Traveling with E

I left the train and walked to the stairs. I didn't bother much about all the other people standing there or hasting to get the train i just arrived with. I didn't care. I think it was the second time at all i even was in this town and the first time must have been more than thirty years ago because i barely remember anything.

Then i walked down. Calmly sunken in my thoughts. Then i looked up, straight to the opposite staircase that lead down from the other side. I just saw the feet. And a walking stick. And before the face of the person became visible that walked down just exactly opposite of me i recognised him. Or to be more precise: I just knew it's him. There was E.

He saw me just half a second later. We didn't walk faster or stopped. We walked down our stairs. Then we stood in front of each other and allowed ourselves a little smirk. "Ok..." he said. I said "Well. Hello, here i am."

Then we hugged. And we talked. He just started to move again. And as soon as he did, as soon as he traveled to a historically troubled city, we came to the exact same point at the exact same time. We don't knowyet what will be the task that will come out of this but undoubtedy there will be one.

And i'm glad about it, even if we both know that this will not be something easy or fun.

Hat and gloves

I put them out again. My days recently - well for some time now, to be really honest - became increasingly lonely. So it's just appropriate to get into gear again. I feel disconnected to the worlds inhabitants and have to admit to the fact that i for myself am not able to hold contacts up, not to speak of initiating them. With contact i mean real contact, not social programs. Thing is, when noone touches me i am losing contact. And at the moment i'm walking around unnoticed, invisible, untouchable. I think it's me, not the people but knowing this doesn't change anything about the outcome. So i can't avoid anymore realizing that it's getting too cold without hat and gloves. Makes me sad. At least this is something new to experience.

And then

there is this moment in which the fear of moving breaks and the clouds vanish and the sky glows bright and glittering, giving sight to the land before me that i even was afraid to look at. But there it is in all its beauty, suddenly visible in the moment i just took one step forward.
It is the same instant that i realize that i was stuck, walled in, frozen. For nearly one year i must have stood here actually and didn't even know that. I really thought i was moving, but now i see that that just was not true. Not true at all. I held onto a status quo. I wanted a comfortable and safe position to hold on forever. Which is impossible. When i stop moving, everything will fall apart in the end. It's not my nature to settle down and every time i try to i either destroy everything or i nearly do.
Today i nearly did. I should be sorry and apologize, but i apologized and was sorry again and again for a long time now. It won't help. Moving helps. Getting myself on path helps. Letting my fears and my jealousy go helps. Breaking my chains helps.
Even just to begin moving again helps. Helps big time.

Those shadows

haunt me. Again?
I am not entirely myself right now. I'm even jelaous. That's something i admit. And i'm put back. That's something i have to cope with because i can't do anything to change that for good. I tried. Big mistake: It made me even weaker. The alternative is to let go, but that's no option at all of course. She loves me and i love her. Despite all of my troubles with it this does not need to be touched.
But since we know that both, it makes me powerless. I don't have a trade or treat. I just need some little more time. Not much really, only a small fraction more of her time. But thats impossible right now. There's a difference between love and interest. She loves me. But her interests lie somewhere else. Somewhere where she does not want me to be, on something she does not want to share with me.
I liked the freedom in our connection. Now I'm feeling lonely. Perhaps this time of lonelyness is the price to pay for the freedom. I will pay it as long as i can, i don't have a real choice. I just hope that there will come other times again before i'm broke. She told me so. I want to believe her.
Is there something wrong with summers?

Disconnected

Got to face it. I lost trails. Don't know when, it can't have been so long ago but right now i feel unsure. Alone. Alone in the sense of being isolated and disconnected. There are people around me, even people i love and who love me. But i can see on their reactions that i'm not really in tune, that me and my presence don't fit right. That i'm acting off focus.
I don't like me this way: I feel like being a teenager again. Worse, i feel like being that teenager again, that i was: Unsure, the smallest, the nerd, the one without attention. Without the right attention. The one who missed nearly everything that the others long had, hopelessly staying behind for years.
Yes of course, i catched up. More than this, i took over in most regards. Friends wondered how i managed to always end up with the most interesting and beautiful company.
But i'm still carrying this rejected teenager in me, when i get stuck in my fears i fall back to stand stunned in confusion and powerlessness like i was then. How can i come to terms with him? He is so sad and angry, gets frustrated about nothing. I need to reconcile him to find back to myself again.

I yet don't understand much of the concept "time". I can't use it right: If i got it, i don't do much, if i have none, i'd like to write, paint, play music, talk...
I seem to be stunned by this "time". I can't move in it. I can, if it gets short but then i have to hurry. Could anybody teach me how to use this "time"?

Gone fishing

Halloween, Samhain and howewer they call these days, is a time i have no business with. The spirits are running free, all doors are open and every sphere is connected with the human world. It needs to be that way. For balancing reasons i guess, but i am not part of any of these spheres so i can only make assuptions.
Usually i keep a low profile. I am reading, watching this TV, don't walk outside, not to interfere accidentially. This year it's nearly the same, but i got very sweet and inspiring company. I am deeply thankful for that.

Having put my hat on

leads to some issues. Well knows issues, though. But getting used to them doesn't make them less difficult to cope with. One of them is that i can't save time. When a destination needs some weeks to reach, it will take some weeks. Even when i travel half the distance in just two days. Something will stop me, slow me down, need my attention so thoroughly that i will need much more time for the other half. That's quite ok afterwards. I will get there in the end, i will need the time i estimated. But it's an annoying situation that way. If it were otherwise, if i needed some time to get started and then it would become easyer and faster day by day, i would be much happier with it. But, as we know very well by now, this is not about me being happy.

You're in?

Speed is a funny concept. Sometimes you think, everything runs, changes, transcends in no time and it's hard to catch up, hardly having the time to understand what happens anyway.
Otherwise, there are times where the urge to change at least something becomes overwhelming. When days, months or years just seem to go by without giving meaning or progress.
If you look back then, a lot of the times where nothing seemed to happen were those with the most important lessons. And on the other hand the times you ran all around and started all those different projects, met all those people, seemed to love and hate more intensively than ever, didn't create anything sustainable, didn't enhance anything, didn't enlighten you at all (but perhaps a lot of those other people).
Don't underestimate the importance of just gathering. If you're sitting on a train there is no need to think about track and direction. You are on the way to the right destination anyway and trains have this really great advantage that usually you don't have to worry about getting there save and in time. So, there is a lot of time to watch who travels with you. You have a lot of time to read good books, to think about so much things that doesn't have one bit to do with the trains path or destination.
Traveling by train needs some time though. Perhaps you could get there much faster by plane or car, but now that you sit in the coach, you don't need to think about alternate ways. It's senseless to consider, if there would have been a better place to go, the train won't change tracks anyway.
So, my advice for trainrides is: Look who travels with you, have talks, get acquainted, prepare and sharpen your sword, relax, have a coffee and a good meal. If you arrive you will have to work, to fight, to run, to be present. Travel time is preparing and learning. Find out what you have to be capable of when you arrive. Expect the best and prepare for the worst.

One may blame me

One may blame me to be broken, when all that is valid should better be saved. I don't care about, if something matters because what matters now is forgotten tomorrow.
I stopped fighting to drown. It's a lie that you die. I breathed the water right in and travel behind the courtains since then. Under the surface. They don't get far by swimming, because most of the strength, most of the effort, is spent holding the head above the waves.

There's no such thing as a shortcut. Cuts go deep. Always.

Coat on

I'm not sure how long i slept, because i am not too familiar with the concept of time. I just closed my eyes for a moment. Just a brief blink to rest. To forget some burdenous thoughts that come with matter.
It was no replenishing, just a slight timeout. Of course without stopping the time around me - see how tired i was. But i gained enough distance and i can start walking again. Wandering again. You won't notice me though, as you didn't the time before i went to sleep.
So nothing changed. As far as i can see it. I am back and you won't see the difference. As you didn't see any without me walking here for some years - your time.

Two things unusual

First: To post something not relating directly with me.
Second: To link to someone else.
Pauley saw her future (bad word, but it points to the right direction) self.

If

you can't speak with me, i don't know why you think i would read what you write to me.

I won't back down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down

Tom Petty

What i am doing right now

is having faith. I am not pushing things. I just know, that there are things slowly falling into place. I do not see the picture yet, but this time i will play along. Iam completely calm. Of course i have my wishes and expectations and sometimes i get impatient. But then i am out of the flow and it is better to just smoke a shisha amd watch a movie instead of follow the urge to hurry. Weeks have passed now and i am sure, months will pass until i really can say, where all this will get me. And in the end i will achieve what i really want. To know that however i must follow the winding road. I will walk that path calmly and remain conscious.

Tired beyond belief

i would like to sleep for some weeks and wake up without headache and with a fresh and clean brain. I don't argue anymore, no matter what. I'm fed up with it. I'm more than fed up with it, i just have the urge to throw up and rather to go blind and deaf instantly, to run as long as i can until i'm anywhere where noone and nothing bothers me, than even have to see or hear another word of all those people and topics that drained me for months. Or years. I get mobbed in my dayjob, i get used as scapegoat in my private life, i get robbed and spied on by the country i live in. Everyone seems to mistrust me, not seeing, that they just can't let me be as i am. I don't want to be what they want me to be. I think, that what i am is something, that can be liked and appreciated as well, or even more.

You can change lots of things

but as soon as god is involved in change, it will hurt.
Don't trust the angels. Angels are like politicians. They have this agenda.

Turning the tide

When everything you do, has nothing to do with what you want to do, when everything you are is only an empty shell that everyone else uses for their projections and when everything you feel is only usable for just getting over this day, you know that there has something to be changed.
I'm at that state for months now, i found myself there some time ago. It's like walking against the waves and as soon as i hold still i will be flooded back. But it's too hard to go forward. So, i decided to turn the tide. I don't know, how to do it, yet. But i will begin to find that out from today on.

Pressure

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Chippin around
Kick my brains round the floor
These are the days
It never rains but it pours

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why? Love!

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure

(Mercury/Bowie)