Furious Angels

Like a sentence of death,
I got no options left,
I've got nothing to show now.

I'm down on the ground,
I've got seconds to live,
and you can't go now.

'Cause love, like invisible bullet shot me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.
They will bring back to me.

You're a dirty needle,
you're in my blood and there's no cure in me.
I wanna run, like the blood from a wound
to a place you can't see me.
'Cause love, like a blow to the head has left me stunned
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.

You're a cold piece of steel between my ribs
and there's no saving me.
And I can't get up,
from this wet crimson bed that you made for me.
That you made for me!
'Cause love like a knife in the back has cut me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding,
and if you go, angels will run to defend me, to defend me.

'Cause I can't get up, I'm as cold as a stone,
I can feel the life fade from me.
I'm down on the ground, I've got second to live,
and what's that waits for me, oh that waits for me!
'Cause like a sentence of death, left me stunned,
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling,
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me
(Rob Dougan)

You did the trick

I am walking in those ruins. But i am walking now. Not standing, staring at the place that for so long was this cheerful, inspiring home of my heart, so utterly and thoroughly destructed, shredded into smallest ribbles to make sure there will be no chance to rebuild it. Or to build something better out of it. My heart was the only part of me with a home for all those years. Now, i took it back, relentlessly, because what i give to someone will never be claimed back, whatsoever.
Thank you for realizing that there is no sense in leaving it in the dust, when somebody drops it. I will take it with me as i wander forth now and let it heal. We talked about it, that time has no meaning in matters that are not connected to material things. Or bodies.

The art of magic

is that it does not show. Too easy they will find delusions of grandeur in your words, if you expose yourself too easyly. No. Some things got to happen in secret. And the greatest deeds will better never be connected with the person, the actor himself. If you want to be a magician this may be your first lesson: Acting like a magician means just being aware of the things you are responsible for. Not talking about them all the time.

Enter at your own risk

Next year is on the doorstep. All right, i can't hold it back, so come in already. But don't think you will get anything from me. You may expect a lot from me, but i won't deliver this time. See, we all have our problems. Your predecessor fooled me, so it's up to you to prove, that it is worth to invest my time for your crap. Be seeing you.

What they don't tell you

There is no promise of a paradise in life. The only reward you may expect is to know that you've done the right thing. Only in movies a hero saves the day because he just has nothing else to do. Normal people just live their lives and when they become heroes they will be ripped out of their live and thrown into the new plot. There is only the choice to lose or to try to stick to your ideals. If you have nothing but your conscience it is your conscience you should trust. Then, perhaps, you will succeed in not losing yourself. But you may do so,perhaps, by losing your life.

Sweet child o'mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

(Guns'n'Roses)

It's just the smoke

I'm fine. Thanks. Don't worry about me, I will get along. It's ok, I'm quite comfortable with my situation. Please don't stop here: Nothing to see. Its just smoke, there never was a life here.

Free to wonder, free to roam

The sky is wide open, i would fly if i were you. So use your chance, use your luck and use your wings. You may be aware that your wings are not able to carry you. Physically it is impossible. But it is the faith, the freedom and the magical upwash that is your will to fly and your belief that you can do it, that will carry you into the air and to far places. I for myself will stay on the ground and walk. I will travel the slow, winding path that leads to a next spring. My curiosity is not big enough to feel an urge and I won't have the power to fly for some time, but it's ok. I don't care. Much.

When I am tired

everything becomes heavy and weary to do and move. I get slow and dumb. Sleep feels like falling into a deep black hole. Waking up like hitting the ground.

At this point

I visited my past yesterday. It didn't change much what makes me somewhat confident, because i seem to change faster than my environment. Everything was on the same places, walking by on the same streets, restaurants and shops filled with nameless people showed me, that i am for sure a stranger there for the people, but not for the city. It seemed to greet me in a quiet, knowing way.

The World is Stone

Stone, the world is stone
It's no trick of the light
It's hard on the soul

Stone, the world is stone
Cold to the touch
And hard on the soul
In the grey of the streets
In the neon unknown
I look for a sign
That I'm not on my own
That I'm not here alone

As the still of the night
And the choke of the air
And the winner's delight
And the loser's despair
Closes in left and right
I would love not to care

Stone, the world is stone
From a faraway look
Without stars in my eyes
Through the halls of the rich
And the flats of the poor
Wherever I go

There's no warmth anymore
There's no love anymore

So I turn on my heels
I'm declining the fall
I've had all I can take
With my back to the wall
Tell the world I'm not in
I'm not taking the call

Stone, the world is stone
But I saw it once
With the stars in my eyes
When each colour rang out
In a thunderous chrome
It's no trick of the light
I can't find my way home
In a world of stone

(Michel Berger, Luc Plamondon and Tim Rice)

Tired

Is it the month thats tiring me? I feel like drifting, floating. Not belonging anywhere. People fill places where i should be but i am not able to state a claim. If they not want me to be there, why should i force it? I need to be needed, otherwise there is no sense in even trying. I am exhausted, burned out, i'm falling in no specific direction. These days come an go, sure. But they come more often and they stay longer everytime. The space in between, when i am able to produce something, when i feel connected (well.. feeling loved is out of the list, since that is something i barely remember) are so hard to reach that when i do, i don't find the power to care for it.

10 things I hate about you

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry

I hate it that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don ' t hate you
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even any at all.
(The whole script here)

Getting disconnected

Working with magic makes you able to control your environment. You will do so, at the beginning. After some time you will find that there is always a price to pay. Are you ready to pay it? I tell you one of those prices: It is getting disconnected from everything exciting. You begin to avoid surprises, because they don't fit into an image of someone having everything under control. Sure you have, but then, isn't this only so because you have more distance to things? This distance will be a gap someday, the people around you cannot cross anymore to reach you. So please take care to save yourself the ability to wonder, to get surprised, to get angry and in rage. It will help you to remain connected.

Don't give me songs

Give me something to sing about
I need something to sing about

Life's a song you don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse

Still, my friends
don't know why I ignore
The million things or more
I should be dancing for

All the joy
life sends
Family
and friends
All the twists
and bends
knowing that
it ends
Well, that depends
On if they let you go
On if they know enough to know
that when you've bowed
You leave the crowd

There was no pain
No fear, no doubt
Till they pulled me out of heaven

So that's my refrain
I live in hell
'Cause I've been expelled from heaven
I think I was in heaven

So give me something to sing about
Please give me something...

(from "Life's a show" out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Ep 6-07)

Did i say sparks?

I'm out of them, now. Whew, this was fast. Perhaps it's been the mistake in the first place to search for grace.
Hey! Isn't freedom great? I don't know. Humans use their freedom like they use the rest of their environment: Without any respect or responsibility. They are so gifted and they abuse it, rape it, fuck around with it and say "Hey! You are so dumb to give it to us! Look, we can waste you with it, now! And we do, because we are free to do it!". Gettin' kicked and trampled by all those free people who do this just because they can does not make much sense to me either. I am not too sure, who will win in the end: my patience or their freedom. Either way, it won't be very pleasant for 'em. But then, they will complain, how wrong everything went and if they only had known. Hey! I told you! It was you who does not listen!

Sparks and small lights

If you see one, go for it. Why should you look for hope, relief, forgiveness if you are not ready to commit into it when you finally seem to find it? Don't try to determine, if it's a trick. if it is, it will show soon enough, if it's not, you would have passed the moment. It will be harder to find another chance than to deal with a disappointment. If you had some trouble already, some more is no big deal really. Knowing that you missed the turning of the tide can make you abandon all further hope. Don't do that.

If you are suicidal

don't try to speak with me: I could understand your point.
Am i burned out? Yet?

Forgetting who i am...

i'm not sure, if all these crap happens because i lost myself in a life, i'm not really fitting into. I hoped for more flexibility, more possibilities to participate in change, in the flow of things and my life seemed to give me all the tools i needed for it. But now i sit here wondering why i can't move at all. As soon as i try to everything seems to implode, to barr me from my goal. What was my goal again? I thought i knew it, i seem to have forgotten it in the mists of being a civilized human.

Too sunny to feel bad

Blue sky and bright sun in autumn. If you feel depressed or sick or tired, go outside. For a walk or a short trip. I do.