Two things unusual

First: To post something not relating directly with me.
Second: To link to someone else.
Pauley saw her future (bad word, but it points to the right direction) self.

If

you can't speak with me, i don't know why you think i would read what you write to me.

I won't back down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down

Tom Petty

What i am doing right now

is having faith. I am not pushing things. I just know, that there are things slowly falling into place. I do not see the picture yet, but this time i will play along. Iam completely calm. Of course i have my wishes and expectations and sometimes i get impatient. But then i am out of the flow and it is better to just smoke a shisha amd watch a movie instead of follow the urge to hurry. Weeks have passed now and i am sure, months will pass until i really can say, where all this will get me. And in the end i will achieve what i really want. To know that however i must follow the winding road. I will walk that path calmly and remain conscious.

Tired beyond belief

i would like to sleep for some weeks and wake up without headache and with a fresh and clean brain. I don't argue anymore, no matter what. I'm fed up with it. I'm more than fed up with it, i just have the urge to throw up and rather to go blind and deaf instantly, to run as long as i can until i'm anywhere where noone and nothing bothers me, than even have to see or hear another word of all those people and topics that drained me for months. Or years. I get mobbed in my dayjob, i get used as scapegoat in my private life, i get robbed and spied on by the country i live in. Everyone seems to mistrust me, not seeing, that they just can't let me be as i am. I don't want to be what they want me to be. I think, that what i am is something, that can be liked and appreciated as well, or even more.

You can change lots of things

but as soon as god is involved in change, it will hurt.
Don't trust the angels. Angels are like politicians. They have this agenda.

Turning the tide

When everything you do, has nothing to do with what you want to do, when everything you are is only an empty shell that everyone else uses for their projections and when everything you feel is only usable for just getting over this day, you know that there has something to be changed.
I'm at that state for months now, i found myself there some time ago. It's like walking against the waves and as soon as i hold still i will be flooded back. But it's too hard to go forward. So, i decided to turn the tide. I don't know, how to do it, yet. But i will begin to find that out from today on.

Pressure

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Chippin around
Kick my brains round the floor
These are the days
It never rains but it pours

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why? Love!

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure

(Mercury/Bowie)

What about the north?

well... He seems to be locked away. Guarded by an envious watchdog that kills every friendship or relation that it does not want him to have. But we have so much time, things will change after all...

No magicians left

Swlowly but surely there arises a vague cognition that we made a mistake. Or, didn't we? Was there really a choice?
There has been a big effort in the end of the last millennium to stop an unwanted new aeon, that could have taken control of nearly all the magic and its sources. Lots of magicians took part in this, nearly four dozens at the same time. With us, there were three times four of us on one place and even that was a hard ride. But the gates were freed, the signposts were put back on their old places, showing the right directions again. And then... something unexpected must have happened. Slowly the magic disappeared, the gates vanished and closed down. This itself was expected, because if something new is born it has to grow and needs time. Event the heavy losses in the headcount were expected. Lots of mages left the scene, some perhaps only for a while, but some more for the time being.
So, we successfully took part in a great spiritual struggle for the way, magic will evolve in this millennium. There are no artificial bindings left, no costly prices to pay anymore. That "new" kind of industrialised magic, that tried to be the only valid one for the upcoming thousand years, was defeated and unable to cross the gap. It was left behind in the old century and its role and masters will be forgotten soon for good.
But then, what causes, that some sources lie dried out and abandoned now? That only those few mages are left, who can work with their own sources, and that there are no others left. How didn't we realise that some of us were nailed down into stony prisons, that there appeared so many personal problems that we had to deal with and in the end hindered us to see, what was going on?
I met up with our east tonight. We know that our west holds still deliberately, he always knows better when not to breath and he already saw, that everything needs time to grow again and the sources need to fill up slowly - fife years is no time at all yet. But he realized some things, too, that perhaps need fixing and regulation. I for myself, being the south, should make the call - i won't wait too long for it. I don't mind time, i think that noone does care for time less than me. But the fact, that we met tonight on open space, will not go unnoticed. Whoever watches us, he saw us.

She loves horror movies

Yay! This seems to be my lucky week.

Somethings happening

I don't know, what, yet. But as far as i can tell, i like it.

Sometimes

there is this annoying fly. You ignore it, but it does not go away. It seems to set out to disturb you. It wants to be in your focus, even when that means, that this is only possible by getting on your nerves.
So you wave your hand to shoo it away. The result is the opposite of what you intended: It seems to be happy for the attention and gets even more obtrusive than before. Now, that is some kind of dilemma, because you might not want to hit it, because eventually it does not - it can not really harm you. Why should you harm it, then?
But what else is there you can do? Trying to talk a fly to stop nagging you is obviously not possible either (and i know that: I tried!). Any suggestions?

Home is not a place,

it is where your passion leads you. That might be right and i never regarded a place home just for being there. Very often i felt at home on places i visited just once in my life. Those places were far away, too. But i found a right mood, a right atmosphere there. I remember, that always, when i felt that way, i was there with the right person at the right time. Suddenly time froze around me, there was no fear, no problems, no thoughts about those people who get on my nerves just because they think of themselves to be so important for me.
Since some time now, this feeling didn't come back. Well, once or twice, of course, there were glimpses. Minutes of peace that i breathed in relentlessly, knowing, that this is a seldom moment of ease that i should hold in my memories. But to feel at home is more than this, its not about minutes or moments. Its about sleeping in, knowing that when i awake, everything will be as fine as it is now. That has not been the case for years now, so i can tell that i'm far from being at home.

On my way

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Sitting on my own not by myself
everybody's here with me
I don't need to touch your face to know
and I don't need to use my eyes to see

I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I always wake up the same?
And keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I even wake up again or something

Oh I'm on my way I know I am,
but times there were when I thought not
Bleeding half my soul in bad company,
I thank the moon i had the strength to stop

I'm not making love to anyone's wishes,
only for that light I see
cause when I'm dead and lowered low in my grave,
that's gonna be the only thing that's left of me

And if I make it to the waterside,
will I even find me a boat(or so)?
And if I make it to the waterside,
I'll be sure to write you not or something

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair

Oh life is like a maze of doors
and they all open from the side you're on
Just keep on pushing hard boy, try as you may
You're going to wind up where you started from
You're going to wind up where you started from

(Cat Stevens)

Crossroads

theres a forking on the way. seems like i have a choice to either go on the path i go since some years now or to enter uncharted lands. Don't need to throw a coin, i'm not a gambler. Even when in some time everyone will wonder again how lucky i got...

Time works fine

Sometimes i underestimate the power of time. But i learned, especially last year, how good "waiting" works. Its the basic for letting things go. I admit, that having patience is not easy for me, when it comes to topics of my life, where i strife for a change.
One of those topics i am getting impatient with is the one, where some people try to stick on embosomed behaviors, e.g. when they make up an issue with me, that is in actual fact an issue they got with themselves but refuse to solve it. They try to solve it, of course, but by making me the bugbear for it - they fight with me to avoid fighting with themselves. What cannot work out - and that it does not work out is clearly visible, because the situation stays the same for two years now. Two years, that i reduced the contact as far as i can, contrary to that i in reality would like to have a good contact (with at least one of those people - i am able to let the other one live on without interfering).
I dont like two things about that situation: First is of course what they do to me. They see something in me that i am not and they have such a strong belief in the image they impose on me that if i try to explain my thoughts, i get invidious, excessively angry replies.
Second, i feel hurt and helpless. To feel hurt (thats what they need me to be, because otherwise they wouldnt get me to react harsh and to affirm their image of me) is not funny, especially if i lose the confidence, that someday the situation could turn better. I have to recognize that it won't and that i am not able to do even the slightest to come back to a normal relationship. This is the helplessness i mentioned. I don't get over it. I can't.
But - to come back to the power of time again - i have to let go. As long as i am at their disposal to be their concept of the enemy they can shout at everithing they avoid to shout at themselves, nothing will change. So i will leave every corner and every field they go to. I won't argue any more. I won't follow the rules of the scapegoat. I will let time work it out. And even having decided that and having written that, i feel relieved. This is about time.

Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread

These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

(from Annie Lennox, Why)