there is this moment in which the fear of moving breaks and the clouds vanish and the sky glows bright and glittering, giving sight to the land before me that i even was afraid to look at. But there it is in all its beauty, suddenly visible in the moment i just took one step forward.
It is the same instant that i realize that i was stuck, walled in, frozen. For nearly one year i must have stood here actually and didn't even know that. I really thought i was moving, but now i see that that just was not true. Not true at all. I held onto a status quo. I wanted a comfortable and safe position to hold on forever. Which is impossible. When i stop moving, everything will fall apart in the end. It's not my nature to settle down and every time i try to i either destroy everything or i nearly do.
Today i nearly did. I should be sorry and apologize, but i apologized and was sorry again and again for a long time now. It won't help. Moving helps. Getting myself on path helps. Letting my fears and my jealousy go helps. Breaking my chains helps.
Even just to begin moving again helps. Helps big time.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Those shadows
haunt me. Again?
I am not entirely myself right now. I'm even jelaous. That's something i admit. And i'm put back. That's something i have to cope with because i can't do anything to change that for good. I tried. Big mistake: It made me even weaker. The alternative is to let go, but that's no option at all of course. She loves me and i love her. Despite all of my troubles with it this does not need to be touched.
But since we know that both, it makes me powerless. I don't have a trade or treat. I just need some little more time. Not much really, only a small fraction more of her time. But thats impossible right now. There's a difference between love and interest. She loves me. But her interests lie somewhere else. Somewhere where she does not want me to be, on something she does not want to share with me.
I liked the freedom in our connection. Now I'm feeling lonely. Perhaps this time of lonelyness is the price to pay for the freedom. I will pay it as long as i can, i don't have a real choice. I just hope that there will come other times again before i'm broke. She told me so. I want to believe her.
Is there something wrong with summers?
I am not entirely myself right now. I'm even jelaous. That's something i admit. And i'm put back. That's something i have to cope with because i can't do anything to change that for good. I tried. Big mistake: It made me even weaker. The alternative is to let go, but that's no option at all of course. She loves me and i love her. Despite all of my troubles with it this does not need to be touched.
But since we know that both, it makes me powerless. I don't have a trade or treat. I just need some little more time. Not much really, only a small fraction more of her time. But thats impossible right now. There's a difference between love and interest. She loves me. But her interests lie somewhere else. Somewhere where she does not want me to be, on something she does not want to share with me.
I liked the freedom in our connection. Now I'm feeling lonely. Perhaps this time of lonelyness is the price to pay for the freedom. I will pay it as long as i can, i don't have a real choice. I just hope that there will come other times again before i'm broke. She told me so. I want to believe her.
Is there something wrong with summers?
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