begin to call me self-righeous, arrogant or egoistical.
In the end, I'm always me.

Today

I really miss her.

Strong

I Know You're Strong
I Know You Belong
I Know You Are Strong
My Beautiful One

(from "Strong" - Reamonn)

This World

is not mine. I feel stranger to it than ever.