when you find out that you wasted years in numbness and fears about the material existence of yourself and those you love? When therefore you worked only for getting out of the shit? And by doing this, losing everything out of the focus, that you're living for, thats fun, thats lovable and that you're lovable for? And by losing this, losing all that you wanted to save by it, losing all that you thought you cared for in the first place?
In a way, it's releasing. It would be sad only, when this revelation wouldn't change anything. But i guess it already did.
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Going down
You want to know, how it works? Ok, even when i don't know why you would want to go there, i will tell you.
First, have a bottle of wine. Don't make a celebration out of it. Just drink it.
Then, sit. Sit and slowly let the shadows come. They will sit in the corner, first they will look like cats. After a while, theywill grow bigger. Scarier. Theywill overlay the real world.
Then, you have to stand up and close your eyes: There, in front of you, will be the door. Walk through it an go all the way down, without stopping. If you stop, you will have failed and step out of the door again.
As i said, the last hundred steps will be in darkness. You will hear lots of things, people or worse. You will have to ignore them.
At last, there will be the door. Don't hesitate, just open it and step in. It will be a glaring light, you stand in. Just walk on, you're almost there. If the light becomes coldest an brightest you can stop. You're there. And unfortunately you will not come back, at least without a heavy headache, i guess.
First, have a bottle of wine. Don't make a celebration out of it. Just drink it.
Then, sit. Sit and slowly let the shadows come. They will sit in the corner, first they will look like cats. After a while, theywill grow bigger. Scarier. Theywill overlay the real world.
Then, you have to stand up and close your eyes: There, in front of you, will be the door. Walk through it an go all the way down, without stopping. If you stop, you will have failed and step out of the door again.
As i said, the last hundred steps will be in darkness. You will hear lots of things, people or worse. You will have to ignore them.
At last, there will be the door. Don't hesitate, just open it and step in. It will be a glaring light, you stand in. Just walk on, you're almost there. If the light becomes coldest an brightest you can stop. You're there. And unfortunately you will not come back, at least without a heavy headache, i guess.
I'll talk with him
He is waiting beneath all this. I step down the staircase and i know that the last hundret steps will be in complete darkness until i reach that door. I avoid it, but every now and then i have to go there, facing the ghosts of those who chose and fell. I never chose, thats why i'm still here. And i can cross the borders in every direction because i never chose. But i don't have a home for the same reason.
Even if i thought i could have it, i don't. I just had an illusion for some days. Or years. Doesn't matter how long. In terms of eons it never mattered.
This time i need to know something, i always thought i already knew. But it dit turn out to be a setup. I want to know how to get out of that trap. Perhaps they don't know how deep i can go to find answers. They will find out, eventually. Come on, ghosts. Lead me to your master.
Even if i thought i could have it, i don't. I just had an illusion for some days. Or years. Doesn't matter how long. In terms of eons it never mattered.
This time i need to know something, i always thought i already knew. But it dit turn out to be a setup. I want to know how to get out of that trap. Perhaps they don't know how deep i can go to find answers. They will find out, eventually. Come on, ghosts. Lead me to your master.
Friday, August 01, 2003
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