Sometimes

there is this annoying fly. You ignore it, but it does not go away. It seems to set out to disturb you. It wants to be in your focus, even when that means, that this is only possible by getting on your nerves.
So you wave your hand to shoo it away. The result is the opposite of what you intended: It seems to be happy for the attention and gets even more obtrusive than before. Now, that is some kind of dilemma, because you might not want to hit it, because eventually it does not - it can not really harm you. Why should you harm it, then?
But what else is there you can do? Trying to talk a fly to stop nagging you is obviously not possible either (and i know that: I tried!). Any suggestions?

Home is not a place,

it is where your passion leads you. That might be right and i never regarded a place home just for being there. Very often i felt at home on places i visited just once in my life. Those places were far away, too. But i found a right mood, a right atmosphere there. I remember, that always, when i felt that way, i was there with the right person at the right time. Suddenly time froze around me, there was no fear, no problems, no thoughts about those people who get on my nerves just because they think of themselves to be so important for me.
Since some time now, this feeling didn't come back. Well, once or twice, of course, there were glimpses. Minutes of peace that i breathed in relentlessly, knowing, that this is a seldom moment of ease that i should hold in my memories. But to feel at home is more than this, its not about minutes or moments. Its about sleeping in, knowing that when i awake, everything will be as fine as it is now. That has not been the case for years now, so i can tell that i'm far from being at home.

On my way

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Sitting on my own not by myself
everybody's here with me
I don't need to touch your face to know
and I don't need to use my eyes to see

I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I always wake up the same?
And keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I even wake up again or something

Oh I'm on my way I know I am,
but times there were when I thought not
Bleeding half my soul in bad company,
I thank the moon i had the strength to stop

I'm not making love to anyone's wishes,
only for that light I see
cause when I'm dead and lowered low in my grave,
that's gonna be the only thing that's left of me

And if I make it to the waterside,
will I even find me a boat(or so)?
And if I make it to the waterside,
I'll be sure to write you not or something

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Oh life is like a maze of doors
and they all open from the side you're on
Just keep on pushing hard boy, try as you may
You're going to wind up where you started from
You're going to wind up where you started from

(Cat Stevens)

Crossroads

theres a forking on the way. seems like i have a choice to either go on the path i go since some years now or to enter uncharted lands. Don't need to throw a coin, i'm not a gambler. Even when in some time everyone will wonder again how lucky i got...

Time works fine

Sometimes i underestimate the power of time. But i learned, especially last year, how good "waiting" works. Its the basic for letting things go. I admit, that having patience is not easy for me, when it comes to topics of my life, where i strife for a change.
One of those topics i am getting impatient with is the one, where some people try to stick on embosomed behaviors, e.g. when they make up an issue with me, that is in actual fact an issue they got with themselves but refuse to solve it. They try to solve it, of course, but by making me the bugbear for it - they fight with me to avoid fighting with themselves. What cannot work out - and that it does not work out is clearly visible, because the situation stays the same for two years now. Two years, that i reduced the contact as far as i can, contrary to that i in reality would like to have a good contact (with at least one of those people - i am able to let the other one live on without interfering).
I dont like two things about that situation: First is of course what they do to me. They see something in me that i am not and they have such a strong belief in the image they impose on me that if i try to explain my thoughts, i get invidious, excessively angry replies.
Second, i feel hurt and helpless. To feel hurt (thats what they need me to be, because otherwise they wouldnt get me to react harsh and to affirm their image of me) is not funny, especially if i lose the confidence, that someday the situation could turn better. I have to recognize that it won't and that i am not able to do even the slightest to come back to a normal relationship. This is the helplessness i mentioned. I don't get over it. I can't.
But - to come back to the power of time again - i have to let go. As long as i am at their disposal to be their concept of the enemy they can shout at everithing they avoid to shout at themselves, nothing will change. So i will leave every corner and every field they go to. I won't argue any more. I won't follow the rules of the scapegoat. I will let time work it out. And even having decided that and having written that, i feel relieved. This is about time.