It tricked me

I'm not sure how much of the time is spend, how much of the money i earn and how of the work i do belong to my own life. But i can see, it's not much and it's getting lesser every day. Perhaps thats because a vacuum does not hold on and if i don't use my time, money or work for my own life, someone and something else will take the opportunity to rush in.
I feel tricked, though. By my belief in loyalty and friendship. I always thought, that being generous and loyal will be rewarding in the end. But contrary: It seems to result in more and higher demands, not in appreciation. See, i don't need much in exchanche. But i not only get nothing, i get mistrust, which is not fair. It hurts. And i fear i can never explain it, because when i get angry about it, there is not even the slightest sign of understanding about what really angers me.

Those crystal doors

Ivory coloured light promises a home long forgotten. Like a small window up there in the dark, i can remember, that it is a huge portal in real. Real, huh? Well, its the perspective i know. The way back is barred with time. the road is just clear enough to see to take the next step. I guess i could find a lantern, but why bother? I wouldn't see much of interest right now. The Way will still lead me just forward for a while. I never had a sense for time, that's what others mistake for patience. But right now, i'm getting tired of walking this line. Thats a sign, not an emotion.

Bored beyond belief

i put myself in this state of low level flowing, of flatness and greyness. It was necessary, i am overworked and had to take way too much hits and blows this summer to go on like that. But holding still is not recovering. Its just stopping getting worse. It is just preventing to break down completely. It is just holding the state of functioning.
I really would like it to get better. But i don't know how.

All of this past

Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here

The light is beautiful
But I'm darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I?ve tried and I?ve tried
But it?s taking me so long

I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
in time

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs
to me

(Sarah Bettens)

More and more virtual

I'm sleeping in right now. Theres nothing behind these walls that interests me. Theres noone outside myself i care much. It's cleansing. No disturbance and no hassle. The money i earn is reason enough to go to work. Afterwards, i come hoe, and stay there. If the doorbell rings, i open. But as long as it doesn't i won't search for company. I just stay at home and the world stays outside. This is a good placement of us two.

Then i kissed her

There is this parallel live, that went a bit different than i know it. There is a small cellar pub a friend of mine tried to establish a few years ago. This night i dreamt from that place again. Live seemed to have gone on there as well as here. My friend gave the pub to a lady i seem to know well there (but unfortunately never saw here) who has the same problems as he had before: no customers.
Tonight i visited my friends and the pub again, after years. And she was there, beautiful, strong and shiny: Long dark hair, brown eyes and with a deridingly, but warm smile. She was happy to see me and i was astonished by her presence. And so i decided in an instant, that i will follow my heart - dream or not - and did what i felt i had to. She came over to hug me as greeting and i embraced her softly and instead of touching her cheek with mine, i kissed her. And she kissed me. Minutes long. We talked for hours afterwards, holding each others hand (thats fortunately something you can do in dreams within just a few minutes). And then she said something odd: "You know, i don't know you outside of this. I wish i could find you.". Even in a dream, when you take everything as it is, i intantly knew that she knew, that i was dreaming. And i knew, that she was dreaming, too. My answer was: "Well, we should start to look out for each other. I will. Promise." - She smiled, kissed me and we started to share some tears. "I will try, too." she wispered in my ear. And "Please come back soon.".
I woke up. It is six hours later now and i feel like i was there tonight for real. I even can smell her, i know how she felt and i have the sound of her voice in my ear. I don't understand anything of this, was it a dream, another timeline, a kind of parallel universe? Another dimension or realm? Or just a very lively fantasy?
I only know that i had one wonderful kiss tonight, one i will not forget like i forget dreams.

Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

(Snow Patrol)

Yeah, i know

but who saves me, when it comes to it?

Not Going Anywhere

This is why I always wonder
I'm a pond full of regrets
I always try to not remember
rather than forget

This is why I always whisper
When vagabonds are passing by
I tend to keep myself
away from their goodbyes

Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

This is why I always whisper
I'm a river with a spell
I like to hear but not to listen,
I like to say but not to tell

This is why I always wonder
There's nothing new under the sun
I won't go anywhere
so give my love to everyone

Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere

Keren Ann - Not Going Anywhere

I thought i'd get hard

but it is quite the contrary. Yes, i was angry, especially last year, and i thought, i would have to be more bitter, more determined, more egoistical and more ruthless in the future. But now, I find myself much more settled, much more centered and willing to let things happen, to let people be themselves, to be able to smile and just turn away, when somebody tries to provoke me.
Funny enough, I realize this much later now. It shows, when I see people, who act or react on me in long-established ways. I begin wondering about them, not finding another way, always starting the same repetitive discussions with all the same arguments. They seem to think, there is something to fight about and I realize, when they talk that way, that they are talking to someone completely different. Someone, who isn't me. If some day in the past I really were the person they are adressing, I am glad that I am someone else, now.

Healing

was fast, this time, compared to the last time. I understood better, what was going on and i think, i did lots of things right, that i did wrong the last time. I'm really fine right now. I got peace in my heart and my mind is at ease. Things are smoothly beginning to flow again, i made some music and got good friends to talk, to chat and to do interesting stuff with. I go out sometimes and i'm planning a vacation. Life is a warm breeze and everything that happened helped me to be myself.

Flatline

my spirit is still sleeping. No inspiration, I'm just hanging around. Waiting for some sun to come out.

Failed to use the day

I should not be alone, i guess. I didn't do anything. I just sat around or tried to make something inspirational. I played some piano but it were just some lame finger exercises. I tried to draw something but it looks like a beginners sketch.
At least, i did some sword practice. Perhaps that was good for my back.

Walking In The Air

We're walking in the air
We're floating in the moonlit sky
The people far below are sleeping as we fly

I'm holding very tight
I'm riding in the midnight blue
I'm finding I can fly so high above with you

Far across the wold
The villages go by like trees
the rivers and the hills
The forest and the streams

Children gaze open mouth
Taken by suprise
Nobody down below believes their eyes

We're surfing in the air
We're swimming in the frozen sky
We're drifting over icy
mountains floating by

Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep
Arousing of a mighty monster from its sleep

We're walking in the air
We're floating in the midnight sky
And everyone who sees us greets us as we fly

(Howard Blake)

About those songs

One habit in this notebook has become, that i put lyrics of those songs into it, that catch my attention. Sometimes just with one line or a single verse. It often relates to my actual mood, but not necessarily to my actual situation in life.

Oh Baby

The cracks in the ground grin up at me
Even the creases in my shoes smile up at me
Thought it would end in tragedy
But I'm swimming around in your glory

O Baby O maybe
I'm the lost and found

Look at the stars they're raining down
Even these jewels want to kiss your crown
Don't be afraid it's just your face
Has that effect on heavens' treasure case

O Baby O maybe
You're a paragon

I haven't felt this way before
Impossible to ask for more
Unanswered prayers that went before
Lie like leaves upon the floor

Hang all the world and universe
When I'm with you they always seem perverse
I'm in a state of weightlessness
When I inhale your angel breath

O Baby O maybe
I'm the lost and found

(Siouxie and the Banshees)

Some things need time

I seem to have spent all march and half of april in another world. Perhaps i still need some more time, because it still is hard to think about what happened and why. Perhaps this is my main fault, i always think that there must be a reason for the things that happen. But sometimes there are just circumstances that you can't fight.
One problem i am gnawling at is still there: I seem to have an issue with expectations. I'm asking myself, why i have the strong urge to deliver. Even when i know, they are too high or even when i know that i'm not able to escape the high pressure of circumstances, that just are against it. I should learn sometimes, that i can't satisfy everyone, and when i try to, that i will dissipate my energy into so many different topics and to so many persons that i will disappoint them all.
Then, at worst, they leave me.
It's my own fault, anyway, because in my urge to cope with the expectations, i'm giving the impression, that i am that great. That i am easily able to deliver. But i'm not. Perhaps, i should say that soon enough, next time.

When I'm good

I seem to be really good. I seem to have developed the ability to swiftly find the right attitude to handle most of the things, events, problems or persons i am surrounded with. I like that, and i'm really happy about the fact, that i am not the only one who sees that. I get a lot of feedback from people, whose thoughts about me are really important to me. I'm especially proud of her answer to my question about us being odd, after me having some very strange, irritating hostile arguments with people, whom i thought to mean well with me. She said, no. We are great. Right, we are.

Breeze

okay, that really was more than a breeze! It didn't get me anywhere high, but those were busy weeks. They helped me out of useless thoughts. Now, i would be happy about something nice just for me.

Fresh air

theres a light breeze coming up. Yes, i'm still sad and angry about what happened. Sad, because i am sure, that everything would have become better because it actually already went like that. Angry, because all that happened instead seemed so unnecessary. After all, i felt betrayed. Not by a person, but perhaps by fate and hopes.
But i'm about to collect my belongings and prepare to travel on. It feels like that, and it feels ok.

note to self

You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world

You'd better hope and pray
That you wake one day
In your own world

Time is running

in my head and heart it's still March, and i know that it is ridiculous to stick with that. And I'd like to go on. But something in me tells me, i can't because it is not finished yet. Not finished properly, it's not yet as it should be. My thoughts are coming back to this day again and again, asking and doubting and trying to get it, so that i could find a solution how to handle it, how to cope with it. Right now i'm getting more and more impatient, i really want to move on. I just can't find a direction.

El Condor Pasa

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

(Paul Simon)

Floating around

focusing on family and job. Ignoring some other needs, sometimes quite successfully, sometimes by force. Waiting for the winds of change. As long as nothing happens it does not get worse, so I'm quite calm those days. My cards don't let me know anything: They tell me to wait and play The Hanged Man. The Wheel shows up in the near future. Nice, but this card has a special meaning for me. It says, "You'll never know, what will happen!", so i won't even think about guessing.
I will just try to have a good time, hanging around.

Cellar Door

Need some change quick. The monsters are banging on the trap door again. Don't know why I fall back into those thoughts of self criticism or why I am questioning about what i am doing here every now and then. It never leads to a conclusion and i know that it doesn't help with anything. Perhaps it happens, when things are just not moving. When the wheel's not turning. So, go on, wheel, let's move, let's break on through! I'm so fed up with hanging around.

If you're not the one

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

(D. Bedingfield)

What do you want in live?

"What do you want in live?"
- "to bee free..."
"Simple"
- "No"

And i love you

and i like it
and i feel good
and i won't ask for anything
and you are a great person
and live is full of miracles
and live is full of sun

Forca

It is the passion flowing right on through your veins
And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came
It is the moment you remember you're alive
It is the air you breathe, the element, the fire
It is that flower that you took the time to smell
It is the power that you know you got as well
It is the fear inside that you can overcome
This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

It is the soundtrack of your ever-flowing life
It is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly
It is the beautiful game that you choose to play
When you step out into the world to start your day
You show your face and take it in and scream and pray
You're gonna win it for yourself and us today
It is the gold, the green, the yellow and the grey
The red and sweat and tears, the love you go. Hey!

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

Closer to the sky, closer, way up high, closer to the sky

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

(Nelly Furtado)

Oh. And yes,

I'm still searching for that purpose. My dreams tell me that. I tried to make a visit tonight. But when i stood at the door, i turned back. I know that even in my dreams that would be a bad idea.

Purpose

You should find a purpose in those things that happen. There is one, there should be one. And if you can't see one, you just have to look for it. If you don't find it, it will happen again and again. Or you will just not let it go and have to think about it again and again.
Some things don't seem to ahve a reason, no matter how hard you try to find one. Don't get cynical about it, then. Get creative. Find the good reason. Find the purpose that helps you out of the bad moods. Find the opportunity, that is given to you instead of the punchback. You will find it, we are made like that.

Secret World

One of my all time favourites, especially the live version.

I stood in this sunsheltered place
'Til I could see the face behind the face
All that had gone before had left no trace

Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
All the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

So I watch you wash your hair
Underwater, unaware
And the plane flies through the air
Did you think you didn't have to choose it
That I alone could win or lose it
In all the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

In this house of make believe
Divided in two, like Adam and Eve
You put out and I recieve

{Chorus:}
Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
In all the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

Oh the wheel is turning spinning round and round
And the house is crubling but the stairways stand

With no guilt and no shame, no sorrow or blame
Whatever it is, we are all the same

Making it up in our secret world [x3]
Shaking it up
Breaking it up
Making it up in our secret world

Seeing things that were not there
On a wing on a prayer
In this state of disrepair

[Chorus]

Shh, listen...
(Peter Gabriel)

After all

there is nothing to regret. I am not alone, I have my friends, and i have the ones, that understand me. I have the ones I love, and i have the ones who have loved me. I am truly blessed, and if i sometimes forget that, it will never be for long. In the end, i will always know, that you all will never do me wrong. I will always have faith in you. And if i sometimes haven't, i will remember very soon.

Time

Sometimes i get angry about myself. That i seem to have too much faith in others. But i don't want to change. I want to be treated differently: I want to be handled with some care. Do i make it too easy for them to switch me on when they need me and turn me off when they don't?

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign
 (Lonestar - Norah Jones)

Try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby

And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

(Nelly Furtado)

In the end, I'm always me

I live with some reocurring image problems. A lot of people think, I adapt too much to others. That I forget to care for myself, because I focus on those I love. That my acts become too dependent of others. Well, in a certain way, that is true. And in a certain way, this surely has caused heavy problems in the past. The thing is: It's not the whole picture. I would not care that much, if I didn't want it that way. I'm very aware of my specific situation and I am selfish enough to stop caring, if i find out, that i'm just getting utilized. Funny enough, the same people then immediately begin to call me self-righeous, arrogant or egoistical.
In the end, I'm always me.

Today

I really miss her.

Strong

I Know You're Strong
I Know You Belong
I Know You Are Strong
My Beautiful One

(from "Strong" - Reamonn)

This World

is not mine. I feel stranger to it than ever.

As i said before

unconditional is the only way, when it comes to it. But i could have done without it coming so early and so hard.

Crazy for this girl

She rolls the window down
And she
Talks over the sound
Of the cars that pass us by
And I don't know why
But she's changed my mind

Would you look at her
As she looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now

Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life
With you

(Evan & Jaron)

Or for the better

Well, after some more thinking: Conditions are crap. I may have doubts sometimes, about how i may react or feel. After all, all of this thinking is forgotten, when it comes to it. Then, i am... well... unconditional again. And i guess, i really like it better that way.
So, away with all those doubts and thoughts! I would not love my friends, when they would not be exactly as they are.

Unconditional

After some thinking, i come to the conclusion that i do not want to love unconditionally. I have some conditions, for my own sake and sanity: There must be a common base. There must be a verbalized will to hold to the other one. I will not be able to keep together a relation all by myself, letting the other be the one who may doubt and hesitate all the time. Well, i could be able, but i don't want to. I lived through such a model for years - it does not work and did wear me out.
I need to be trusted, but I also want to be able trust my partner. I'm loyal, but i need loyalty. I want a love that stands time. I don't need kicks, either high or low. And if i can offer something, then it's stability: My love never ends.

The greatest thing

The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

What Am I To You?

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

(Norah Jones)

Why I am doing this to me?

Easy answer: Because I love. Love is worth everything, giving up is no option. But I refuse to stick to a preordained path. And all will happen as she said, if she does not change. All she changes is outwardness: Color of hair, arrangement of furniture. Inside she sticks with her habits that will just run in the same circles. If she does not feel the need to break out of this, I will need to break up. Because of love. I told her that i won't put pressure on this, but when i don't do it, she will not stay.

Tired

everything is so foggy and blurred. I'm tired and freezy. All that was warm and near is now far away. This must be the feeling, when you are left alone. I don't want this feeling to stay. I want you to stay.

Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realized my mistake

Yes I know

that when something goes wrong with people, it's not only one who makes all the mistakes. I know, that there are uncertainties that lead to bad misunderstandings when two people just met and try to find each other. I know, that it's not fair, that i seem not to be allowed to make mistakes while i have to accept all the mistakes of the other person. I know all this, but it does not change anything right now.
It just would make me even more uncertain than i am, if i would think about it. I would begin to think about, what it means to me, that the other gives up at the first mistake that i make. Even if it is a big one.

Change me damn it,

And if you can't, and if I can't change, i will make all my mistakes again and again. So, I'm the king of making things worse. But this time, perhaps, after making nearly all the same bunkum, i did before, i won't make the last mistake i did last time. I won't try to fix things i can only break more by trying. This time I will leave everything as it is right now, saving the good times in my heart and just sit back and be silent. The storm in my mind will be gone someday. The wounds will turn to scars that i may hide under a new garment. I will count to three and it will be over. Time heals all those wonders. And after just some more years, there will only be scars there, where the wonders have been.
Too high hopes, too ambitious goals to get happy. Perhaps i should just switch to a normal, uninteresting, safe life. Be happy with watching TV, working the day and turning grey.

I messed it all up

and everything is lost.

Very small

thats how i feel right now. I would like to stop reacting and begin to act. But there ist so much stuff on my agenda that i have to work out that i will not be able to have time for myself for months.

Traveling at safe speed

I try to be aware. It is important to listen to your inner voices now and then. To check the path you're on. Where does it lead you? Are you about to miss a junction? Are there signs which tell you about perils and troubles ahead that you should be prepared for?
I never was extreme, i did never take those pills or smoked so much of that stuff, that i can't smell it anyore without getting sick, as so many people do that i know. I did everything though - but later. When i was sure that i can head in whithout losing myself. I always did well with it and i guess, that this is the reason for myself being that stable. But sometimes, like now, i wish, i could forget all about this and just run off, get totally lost, fall into one of those pits, losing my mind for a while.

Hold your breath and count to ten

And fall apart and start again.

One way street

Everything that you've done in your life
Every experience, every thought, every moment
Has led to this, has led to now
Everything that happens is for a reason
Every success, every defeat, everything
Nothing is an accident.

(from 'All the fun of the fair' - Anthony Stewart Head)