Can't tell

What is it that i try to be open to everyone, but can't find out what's really behind all this mess i'm always getting myself in? I am good in saving people. Really good. It's some family thing, i found out the last days. I was save in my family, and it was like paradise, my childhood. But now, i feel like cast out, like thrown out of eden, and i remember how it was when everyone cared. But it's gone for bad, theres no family left, only individuals.
Kind of funny, as i think of it, my affinity to the phantom stranger is fitting like a glove. He did not choose sides, when there was war, and now he doesn't belong to anyone. Even if there are people who like him, he is a stranger to them. Am i a stranger? Only for caring?

Where an when

It seems we stood and talked like this, before
We looked at each other in the same way then
But I can't remember
where or when

The clothes you're wearing are the clothes you wore
The smile you are smiling you were smiling then
But I can't remember
where or when


Some things that happened
for the first time
Seem to be happening again
And so it seems that
we have met before
And that we laughed before,
also loved before
But who knows where or when

(Rogers and Hart)

Create your world

after a while, the ruins were covered with leafes, with moss and the fine sparkling dew of the morning. It looks beautiful and invites me to visit it now and then. Ha, here must be the place where we laughed out of a kiss because the grass tickled and it wasn't so romantic to make love in the wilderness after all. And that wasthe room we used way to less. Perhaps it would have changed everything...
Ruins are a beautiful thing. I never would flatten the place to build a new castle on the same ground. I would just leave it be and come back to remember the good times now and then.

There it was

I felt it. First it was like back then. But after a while i realized, it was different. It was a feeling of contempt. Of wholeness and of being at ease with everything, even with all that went bad. Nothing was washed away, it wasn't as if nothing happened and everything went to the start, as i assumed it would be and what would be unacceptable for me.
No, everything stays where it is. But my view to it was calm. I don't need to throw anything away to make place for something else to replace it. I liked that idea. I just open the door to new rooms inside me. empty rooms, with white walls and nothing in it but the light shining in through those high windows. With all my experience i can keep and use, i will not rush in. I will move over with very little luggage and i will keep the old place, because the soul has endless space.

I will go down with this ship

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Dido, White Flag)

Experience

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

everything's not lost

When I counted up my demons,
Saw there was one for everyday.
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost,
I'llbe counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,
You could feel it all around.
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

Coldplay

The Same Old Sun

Tell me what to do
Now the light in my life is gone from me
Is it always the same
Is the night never ending

Tell me what to do
All the hopes and the dreams went wrong for me
There's a smile on my face
But I'm only pretending

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

The same old sun would shine in the morning
The same bright eyes would welcome me home
And the moon would rise way over my head
And get through the night alone

And the same old sun will shine in the morning
The same bright stars will welcome me home
And the clouds will rise way over my head
I'll get through the night on my own

Tell me what to do
Now there's nobody watching over me
If I seem to be calm
Well it's all an illusion
Tell me what to do
When the fear of the night comes over me
There's a smile on my face
Just to hide the confusion

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

The same old sun would shine in the morning
The same bright eyes would welcome me home
And the moon would rise way over my head
And get through the night alone

And the same old sun will shine in the morning
The same bright stars will welcome me home
And the clouds will rise way over my head
I'll get through the night on my own

Alan Parsons Project

Goals

better don't have some.

Ain't that great

when you find out that you wasted years in numbness and fears about the material existence of yourself and those you love? When therefore you worked only for getting out of the shit? And by doing this, losing everything out of the focus, that you're living for, thats fun, thats lovable and that you're lovable for? And by losing this, losing all that you wanted to save by it, losing all that you thought you cared for in the first place?
In a way, it's releasing. It would be sad only, when this revelation wouldn't change anything. But i guess it already did.

Going down

You want to know, how it works? Ok, even when i don't know why you would want to go there, i will tell you.
First, have a bottle of wine. Don't make a celebration out of it. Just drink it.
Then, sit. Sit and slowly let the shadows come. They will sit in the corner, first they will look like cats. After a while, theywill grow bigger. Scarier. Theywill overlay the real world.
Then, you have to stand up and close your eyes: There, in front of you, will be the door. Walk through it an go all the way down, without stopping. If you stop, you will have failed and step out of the door again.
As i said, the last hundred steps will be in darkness. You will hear lots of things, people or worse. You will have to ignore them.
At last, there will be the door. Don't hesitate, just open it and step in. It will be a glaring light, you stand in. Just walk on, you're almost there. If the light becomes coldest an brightest you can stop. You're there. And unfortunately you will not come back, at least without a heavy headache, i guess.

I'll talk with him

He is waiting beneath all this. I step down the staircase and i know that the last hundret steps will be in complete darkness until i reach that door. I avoid it, but every now and then i have to go there, facing the ghosts of those who chose and fell. I never chose, thats why i'm still here. And i can cross the borders in every direction because i never chose. But i don't have a home for the same reason.
Even if i thought i could have it, i don't. I just had an illusion for some days. Or years. Doesn't matter how long. In terms of eons it never mattered.
This time i need to know something, i always thought i already knew. But it dit turn out to be a setup. I want to know how to get out of that trap. Perhaps they don't know how deep i can go to find answers. They will find out, eventually. Come on, ghosts. Lead me to your master.

A kiss on the neck

and a soft touch on the shoulder, I would give all for it.

I'm not interested

in the concept "guilt". I don't search for examples or any other evidence to prove anyone guilty. I think, everything that someone does has its effects - noone intends his actions to generally cause pain, so most of the time, even as unfortune as the effects may be, there is nothing and no one who is to be blamed, anyhow.
I would like you to understand that, perhaps you would understand, why i get angry, everytime you tell me, i only try to put all the guilt on you. I don't, but when guilt is such an important issue for you that someone just has to be guilty and this one has to be determined (what for? we could just solve the problems instead), and i don't accept being guilty, then you automatically think, i blame you instead. But thats your conclusion, and it's wrong. I don't blame me, and i don't blame you! You're not guilty as well, it's just normal, human behavior we discuss here, no one does things wrong or right, we do them different.
And i would like you to stop asking me what i think, when you in fact don't want to hear it. I could sleep better instead of having futile arguments all the night long in my dreams about this issue.

What do you want from me?

The last thing you wanted me to do is to go. I did even that. I don't know how i could prove to you that i don't demand anything from you. I'm not your parents. I don't need you to be other than how you are. Why do you always tell me what i'm thinking? Why do you want everyone to be as you want him? Especially when that is something, that you never would accept from anyone?
First, you wanted me to go. Now, you tell me, i don't talk enough with you. What the heck do you expect?

Tell me something

Let's sit in a park and talk. Or better: You talk. Tell me how your life has been all those years, tell me what you did, what you do now. Tell me what you want to do. Do you have plans? Dreams? Visions? I would like it so much, if you'd share some hours of your life to tell me some years of it. We would sit in the park, we would watch the clouds and drink a bottle of wine. Perhaps, then, we would agree, that we should do this more often. Perhaps once or twice a year.

My memories

are like Ruins, that become withered and grown with green and will fit beautiful into the landcape in some years, telling wanderers from glorious days gone. I can walk by now and then, resting my thoughts of today and smile, when i recognize a detail now and then.
I cannot understand people, who build parking lots on their memories.

Softly whispering in in my ear

when all is in turmoil, when the hand is shaking. When i want to forget everything, when it's all too complicated i need someone who talks to me about trees and clouds and birds. Someone who hums a song into my ear, cleaning out my brain.

Don't let it bring you down,
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

When i close my eyes

i see you. We just sit there, your head leans on mine. We don't need to talk. TIme stands still for us. It is enough to be just where we are and watch the world around us. Do you hear the music? It's the soundtrack of life. A silent piano blues, that drops by. I don't want to wake up. Hell, yes. I know that i'm dreaming. But nevertheless i don't want to wake up. But i will, eventually. And we part, promising each other that we will see us again, that we will find us again. Tomorrow night. Kiss you.

Like the wind

with no goal. Just drifting through time. Going where chance leads me, i'm flowing silent between dark narrow houses, floating around a corner now and then, spreading out into the open desert. Zooming away over mountains and clouds.
I don't know, where i go. I just don't want to stay.

Travel partner

When i travel, i seldomly travel with company. But there were days I often had a partner. We used to walk together, silent and with a fast step, noone could follow us. When we arrived, one checked the inn, the other checked the refreshments so that after minutes the room was booked and the beer stood on the table. I miss those days, when we left for weeks at night.
Today i make those journeys all alone. The streets and roads are very empty today, many of the inns abandoned. Many of the kingdoms are in a desolate state, it even seems to rain more often, as if to point out the weariness. As if it wants to spare me the view of a wide, but dreary landscape.

Tower of dreams

The wooden construction seemed to be stable, but at the same time it looked very much put together completely at random. Built with raw, thick planks it defied the conventions of physics, because it seemed to be endless high. I walked up for hours. I didn't get tired, though. I was not afraid, although the wind disheveled my hair and coat.
I just walked upwards. Step by step, stair by stair, ladder by ladder. Was there an end of this path? It didn't seem so. But it didn't matter either, i wasn't in a haste, i just knew that i had to go on, no matter how long. It was like a meditation. I was calm, firmly and continuosly climbing up and up, with no real goal and no real expectation. The harsh wind filled my ears and did the rest to cut me off from the world. I can walk forever like that. Perfectly at ease.

Hope vol. 2

Hope is beauty,
Personified,
At her feet, the world,
Hypnotized.

A million flashes,
A million smiles,
And on the catwalk,
She flats in style

But in this heart of darkness
Our hope lies lost and torn;
All flame like love is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Pain and glory,
Hand in hand,
A sacrifice,
The highest price;

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper she was gone...
Like when angels fall.

And in this heart of darkness
All hope lies on the floor;
All love like flame is fleeting
When there's no hope anymore

Like the poison in her arm
Like a whisper, she was gone
Like an angel,
And Angels fall

(Apocalyptica)

it's your life

it's your life
it's your mind
choices that you make my love
it's my heart in your hands
keep it or just let it fall
another stone placed in my wall
(by Milla Jovovich, from It's Your Life)

Strong?

What's strong about running away? I hear it so often, that people break up because they think they can leave their problems with the other one. And it never works, because most of the problems they had with the other one were projections. They just tried to put everything unpleasant and annoying on the others account, what works to get the impression, that all the own failure and all of ones anger is his fault. That makes it easy to leave: who wants to live with such a jerk they make out of the other?
And then people call that "strong"...

Out of sync

There is this world running beside me. Everyone seems to be busy with plans and goals, they are determined to reach a point. A point where they see the meaning of their existence, be it banal or sophisticated. It's interesting, I seem to be completely out of the game right now. It's like standing on the side of a highway, where they drive in fullspeed, concentrate on not letting themselves distract. By someone, who had to leave the race, like me.
I don't have goals at this time. I live into the day. I see the others drive by, i don't try to stop one of them to ask for a lift. Why should I, he wouldn't be able to take me where i wanted to go, when I was in the race.

Grieve

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
(Peter Gabriel)

Anger management

I deleted every post i wrote about the case that upset me yesterday after finding out that noone really understood that i felt hurt by a self-imposing moron. I don't need explanations about how he meant or hadn't meant what he wrote. He lets others do this job, he doesn't go down on my level to answer my personally, so i can stop the discussion at this point, it's senseless to talk with his ground troops.
He always writes stupid things like that, pissing people off, he's a loose cannon and perhaps he will go for one of those schmocks who try to talk me into thinking, i was pissed on by him by my own fault and wonder why i don't seem to agree with it. They will not remember my claims then, but they will rant about being kicked in the back as well when it happens. I won't bother or even react. I can stay away from things like that and i can let them be happy with their self righteous attitude, assuring themselves and each other that they must have been right to prevent themselves from thinking about what i wrote, living in their world of good (them) and evil (everyone else).
I'm not even angry now, just a bit disappointed. It just does not make sense to me to go on with an argument with hysteric people who don't bother to read what i wrote but just answer to their simplified ideas of what i "really" meant.
One more reason for deleting the posts: Theres this person, that starts to troll at every single post i write, making it impossible to have a decent conversation. That's so boring and the times that i found it funny to play with people like her are long over. I'm too old for shit like this.

Coming Back To Life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
(David Gilmour)

Last Time

It's just like the last time
The part where I try to deny
That she's already said goodbye
Time and time again I find that I'm
Lying quiet by her side
Wondering what she's got to hide
This time

I guess I'm just a pastime
Something to keep her occupied
'Til she decides to let it slide
And we both know she'll come back on the fly
And she'll pretend I've got my pride

But I don't understand why every time
I get ripped all up inside
Then I…give it one more try
So let this be the last time
Let this well of mine run dry
So I don't have to watch my cry
This time when she goes I'll be resigned

Let me shut the door behind her
Let me put her from my mind
Let my spirit grow unkind
Let her be the one to find
That I…give it one more try
Try it one more time
This will be the last time
That last time
The last time

(by Joss Whedon)

Numb now

I made it. Encased everything for later. The life as it was ends, life as it will be does not interest me much since it won't be anything I wanted. But it will do. It has to, as always. I made my requests for it, this time i won't accept second best values: If I have to go that way I don't owe anyone anymore. They owe me now. Every single one. I won't be a bargain.

And then I see a darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice,
the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love,
for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive,
for life I won't let go
But sometimes this opposition,
comes rising up in me
This terrible imposition,
comes blacking through my mind

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll find peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And draw the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
That isn't all I see

CHORUS:
And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness
Will Oldham

What am i doing here?

I' m so sick off all this. Perhaps i should accept that i am arrogant. And ignorant. And that i always look for reasons that the others are guilty for whatever is bad in my life. Then, my life would be so much easier. I could start to act as ignorant hypocrat. How easy my life would be. And how senseless.

Enthusiasm?

All right, i am doing my best to settle everything the best way i can for all. But I certainly won't be showing much enthusiasm in doing so. Be happy that i do it. It's more than enough.

Blame me!

She says I'm one of those, who have to think now ("Ha! Those stupid men!"). About their role and their old fashioned views. About what happens when someone goes this oh-so-great and new path of complete change and enlightenment. And leaves me behind in my dark cave of not knowing anything about how great this new and completely different life ist.
Perhaps she will see in the end, that it is nothing unique, because it's always like this, when you're in love. You think, everything is different and all people who don't share these feelings are antiquated and stick to their habitous way of life while you fly to cloud nine.
Been there. Done that. Yeah, it's great for someone who is in the twenties, finding out that there is more than teenage fancying, that now there can arise this great feeling of depth, of bonding, of wanting to walk side by side with someone. In the thirties, there may be a moment when you remember how great this was and you want it again. But because you know that it's just selfish and irresponsible to just try to get your twenties back it's necessary to find some higher reason. Betrayal and just wanting some change and new adventures can't be reason enough to leave behind the responsibilities that have amassed during the years. But there's a reason why older cultures teach, that in every age you have to learn something, that you cannot learn in any other age.
How i come to think, that this walking-new-paths thing is just an excuse? Because for me, there's totally no difference who is this other one. Or what. See, it's used as the explanation for everything, used to impose yourself over me and used to elevate a darn, simple ego-trip to a revelation that i "can't understand" and so must tragically accept, that i can't be part of this new period of life.
To prevent me from any reasoning, she assumes a superstitious, dogmatic kind of gender related religion-like view of life that i'm "not capable to understand" - sorry, wrong gender.
As if gender has any big role in these issues of love and attraction. I am not the one who says one has to choose, which gender you love and which one automatically has never to be touched again. This is the same artificial restriction, just the other way round.
Sorry, but it seems, the one walking backwards with old fashioned views of what love is about is not me. I guess, when it's necessary to get backpadded for those poor excuses, when it's necessary to convince yourself to be on a holy trip instead just falling in love with someone else, there will be not this permanent change you want to believe in. That's the thing with mock-ups. They will never get solid but vanish one day, leaving you exactly where you were before.
So, in the end your way will just repeat itself. You will repeat yourself. What reason do you want to pretend next time? Better think about it soon, because the rerun will loose it's taste much faster.

Not funny

I guess one of the reasons why people do not talk to each other about their issues and differences but instead try to dominate the others, hurt them and get hurt by them is, that they most often begin to forget to solve the problem over their wish to win a fight. Could be that this is a bad case of falling back into their Cro Magnon consciousness. But it is more than failing. It is runnig back into the caves. It is forgetting the difference.

I do not easily talk

about feelings. About anger. About what and whom i love and hate. I don't like straightness in the terms of telling what i think. Because in subjects of love and hate it is not important for me what i think but what i feel.
What i think is something I can spread and discuss. What I feel is nothing i like to discuss. I don't want to analyze my feelings, I want to feel them. They are true for me as the feelings of everyone else are true for them. Noone will hear much of an answer from me, who tells me what she or he fells. I just believe it and I won't do any kind of analizing.
Lots of people make the mistake to believe that I am not open or that I hide my feelings. Be assured: I don't. Talking is just not the medium for showing my state of mood. It is everything else instead, so if you just stop focussing on my words you will understand me perfectly. Because I never hide my feelings.

Furious Angels

Like a sentence of death,
I got no options left,
I've got nothing to show now.

I'm down on the ground,
I've got seconds to live,
and you can't go now.

'Cause love, like invisible bullet shot me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.
They will bring back to me.

You're a dirty needle,
you're in my blood and there's no cure in me.
I wanna run, like the blood from a wound
to a place you can't see me.
'Cause love, like a blow to the head has left me stunned
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me.

You're a cold piece of steel between my ribs
and there's no saving me.
And I can't get up,
from this wet crimson bed that you made for me.
That you made for me!
'Cause love like a knife in the back has cut me down
and I'm bleeding, yeah I'm bleeding,
and if you go, angels will run to defend me, to defend me.

'Cause I can't get up, I'm as cold as a stone,
I can feel the life fade from me.
I'm down on the ground, I've got second to live,
and what's that waits for me, oh that waits for me!
'Cause like a sentence of death, left me stunned,
and I'm reeling, yeah I'm reeling,
and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me
(Rob Dougan)

You did the trick

I am walking in those ruins. But i am walking now. Not standing, staring at the place that for so long was this cheerful, inspiring home of my heart, so utterly and thoroughly destructed, shredded into smallest ribbles to make sure there will be no chance to rebuild it. Or to build something better out of it. My heart was the only part of me with a home for all those years. Now, i took it back, relentlessly, because what i give to someone will never be claimed back, whatsoever.
Thank you for realizing that there is no sense in leaving it in the dust, when somebody drops it. I will take it with me as i wander forth now and let it heal. We talked about it, that time has no meaning in matters that are not connected to material things. Or bodies.

The art of magic

is that it does not show. Too easy they will find delusions of grandeur in your words, if you expose yourself too easyly. No. Some things got to happen in secret. And the greatest deeds will better never be connected with the person, the actor himself. If you want to be a magician this may be your first lesson: Acting like a magician means just being aware of the things you are responsible for. Not talking about them all the time.