Pressure

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Chippin around
Kick my brains round the floor
These are the days
It never rains but it pours

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why? Love!

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure

(Mercury/Bowie)

What about the north?

well... He seems to be locked away. Guarded by an envious watchdog that kills every friendship or relation that it does not want him to have. But we have so much time, things will change after all...

No magicians left

Swlowly but surely there arises a vague cognition that we made a mistake. Or, didn't we? Was there really a choice?
There has been a big effort in the end of the last millennium to stop an unwanted new aeon, that could have taken control of nearly all the magic and its sources. Lots of magicians took part in this, nearly four dozens at the same time. With us, there were three times four of us on one place and even that was a hard ride. But the gates were freed, the signposts were put back on their old places, showing the right directions again. And then... something unexpected must have happened. Slowly the magic disappeared, the gates vanished and closed down. This itself was expected, because if something new is born it has to grow and needs time. Event the heavy losses in the headcount were expected. Lots of mages left the scene, some perhaps only for a while, but some more for the time being.
So, we successfully took part in a great spiritual struggle for the way, magic will evolve in this millennium. There are no artificial bindings left, no costly prices to pay anymore. That "new" kind of industrialised magic, that tried to be the only valid one for the upcoming thousand years, was defeated and unable to cross the gap. It was left behind in the old century and its role and masters will be forgotten soon for good.
But then, what causes, that some sources lie dried out and abandoned now? That only those few mages are left, who can work with their own sources, and that there are no others left. How didn't we realise that some of us were nailed down into stony prisons, that there appeared so many personal problems that we had to deal with and in the end hindered us to see, what was going on?
I met up with our east tonight. We know that our west holds still deliberately, he always knows better when not to breath and he already saw, that everything needs time to grow again and the sources need to fill up slowly - fife years is no time at all yet. But he realized some things, too, that perhaps need fixing and regulation. I for myself, being the south, should make the call - i won't wait too long for it. I don't mind time, i think that noone does care for time less than me. But the fact, that we met tonight on open space, will not go unnoticed. Whoever watches us, he saw us.

She loves horror movies

Yay! This seems to be my lucky week.

Somethings happening

I don't know, what, yet. But as far as i can tell, i like it.

Sometimes

there is this annoying fly. You ignore it, but it does not go away. It seems to set out to disturb you. It wants to be in your focus, even when that means, that this is only possible by getting on your nerves.
So you wave your hand to shoo it away. The result is the opposite of what you intended: It seems to be happy for the attention and gets even more obtrusive than before. Now, that is some kind of dilemma, because you might not want to hit it, because eventually it does not - it can not really harm you. Why should you harm it, then?
But what else is there you can do? Trying to talk a fly to stop nagging you is obviously not possible either (and i know that: I tried!). Any suggestions?

Home is not a place,

it is where your passion leads you. That might be right and i never regarded a place home just for being there. Very often i felt at home on places i visited just once in my life. Those places were far away, too. But i found a right mood, a right atmosphere there. I remember, that always, when i felt that way, i was there with the right person at the right time. Suddenly time froze around me, there was no fear, no problems, no thoughts about those people who get on my nerves just because they think of themselves to be so important for me.
Since some time now, this feeling didn't come back. Well, once or twice, of course, there were glimpses. Minutes of peace that i breathed in relentlessly, knowing, that this is a seldom moment of ease that i should hold in my memories. But to feel at home is more than this, its not about minutes or moments. Its about sleeping in, knowing that when i awake, everything will be as fine as it is now. That has not been the case for years now, so i can tell that i'm far from being at home.

On my way

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Sitting on my own not by myself
everybody's here with me
I don't need to touch your face to know
and I don't need to use my eyes to see

I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I always wake up the same?
And keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I even wake up again or something

Oh I'm on my way I know I am,
but times there were when I thought not
Bleeding half my soul in bad company,
I thank the moon i had the strength to stop

I'm not making love to anyone's wishes,
only for that light I see
cause when I'm dead and lowered low in my grave,
that's gonna be the only thing that's left of me

And if I make it to the waterside,
will I even find me a boat(or so)?
And if I make it to the waterside,
I'll be sure to write you not or something

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Oh life is like a maze of doors
and they all open from the side you're on
Just keep on pushing hard boy, try as you may
You're going to wind up where you started from
You're going to wind up where you started from

(Cat Stevens)

Crossroads

theres a forking on the way. seems like i have a choice to either go on the path i go since some years now or to enter uncharted lands. Don't need to throw a coin, i'm not a gambler. Even when in some time everyone will wonder again how lucky i got...

Time works fine

Sometimes i underestimate the power of time. But i learned, especially last year, how good "waiting" works. Its the basic for letting things go. I admit, that having patience is not easy for me, when it comes to topics of my life, where i strife for a change.
One of those topics i am getting impatient with is the one, where some people try to stick on embosomed behaviors, e.g. when they make up an issue with me, that is in actual fact an issue they got with themselves but refuse to solve it. They try to solve it, of course, but by making me the bugbear for it - they fight with me to avoid fighting with themselves. What cannot work out - and that it does not work out is clearly visible, because the situation stays the same for two years now. Two years, that i reduced the contact as far as i can, contrary to that i in reality would like to have a good contact (with at least one of those people - i am able to let the other one live on without interfering).
I dont like two things about that situation: First is of course what they do to me. They see something in me that i am not and they have such a strong belief in the image they impose on me that if i try to explain my thoughts, i get invidious, excessively angry replies.
Second, i feel hurt and helpless. To feel hurt (thats what they need me to be, because otherwise they wouldnt get me to react harsh and to affirm their image of me) is not funny, especially if i lose the confidence, that someday the situation could turn better. I have to recognize that it won't and that i am not able to do even the slightest to come back to a normal relationship. This is the helplessness i mentioned. I don't get over it. I can't.
But - to come back to the power of time again - i have to let go. As long as i am at their disposal to be their concept of the enemy they can shout at everithing they avoid to shout at themselves, nothing will change. So i will leave every corner and every field they go to. I won't argue any more. I won't follow the rules of the scapegoat. I will let time work it out. And even having decided that and having written that, i feel relieved. This is about time.

Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread

These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

(from Annie Lennox, Why)

It tricked me

I'm not sure how much of the time is spend, how much of the money i earn and how of the work i do belong to my own life. But i can see, it's not much and it's getting lesser every day. Perhaps thats because a vacuum does not hold on and if i don't use my time, money or work for my own life, someone and something else will take the opportunity to rush in.
I feel tricked, though. By my belief in loyalty and friendship. I always thought, that being generous and loyal will be rewarding in the end. But contrary: It seems to result in more and higher demands, not in appreciation. See, i don't need much in exchanche. But i not only get nothing, i get mistrust, which is not fair. It hurts. And i fear i can never explain it, because when i get angry about it, there is not even the slightest sign of understanding about what really angers me.

Those crystal doors

Ivory coloured light promises a home long forgotten. Like a small window up there in the dark, i can remember, that it is a huge portal in real. Real, huh? Well, its the perspective i know. The way back is barred with time. the road is just clear enough to see to take the next step. I guess i could find a lantern, but why bother? I wouldn't see much of interest right now. The Way will still lead me just forward for a while. I never had a sense for time, that's what others mistake for patience. But right now, i'm getting tired of walking this line. Thats a sign, not an emotion.

Bored beyond belief

i put myself in this state of low level flowing, of flatness and greyness. It was necessary, i am overworked and had to take way too much hits and blows this summer to go on like that. But holding still is not recovering. Its just stopping getting worse. It is just preventing to break down completely. It is just holding the state of functioning.
I really would like it to get better. But i don't know how.

All of this past

Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here

The light is beautiful
But I'm darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I?ve tried and I?ve tried
But it?s taking me so long

I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
in time

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs
to me

(Sarah Bettens)

More and more virtual

I'm sleeping in right now. Theres nothing behind these walls that interests me. Theres noone outside myself i care much. It's cleansing. No disturbance and no hassle. The money i earn is reason enough to go to work. Afterwards, i come hoe, and stay there. If the doorbell rings, i open. But as long as it doesn't i won't search for company. I just stay at home and the world stays outside. This is a good placement of us two.

Then i kissed her

There is this parallel live, that went a bit different than i know it. There is a small cellar pub a friend of mine tried to establish a few years ago. This night i dreamt from that place again. Live seemed to have gone on there as well as here. My friend gave the pub to a lady i seem to know well there (but unfortunately never saw here) who has the same problems as he had before: no customers.
Tonight i visited my friends and the pub again, after years. And she was there, beautiful, strong and shiny: Long dark hair, brown eyes and with a deridingly, but warm smile. She was happy to see me and i was astonished by her presence. And so i decided in an instant, that i will follow my heart - dream or not - and did what i felt i had to. She came over to hug me as greeting and i embraced her softly and instead of touching her cheek with mine, i kissed her. And she kissed me. Minutes long. We talked for hours afterwards, holding each others hand (thats fortunately something you can do in dreams within just a few minutes). And then she said something odd: "You know, i don't know you outside of this. I wish i could find you.". Even in a dream, when you take everything as it is, i intantly knew that she knew, that i was dreaming. And i knew, that she was dreaming, too. My answer was: "Well, we should start to look out for each other. I will. Promise." - She smiled, kissed me and we started to share some tears. "I will try, too." she wispered in my ear. And "Please come back soon.".
I woke up. It is six hours later now and i feel like i was there tonight for real. I even can smell her, i know how she felt and i have the sound of her voice in my ear. I don't understand anything of this, was it a dream, another timeline, a kind of parallel universe? Another dimension or realm? Or just a very lively fantasy?
I only know that i had one wonderful kiss tonight, one i will not forget like i forget dreams.

Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

(Snow Patrol)

Yeah, i know

but who saves me, when it comes to it?

Not Going Anywhere

This is why I always wonder
I'm a pond full of regrets
I always try to not remember
rather than forget

This is why I always whisper
When vagabonds are passing by
I tend to keep myself
away from their goodbyes

Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

This is why I always whisper
I'm a river with a spell
I like to hear but not to listen,
I like to say but not to tell

This is why I always wonder
There's nothing new under the sun
I won't go anywhere
so give my love to everyone

Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

Keren Ann - Not Going Anywhere