Enter at your own risk

Next year is on the doorstep. All right, i can't hold it back, so come in already. But don't think you will get anything from me. You may expect a lot from me, but i won't deliver this time. See, we all have our problems. Your predecessor fooled me, so it's up to you to prove, that it is worth to invest my time for your crap. Be seeing you.

What they don't tell you

There is no promise of a paradise in life. The only reward you may expect is to know that you've done the right thing. Only in movies a hero saves the day because he just has nothing else to do. Normal people just live their lives and when they become heroes they will be ripped out of their live and thrown into the new plot. There is only the choice to lose or to try to stick to your ideals. If you have nothing but your conscience it is your conscience you should trust. Then, perhaps, you will succeed in not losing yourself. But you may do so,perhaps, by losing your life.

Sweet child o'mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

(Guns'n'Roses)

It's just the smoke

I'm fine. Thanks. Don't worry about me, I will get along. It's ok, I'm quite comfortable with my situation. Please don't stop here: Nothing to see. Its just smoke, there never was a life here.

Free to wonder, free to roam

The sky is wide open, i would fly if i were you. So use your chance, use your luck and use your wings. You may be aware that your wings are not able to carry you. Physically it is impossible. But it is the faith, the freedom and the magical upwash that is your will to fly and your belief that you can do it, that will carry you into the air and to far places. I for myself will stay on the ground and walk. I will travel the slow, winding path that leads to a next spring. My curiosity is not big enough to feel an urge and I won't have the power to fly for some time, but it's ok. I don't care. Much.

When I am tired

everything becomes heavy and weary to do and move. I get slow and dumb. Sleep feels like falling into a deep black hole. Waking up like hitting the ground.

At this point

I visited my past yesterday. It didn't change much what makes me somewhat confident, because i seem to change faster than my environment. Everything was on the same places, walking by on the same streets, restaurants and shops filled with nameless people showed me, that i am for sure a stranger there for the people, but not for the city. It seemed to greet me in a quiet, knowing way.

The World is Stone

Stone, the world is stone
It's no trick of the light
It's hard on the soul

Stone, the world is stone
Cold to the touch
And hard on the soul
In the grey of the streets
In the neon unknown
I look for a sign
That I'm not on my own
That I'm not here alone

As the still of the night
And the choke of the air
And the winner's delight
And the loser's despair
Closes in left and right
I would love not to care

Stone, the world is stone
From a faraway look
Without stars in my eyes
Through the halls of the rich
And the flats of the poor
Wherever I go

There's no warmth anymore
There's no love anymore

So I turn on my heels
I'm declining the fall
I've had all I can take
With my back to the wall
Tell the world I'm not in
I'm not taking the call

Stone, the world is stone
But I saw it once
With the stars in my eyes
When each colour rang out
In a thunderous chrome
It's no trick of the light
I can't find my way home
In a world of stone

(Michel Berger, Luc Plamondon and Tim Rice)

Tired

Is it the month thats tiring me? I feel like drifting, floating. Not belonging anywhere. People fill places where i should be but i am not able to state a claim. If they not want me to be there, why should i force it? I need to be needed, otherwise there is no sense in even trying. I am exhausted, burned out, i'm falling in no specific direction. These days come an go, sure. But they come more often and they stay longer everytime. The space in between, when i am able to produce something, when i feel connected (well.. feeling loved is out of the list, since that is something i barely remember) are so hard to reach that when i do, i don't find the power to care for it.

10 things I hate about you

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry

I hate it that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don ' t hate you
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even any at all.
(The whole script here)

Getting disconnected

Working with magic makes you able to control your environment. You will do so, at the beginning. After some time you will find that there is always a price to pay. Are you ready to pay it? I tell you one of those prices: It is getting disconnected from everything exciting. You begin to avoid surprises, because they don't fit into an image of someone having everything under control. Sure you have, but then, isn't this only so because you have more distance to things? This distance will be a gap someday, the people around you cannot cross anymore to reach you. So please take care to save yourself the ability to wonder, to get surprised, to get angry and in rage. It will help you to remain connected.

Don't give me songs

Give me something to sing about
I need something to sing about

Life's a song you don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse

Still, my friends
don't know why I ignore
The million things or more
I should be dancing for

All the joy
life sends
Family
and friends
All the twists
and bends
knowing that
it ends
Well, that depends
On if they let you go
On if they know enough to know
that when you've bowed
You leave the crowd

There was no pain
No fear, no doubt
Till they pulled me out of heaven

So that's my refrain
I live in hell
'Cause I've been expelled from heaven
I think I was in heaven

So give me something to sing about
Please give me something...

(from "Life's a show" out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Ep 6-07)

Did i say sparks?

I'm out of them, now. Whew, this was fast. Perhaps it's been the mistake in the first place to search for grace.
Hey! Isn't freedom great? I don't know. Humans use their freedom like they use the rest of their environment: Without any respect or responsibility. They are so gifted and they abuse it, rape it, fuck around with it and say "Hey! You are so dumb to give it to us! Look, we can waste you with it, now! And we do, because we are free to do it!". Gettin' kicked and trampled by all those free people who do this just because they can does not make much sense to me either. I am not too sure, who will win in the end: my patience or their freedom. Either way, it won't be very pleasant for 'em. But then, they will complain, how wrong everything went and if they only had known. Hey! I told you! It was you who does not listen!

Sparks and small lights

If you see one, go for it. Why should you look for hope, relief, forgiveness if you are not ready to commit into it when you finally seem to find it? Don't try to determine, if it's a trick. if it is, it will show soon enough, if it's not, you would have passed the moment. It will be harder to find another chance than to deal with a disappointment. If you had some trouble already, some more is no big deal really. Knowing that you missed the turning of the tide can make you abandon all further hope. Don't do that.

If you are suicidal

don't try to speak with me: I could understand your point.
Am i burned out? Yet?

Forgetting who i am...

i'm not sure, if all these crap happens because i lost myself in a life, i'm not really fitting into. I hoped for more flexibility, more possibilities to participate in change, in the flow of things and my life seemed to give me all the tools i needed for it. But now i sit here wondering why i can't move at all. As soon as i try to everything seems to implode, to barr me from my goal. What was my goal again? I thought i knew it, i seem to have forgotten it in the mists of being a civilized human.

Too sunny to feel bad

Blue sky and bright sun in autumn. If you feel depressed or sick or tired, go outside. For a walk or a short trip. I do.

Fix me a lobotomy, then!

"What else, for christ sake!" - Problem is, there are still some working areas in my life. Still a few friends and people who care for me. So there are plenty possibilities for some more new disappointments and crappy developments. I know, that sounds like a selffulfilling prophecy. But i just don't know how to handle all this. There are friends - well former friends - of mine, telling everyone they meet that they don't like me and what kind of asshole i am. I don't even know, what made them angry about me in the first place (I asked, of course, but the answer was that they don't have grudges against me and everything is ok), and i don't know, why they feel the urge, that everyone should know that i'm a bad person.
I don't want to think about all this, really. Those former friends are not my concern anymore, i can live with that, really. My only point here is, that i lost friends, i did not want to lose, but hey, in time it will pass into oblivion. No, what really pisses me off is the amount of all those different but concurrent events, that hack into my life from all directions that really wears me out at the time. I am losing every grip to steadiness. It paralizes me. And i thought, last year was atrocious...

can't sleep

I'm sitting at the screen, klicking the same websites again and again and can't just go to bed and sleep. I know that i will be tired tomorrow but it's just... no, i don't know what it is. I just could stand up and turn the computer off. But i don't do it. What am i waiting for? Can't say until its here, i guess. Same yesterday. Same tomorrow, i think.

Don't trust written words

they are cheating you, because you will read what you want to read. You don't hear a voice, when you read, so what do you know about the intentions of the author? Nothing - you don't know if he is thoughtful or hateful, if he wants to just cheer you up or smack you down. A written conversation lacks everything a conversation is good for: the compassion and the communication of feelings that you hear and see when you talk with someone face to face.

Ruby Tuesday

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Jagger/Richards

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr George Carey

"At times like these there is nothing we can say that can stem the waves of grief, regret and reproach.
Our first duty is to express our love and our deep, deep sympathy to Holly and Jessica's parents, and to watch and weep with them in these dark days.
In the midst of this tragedy, we can only take our hurt and grief at this bewildering tragedy and place it in God's hands, remembering the words of Psalm 23; Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for thou art with me' remembering that God's unconquerable love, shown to us in Jesus, surrounds Holly and Jessica and their parents. Pray for them."
There is this feeling sometimes, that you may do whatever possible and try to make the stand for humanity and hope and then, you just can't stop thinking, that all this hope is worth just as much as crossing the deep waters with a spoon as paddle. Wrong instrument for an even unreachable goal.
Of course, what matters is, not to let loose in the long term. But it is so tiresome. Sometimes i think of me as a manufacturing defective: I am not half as deteminded and faithful as the kindred ones.

Windmills of Your Mind

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnaval balloon
Like a carousell that's turning
Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it's own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle your head
Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking allong the shore,
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circle that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Words and music by Alan Bergman and Michel Jean Legrand

One day in paradise

Yesterday i had one day in paradise. Caused by a heavy migraine i just did not want to think, to listen or see anything at all. I switched off the radio, closed the window and remained in my bed. Awake, but without any deeper thought i held this status of complete disconnection from anything important for one whole day.
And even if my head tried to implode with every move or noise, it was a great relaxing and comforting experience: nothing to do, nothing to think about, just letting the time pass and not even noticing it. Unaware of the world outside, unconscious for any responsibility, floating in a limbo of ignorance i came back to this world and felt: this is what we lost. This was our life in eden, a life we abandoned in exchange for consciousness and development. But sometimes, if we are in heavy pain, we may go back for a short time. I am just not sure why: It could be either a heavenly grace to sustain times of agony, or a mean curse - a bad sardonic lesson because when its over, the burden of life outside of paradise has to be taken again. And then you realize that this self-determined life may be worse than the greatest physical pain.
I can understand these People, who would like just to get back into their pod, dreaming a happy life, chewing on a imaginary steak and humming "Mmh, ignorance is bliss!". They would love to live in the lies of an comfortable hell and kill for it. I have an idea now, why.

Summer Rain

I especially like the hours before the rain starts. it is like a small symphony. First it gets dark from the east and for a moment everything gets calm and quiet. Just one bird doesn't care and goes on singing as if he knows that he got his chance for a solo right now. Then the wind comes up. Slow at first, and warm, because it just moves the heated air. Time is of no matter, there will be no announcements of the schedule. But sooner or later the best part of the overture will follow: breezes of cooled, fresh air, coming in like unknown guests from far away, teasing you with feelings of anticipation because you know that they are foreboding an upcoming change.
and then you hear it: The first far roaring of thunder and i lean back. Nature will run a change now. I can't and i surely will not do anything about it. The rain and thunderstorm does it's work and i got a break, watching nature doing it's stuff uncontrolled and unimpressed.

So fed up
Just leave me alone for a while. I won't take sides. Never ever. I don't know why they always try to find a suitable drawer in which they want to sort me in. I don't care, ok? I don't have grudges, and, if i had them, that would not mean, that i take the other side. So if you could - at least for a while - leave me alone and let me walk my paths for myself?

More clouds
I got this story of a war of mages for a long time now. I tried to write it down, together with friends we managed to create half a book now but the story leads somewhere else and i believe the only way to get out is to start completely new all by myself. Perhaps this book gets finished someday, but it won't match my intention nevertheless. Could be the reason for my clouded mind as soon as i sit down to go on writing.

The dear (fictional) colleagues
Buffy Summers: Does it ever get easy?
Rupert Giles: You mean life?
Buffy Summers: Yeah, does it ever get easy?
Rupert Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy Summers: Lie to me.
Rupert Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true.
The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats,
and we always defeat them and save the day.
No one ever dies... and everyone lives happily ever after.
Buffy Summers: Liar.

Broaden your options
If you don't know if your decision will be right, especially if there seem to be only few options, try to find more options. How? First: Find the goal behind the goal. You think your goal is to have a career and the decision would be to invest really all of your time into your job? Then what's the reason for it? What is it you want to reach (it can't be that you really just want more work)? Do you want to prove your dad that you can make it high up in business? Do you reach for independecy, do you want to have the responsibility for what you do most of your lifetime?
When you found out what really is triggering you, you will see that there might pop up options and possible was to this goal (or to cope with this reason) that didn't make it to your mind yet. Once the fixation to a "one and only way" is gone you might find out that there are alternate realities in which your goal behind the goal can be reached as well and much more easier, or faster.
The other way to broaden your choices is just to wait a little more and in this time, to communicate with as much people as possible about your wishes and where you want to go. Just give it a shot, i won't tell you what happens, but be assured: If there is no unpassable deadline and you are unsure, there is nothing working better for you than a certain time in wich you talk about what you want.

Clouds
I'd like to go on writing this book of ours (it's a shame, we have nearly the half of it), but as soon as i sit on the screen everything gets clouded. I get ideas, plots, characters, sometimes even musicscores, when i am driving or when i'm sitting in a bar. Everything is cristal clear. Until i sit and try to type it down. Damn. Perhaps it's a matter of technique. I just know, that i have to search for a solution soon.

Magic in Cinema: Jay and Silent Bob
It seems a bit out of place here to write about these two characters in Kevin Smiths movies, but wait: Theses two are really magic figures, and i think, Smith invented them that way (The resemblance of Smiths Alter Ego Silent Bob and his comicbook character Kevin Matchstick in the "Mage" series tells me that). In every movie these two guys come along helping the main character out of a situation that nobody could have done with just the "normal" human possibilities. They seem to have a special foresight, they seem to have ways to escape police or foes you will only find in fantasynovels or comicbooks.
Silent Bob, trying hard to learn the "Jedi"-trick of pulling things with the mind, finally succeeds in the last movie (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), so that the magic itself becomes more accurate with every installment: In "Mallrats" he is practicing this the whole time and at the end it works, but only by synchronicity: someone kicks a pole just in the right moment, so that the videocassette Bob does not reach is pushed right in his hand as he tries to reach it with the Jedi-Mindtrick. In the latest movie he does it right! Smiths movies are worth watching not only for Jay and Bob, but it's as well a very good reason if you do.
The right choice in the right order is:
Clerks(how it all began)
Mallrats(settles the score)
Chasing Amy (for magical purposes neglectable)
Dogma (for magical purposes a must have)
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (the great finale)

Mages in emotion
Some, ...well...very few, will remember the "Trenchcoatbrigade" CD i put together at the end of the year 2000, that contained songs and music that connects to people i could call my magical ratpack. It was very moody and quite dark and pensive and perhaps less cheerful that it could have been. But my friends liked it very much, so i think that i found the right blend at the right time.
I just start collecting songs for the next edition of the CD, and this time too, it will not be less moody, surely because i have to apologize to one of my friends, whom i seem to have hurt very much, measured on his response to not knowing me any more. But it will be a bit more agressive as well, fitting my loss of patience with some matters. One of the songs that are in the momentary shortlist is Nickelbacks "How you remind me". I dunno why, but it fits absolutely to the state i'm in these days.

It has been a while
but at last we all need a little time to catch some breath and contemplate. In terms of magic the last weeks went well, but without new challenges or highlights. This is a nice change for me after the harder times that lie behind. And i will certainly not complain about it. I even had time for some new projects that will certainly not please these hypocrite "i am big cheese" magickians and "my knowledge has to be secret for your own safety" high-priests.
Just having seen, that one of these people has been proven to steal all his answers from other internet sites pretending that this knowledge is his very own (he even did not change the sentences of copyrighted material) in an online forum shows me, that people are quite aware and alerted. This is very encouraging. Of course, the direct followers and friends are griping now trying to call the claims down to be a exaggerated peccadillo, but even with doing this they just show their shiftlessness. Down from his pedestal he fell - thats what everybody could see.

Being a moving target...
...is at least better than being a static target. Being a target nonetheless is no fun. But i know, that targets like us diverse the fire from those who were just instant victims. We are the targets that shoot back.

If there were nothing else there were at least myself...
What should i say now. Standing in front of the brightest Star of them all i asked how to cope with all this - what am i doing here anyway, what is it that always drives me out, walking, wandering, flying around and always trying to save what can't be saved. He said, you could just give up your stupid, arrogant claim for neutrality, this would give you a lot of friends on your side and foes on the other. You could stop thinking over all your actions again and again, because either side you take - there will be the comfort of someone telling you what is right and just.
I can't fight the feeling, that he likes me to be neutral. Perhaps he knows, that as long as i am on the grey path i am not lost for him. Perhaps he does not want me to be his enemy. I would like to be sure, that this is not for political reasons but just because somehow he likes me.

A list of good diversion
This is a list for those interested in good entertainment without letting the brain go donut

1. The Prophecy
the best example of how an occult world works. And its funny, thrilling and stylish!

2. The Prophecy II
The sequel works out the religious themes in deep, because you already know the occult world from the first movie.

3. The Prophecy 3: The Ascent
The conclusion of the angelic tale. A classic, highly detailed messias-plot with great Hong Kong style fighting scenes (really!).

4. Highlander - 10th Anniversary Edition
The one and only. Why occult? You have a hidden group with ancient rules that noone questions or breaks.

5. Poltergeist 2: The Other Side
Hidden in the plot they merged two original american occult lores: Lovecrafts "white" Chtulu-myth and the american-indian "native" occultism.

6. The Prisoner
See them all. You will find everything: Magic, scientology, occult groups, brainwashing, trickster work, wizardry and enlightenment.

7. Excalibur
Excalibur tells you 3 stories: The plot itself, the pictures (look for "frames" and "openness") and the characters as archetypes. This movie is a must!

8. Conan the Barbarian
The first Conan movie revokes perfectly R. E. Howards mythical Hyborean setting, which itself again lies in the Lovecraft universe. The ultimate classic fantasy movie as well.

Don't look back?
Don't look back is not only the title of one of the most disturbing and frightening movies ever made but also one of the advices you will often hear when it comes to facing the next challenges, climbing the next mountain (just to find another one just behind that one). But isn't it important to know where we come from? To be aware of all we've gone through yet? Every failure and every success helps to understand the direction and prevents us from false and too fast decisions.