Having put my hat on

leads to some issues. Well knows issues, though. But getting used to them doesn't make them less difficult to cope with. One of them is that i can't save time. When a destination needs some weeks to reach, it will take some weeks. Even when i travel half the distance in just two days. Something will stop me, slow me down, need my attention so thoroughly that i will need much more time for the other half. That's quite ok afterwards. I will get there in the end, i will need the time i estimated. But it's an annoying situation that way. If it were otherwise, if i needed some time to get started and then it would become easyer and faster day by day, i would be much happier with it. But, as we know very well by now, this is not about me being happy.

You're in?

Speed is a funny concept. Sometimes you think, everything runs, changes, transcends in no time and it's hard to catch up, hardly having the time to understand what happens anyway.
Otherwise, there are times where the urge to change at least something becomes overwhelming. When days, months or years just seem to go by without giving meaning or progress.
If you look back then, a lot of the times where nothing seemed to happen were those with the most important lessons. And on the other hand the times you ran all around and started all those different projects, met all those people, seemed to love and hate more intensively than ever, didn't create anything sustainable, didn't enhance anything, didn't enlighten you at all (but perhaps a lot of those other people).
Don't underestimate the importance of just gathering. If you're sitting on a train there is no need to think about track and direction. You are on the way to the right destination anyway and trains have this really great advantage that usually you don't have to worry about getting there save and in time. So, there is a lot of time to watch who travels with you. You have a lot of time to read good books, to think about so much things that doesn't have one bit to do with the trains path or destination.
Traveling by train needs some time though. Perhaps you could get there much faster by plane or car, but now that you sit in the coach, you don't need to think about alternate ways. It's senseless to consider, if there would have been a better place to go, the train won't change tracks anyway.
So, my advice for trainrides is: Look who travels with you, have talks, get acquainted, prepare and sharpen your sword, relax, have a coffee and a good meal. If you arrive you will have to work, to fight, to run, to be present. Travel time is preparing and learning. Find out what you have to be capable of when you arrive. Expect the best and prepare for the worst.

One may blame me

One may blame me to be broken, when all that is valid should better be saved. I don't care about, if something matters because what matters now is forgotten tomorrow.
I stopped fighting to drown. It's a lie that you die. I breathed the water right in and travel behind the courtains since then. Under the surface. They don't get far by swimming, because most of the strength, most of the effort, is spent holding the head above the waves.

There's no such thing as a shortcut. Cuts go deep. Always.

Coat on

I'm not sure how long i slept, because i am not too familiar with the concept of time. I just closed my eyes for a moment. Just a brief blink to rest. To forget some burdenous thoughts that come with matter.
It was no replenishing, just a slight timeout. Of course without stopping the time around me - see how tired i was. But i gained enough distance and i can start walking again. Wandering again. You won't notice me though, as you didn't the time before i went to sleep.
So nothing changed. As far as i can see it. I am back and you won't see the difference. As you didn't see any without me walking here for some years - your time.

Two things unusual

First: To post something not relating directly with me.
Second: To link to someone else.
Pauley saw her future (bad word, but it points to the right direction) self.

If

you can't speak with me, i don't know why you think i would read what you write to me.

I won't back down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down

Tom Petty

What i am doing right now

is having faith. I am not pushing things. I just know, that there are things slowly falling into place. I do not see the picture yet, but this time i will play along. Iam completely calm. Of course i have my wishes and expectations and sometimes i get impatient. But then i am out of the flow and it is better to just smoke a shisha amd watch a movie instead of follow the urge to hurry. Weeks have passed now and i am sure, months will pass until i really can say, where all this will get me. And in the end i will achieve what i really want. To know that however i must follow the winding road. I will walk that path calmly and remain conscious.

Tired beyond belief

i would like to sleep for some weeks and wake up without headache and with a fresh and clean brain. I don't argue anymore, no matter what. I'm fed up with it. I'm more than fed up with it, i just have the urge to throw up and rather to go blind and deaf instantly, to run as long as i can until i'm anywhere where noone and nothing bothers me, than even have to see or hear another word of all those people and topics that drained me for months. Or years. I get mobbed in my dayjob, i get used as scapegoat in my private life, i get robbed and spied on by the country i live in. Everyone seems to mistrust me, not seeing, that they just can't let me be as i am. I don't want to be what they want me to be. I think, that what i am is something, that can be liked and appreciated as well, or even more.

You can change lots of things

but as soon as god is involved in change, it will hurt.
Don't trust the angels. Angels are like politicians. They have this agenda.

Turning the tide

When everything you do, has nothing to do with what you want to do, when everything you are is only an empty shell that everyone else uses for their projections and when everything you feel is only usable for just getting over this day, you know that there has something to be changed.
I'm at that state for months now, i found myself there some time ago. It's like walking against the waves and as soon as i hold still i will be flooded back. But it's too hard to go forward. So, i decided to turn the tide. I don't know, how to do it, yet. But i will begin to find that out from today on.

Pressure

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Chippin around
Kick my brains round the floor
These are the days
It never rains but it pours

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why? Love!

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure

(Mercury/Bowie)

What about the north?

well... He seems to be locked away. Guarded by an envious watchdog that kills every friendship or relation that it does not want him to have. But we have so much time, things will change after all...

No magicians left

Swlowly but surely there arises a vague cognition that we made a mistake. Or, didn't we? Was there really a choice?
There has been a big effort in the end of the last millennium to stop an unwanted new aeon, that could have taken control of nearly all the magic and its sources. Lots of magicians took part in this, nearly four dozens at the same time. With us, there were three times four of us on one place and even that was a hard ride. But the gates were freed, the signposts were put back on their old places, showing the right directions again. And then... something unexpected must have happened. Slowly the magic disappeared, the gates vanished and closed down. This itself was expected, because if something new is born it has to grow and needs time. Event the heavy losses in the headcount were expected. Lots of mages left the scene, some perhaps only for a while, but some more for the time being.
So, we successfully took part in a great spiritual struggle for the way, magic will evolve in this millennium. There are no artificial bindings left, no costly prices to pay anymore. That "new" kind of industrialised magic, that tried to be the only valid one for the upcoming thousand years, was defeated and unable to cross the gap. It was left behind in the old century and its role and masters will be forgotten soon for good.
But then, what causes, that some sources lie dried out and abandoned now? That only those few mages are left, who can work with their own sources, and that there are no others left. How didn't we realise that some of us were nailed down into stony prisons, that there appeared so many personal problems that we had to deal with and in the end hindered us to see, what was going on?
I met up with our east tonight. We know that our west holds still deliberately, he always knows better when not to breath and he already saw, that everything needs time to grow again and the sources need to fill up slowly - fife years is no time at all yet. But he realized some things, too, that perhaps need fixing and regulation. I for myself, being the south, should make the call - i won't wait too long for it. I don't mind time, i think that noone does care for time less than me. But the fact, that we met tonight on open space, will not go unnoticed. Whoever watches us, he saw us.

She loves horror movies

Yay! This seems to be my lucky week.

Somethings happening

I don't know, what, yet. But as far as i can tell, i like it.

Sometimes

there is this annoying fly. You ignore it, but it does not go away. It seems to set out to disturb you. It wants to be in your focus, even when that means, that this is only possible by getting on your nerves.
So you wave your hand to shoo it away. The result is the opposite of what you intended: It seems to be happy for the attention and gets even more obtrusive than before. Now, that is some kind of dilemma, because you might not want to hit it, because eventually it does not - it can not really harm you. Why should you harm it, then?
But what else is there you can do? Trying to talk a fly to stop nagging you is obviously not possible either (and i know that: I tried!). Any suggestions?

Home is not a place,

it is where your passion leads you. That might be right and i never regarded a place home just for being there. Very often i felt at home on places i visited just once in my life. Those places were far away, too. But i found a right mood, a right atmosphere there. I remember, that always, when i felt that way, i was there with the right person at the right time. Suddenly time froze around me, there was no fear, no problems, no thoughts about those people who get on my nerves just because they think of themselves to be so important for me.
Since some time now, this feeling didn't come back. Well, once or twice, of course, there were glimpses. Minutes of peace that i breathed in relentlessly, knowing, that this is a seldom moment of ease that i should hold in my memories. But to feel at home is more than this, its not about minutes or moments. Its about sleeping in, knowing that when i awake, everything will be as fine as it is now. That has not been the case for years now, so i can tell that i'm far from being at home.

On my way

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Sitting on my own not by myself
everybody's here with me
I don't need to touch your face to know
and I don't need to use my eyes to see

I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I always wake up the same?
And keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I even wake up again or something

Oh I'm on my way I know I am,
but times there were when I thought not
Bleeding half my soul in bad company,
I thank the moon i had the strength to stop

I'm not making love to anyone's wishes,
only for that light I see
cause when I'm dead and lowered low in my grave,
that's gonna be the only thing that's left of me

And if I make it to the waterside,
will I even find me a boat(or so)?
And if I make it to the waterside,
I'll be sure to write you not or something

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Oh life is like a maze of doors
and they all open from the side you're on
Just keep on pushing hard boy, try as you may
You're going to wind up where you started from
You're going to wind up where you started from

(Cat Stevens)